Guilt in grief

[acloudofsadness]

I really need a handhold and some advice on how to cope with this please if anyone can help.

My dear FIL recently passed away in a terrible accident (he was not elderly, and should have had years and years left). It was extremely traumatic for lots of reasons.

It’s been a huge shock to us all.

What I am struggling are HUGE feelings of guilt. My FIL was a lovely, kind, but not easy man. He struggled hugely with his mental health and had manic depression. We had not seen him or spoken to him in 7months because I gave birth to my first child 3 months ago and in the later stages of pregnancy and having a newborn baby, with my FIL going through a manic episode and refusing to take his medication, my DH ceased contact. My FIL did not take this well and although respected our wishes continued to not take his medication and was spiralling further and further.

My DH has no guilt (or so he claims). He says he loved his dad but couldn’t deal with the manic episodes and had his dad started taking his medication he would have welcomed his dad back with open arms as he had many times before. His dad knew this too as it was a constant cycle.

I’m so sad he didn’t meet his grandchild.

I’m so sad we won’t make any more memories with him.

I’m so sad we hadn’t seen him recently and that he died without us having telling him how special he was to us (though in his manic state it wouldn’t have registered anyway I doubt).

I have a baby to look after and I’m falling apart. My DH is coping better than me. I can NOT stop crying. I feel as though I’ll never get over the guilt and that maybe in some way we are being punished for not being more accepting or lenient with FIL. I look at my baby and think I don’t deserve you because I must be an awful cruel person.

I don’t feel like I deserve happiness now. My FIL was a good, kind man. He wasn’t perfect and his mental health was awful but he was a good man. He deserved more from us.

I can’t talk to my DH about this as don’t want to make things worse for him. My own family is going through a very difficult time right now so I don’t really have much support myself.

This helps to write it down.

I send my condolences. Please OP remember that u were not responsible for what happened to your FIL. I am experiencing grief due to suicide of my partner. The decision not to take medication was not your's. It is awful that FIL had an accident. Grief is sometimes inexplicable. Just go with it. Look after yourself

I'm so sorry @BCBird I can't even imagine what you're going through.

This is my first experience of real grief to be honest. I've been lucky enough to go through 37 years of not having anyone close to me pass away. It's just awful and feels like we will never be happy again.

Losing someone is always hard and in an accident or suddenly is the absolute worst.

Be kind to yourself and remember that not taking his meds was his choice not yours.

@Anjea but it was our choice to cease contact. We just thought eventually he'd start taking them as he always did and he would be knocking on the door nice and normal and we'd tell him he's ridiculous and that he can't stop taking them again and he'd laugh and say yes I know and we would all have dinner and that would be that. This was the cycle.

We always knew he was vulnerable but we took for granted he would always be here and now he isn't.

Does anyone have experience with guilt in grief and any help with how to deal with it?

Just giving a bump x

Im very sorry for your loss.
A very much loved relative of mine died in a 6 month break from seeing them. It wasn’t a ceasing contact situation, it was a life being too busy situation. She phoned me 2 weeks before she died when I was on my way out. I closed down the call because I was on my way out and said I would phone back and it slipped my mind and I didn’t. Prior to the 6 months break I saw her very regularly. I was devastated and filled with guilt when she died. I had nightmares about her because the guilt was effecting my mind so much.
It did get better with a lot of time, but even now over a decade later I have regrets.
You can’t let it consume you though. If you often had this cycle with your FIL where he returned to you and things got solved, he probably expected to do that too. The accident just very unfortunately stopped that happening. If he was the kind man you say he was, he would understand. Think of him during the good times and think what he would say to you if he knew how you were feeling and suffering. Having that conversation in my head ‘with’ my relative helped me enormously.

@WDKYMYS thank you for sharing that - you sound like a lovely person. I can totally relate to this. It's an awful feeling. I'm sure they knew you loved them xxx