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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Help with grieving please ........................

22 replies

Lou1971 · 19/03/2008 10:52

I'm really not sure what is wrong with me. It is ten years since I lost one of my twins. They were both big and "healthy", nearly six pounds each at seven months pregnant. There was some confusion as to whether or not they were identical but it was decided they weren't so I wasn't considered high risk. No reason was given for death.

I'm very accepting of what happened and I am incredibly lucky to have my gorgeous ten year old boy, however, every year between middle of Feb (when I found out one of my twins had died) til the end of March (his funeral) I am a total mess. It's a very physical thing: heart murmur worsens, headaches, PMT-like symptoms (I get very stressed at my son) and I guess my body is letting me know that I haven't actually dealt with this properly. I don't really know what to do though. I'm not one for counselling. I tried it before and, to be honest, the woman wa s clueless.

I just don't know if going through this every year is normal or not. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:

shabster · 19/03/2008 10:58

Oh sweetheart Its been 26 years since one of my darling twin sons died and even now I find it overwhelming.

16 years ago I lost my third son (almost 8) when he was knocked down by a lorry.

Im not sure what to say to you - most of the time I can put my face on and pretend to people that I am fine, but some days it is so hard to do.

Have you tried Compassionate Friends - its a self help group set up by bereaved parents for bereaved parents - they saved my life a few times just with encouraging phone calls. If you need the contact details just shout up.

I used to have to think 'one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe' I had to mentally and physically concentrate on every breath.

The old chestnut 'time heals' is true but makes me mad every time someone says it.

Always around if you need to talk. Usually on the multiples thread

ajandjjmum · 19/03/2008 11:05

My heart goes out to you both.

newgirl · 19/03/2008 11:09

i dont know really. i think you probably just need to allow yourself to feel sad at this time and be really kind to yourself.

Plan some lovely things to do as a family and for yourself, eat well, get out for some walks, spend time with friends and family.

Im a big fan of rescue remedy too!

MaryAnnSmotheredinchocolate · 19/03/2008 11:09

am very for you Lou - agree about trying Compassionate Friends as suggested by shabster and Winston's Wish - maybe helpful for your boy..

MaryAnnSmotheredinchocolate · 19/03/2008 11:11

a thread about bereavement which might be helpful

shabster · 19/03/2008 11:13

Im just going to put all the contact numbers on here for Compassionate Friends. My mum got me involved with them I quite simply couldn't be bothered. They were great and made me stop feeling quite so isolated - thinking I was the 'only one' that this had happened to.

Compassionate Friends, 53, North Street, Bristol, BS3 1EN.

Telephone:- 0845 120 3785

www.tcf.org.uk [email protected]

They will really welcome you my love.

Original poster

Lou1971 · 19/03/2008 11:20

Thank you all so much for your kind words (which are making me blub!!!).

I think I've always felt that I'm a bit of a fraud. I was pregnant, I had a baby. The loss of Joe wasn't really apparent. Also, because he died before he was born (and I've always said that, for my own sake, I was "relieved" it was this way if it had to happen at all) it shouldn't feel like I'd lost anything. I think I've always been brave and played it down.

I'm so sorry for everyone else's losses. It can be a cruel world .......

OP posts:

MaryAnnSmotheredinchocolate · 19/03/2008 11:21

God no, you aren't a fraud - you lost your baby and you have a right to your feelings xxx

shabster · 19/03/2008 11:28

Never a fraud my love. When I first came onto mumsnet I headed straight for the multiples thread (encouraged by a Compassionate friends mate )

At first I felt a little like that - but the girls on there have never made me feel that way - just my nutty brain working overtime.

You dont have to be 'brave' if you are around people who care. Joe existed and will always exist - but sometimes having a sole twin is a kind of double edged sword. I used to envy twins if I saw them in their prams and then look at my survivor and my heart would bleed for him and for me.

Incidentally, my twin survivor is now 26 and about to become a first time daddy in June, and, YES we all panicked in case they were having twins

Hold your survivor close - even if he thinks he is too old - hug him, talk with him, and just enjoy each other. Always here for you love -take care xxxxxxxx

MaryAnnSmotheredinchocolate · 19/03/2008 11:35

aww shabster - that was a nice post - congratulations to your ds too !

shabster · 19/03/2008 11:38

Thank you MaryAnne - I will be a first time grandma too - I can't wait. It has been a long road but somehow we are all still here!! My DTS is a delight and his partner is the daughter I never had. I am one lucky mum

MaryAnnSmotheredinchocolate · 19/03/2008 11:43

just looked at your profile - what happened to your other son who died, if that's not being too nosy ?

shabster · 19/03/2008 11:51

Not nosey at all - I love talking about my lads. Matt was almost 8 and allowed out of the garden to play with his friends for the first time.

Within 5 minutes of being out, on a quiet estate with very little traffic a lorry reversed over him and crushed him to death. When I read that back it sounds like it happened to someone else.

Matt was the funniest, craziest little lad. He made the sun shine after we lost Gareth our twin. I haven't even started to mentally deal with that properly.

I had my last son when I was 41 and he is now 10 - he feels like another chance for me because I still feel guilty about the two boys I lost - yes I know I didnt do anything its just one of those mad mummy emotions.

Original poster

Lou1971 · 19/03/2008 11:55

Shabster, that's terrifying. You're amazing to take the time to help others and I love how you talk about Matt.

I swayed between being clingy and reckless with Tom (my surviving twin) and still hate to let him out of my site, although I know it's necessary.

Also glad to hear that you are an older mum; I'd love more kids. I know you can't "replace" children but, as you say, it feels like another chance.

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MaryAnnSmotheredinchocolate · 19/03/2008 11:57

that is awful shabster ..it is great though that you can talk about your boys, I dfo think that is all part of the healing and grieving process. I am interested in how people deal/live with grief...I have taken years and years to be fully open about the death of my brother - he was ten and died of a rare cancer. I think it has all become more apparent because my ds is now 10 and I can't help but thin k of my brother and wonder about him, what he might be like now, the nieces and nephews I might have had, how close we might have been ( there is 7 yrs between me and younger brother and was only 3 between me and him) . How does your twin feel about his brother(s) ?

shabster · 19/03/2008 11:59

Lou my last born is a Tom as well - I love that name.

I would do anything to help another Mum who is feeling as sad as I have felt, and still do, at times.

Talking about them helps so much.

I have become quite sarcastic and somewhat manic over the years and, for me, that has helped.

Be kind to yourself love - one step at a time and all those sayings that I know drive me mad!!

Talk, cry, smile, laugh, get mad - in fact do whatever works for you.

batters · 19/03/2008 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabster · 19/03/2008 13:41

My twin cannot remember his twin properly but they were only together 7 months on this strange planet we live on. I tell him to look in the mirror because even though they were non identical most people got them mixed up. His feelings are quite raw still about Matt - they were closer than close could be.

He has been to see a wonderful psychiatrist who has made him say 'goodbye' to his brothers - something he cried and screamed about to the psychiatrist.

Cause he will soon be a daddy himself it has made him extra, extra nervous about his own little lad (yes another little boy) we talk about it constantly and think that helps him.

MaryAnnSmotheredinchocolate · 19/03/2008 14:09

Really hope everything goes well with your new grandson shabster - I always think there's a bit of my brother in my ds and hope he has inherited some of his spirit - ds has his name as part of his.

shabster · 19/03/2008 16:50

Thank you MaryA - Im DETERMINED that my families lives are going to be great - Lewis (my granbaby who is due) is already a great help to feeling positive.

You know Compassionate Friends who I mentioned earlier? They have a siblings group as well - for any bereaved siblings of any age - just a thought that may help you.

Noseyed into your profile and you have a very, very handsome son - beautiful

MaryAnnSmotheredinchocolate · 19/03/2008 16:52

thank you shabster -kind words about ds ! and yes, I noticed the thing about siblings...

Original poster

Lou1971 · 22/03/2008 21:21

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone. You all really helped. It passes as quickly as it comes on and I think the worst is over (for this year!). I think I will consider speaking to someone. There are lots of underlying issues I believe are attached to losing Joe, including not bonding with Tom as much as I could. I love him more than anything in the world, and tell him this lots, but I think I avoid (subconsiously) spending "quality" time with him for fear of attachment - sounds ridiculous! I have been spending more time with him recently and there have been benefits and improved behaviour all round!

Thanks again to everyone for not making me feel so alone.

Lou X

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