My Dad is gone and I’m struggling *TW details of death and dying*

[NameChange1412]

I posted recently under this name about my Dad’s sudden cardiac arrest (56, previously fit and healthy, no symptoms) and the subsequent time he spent in ITU.

My wonderful, wonderful Dad left us last week due to the brain injury he sustained due to the downtime during the arrest. He went through multiple invasive, horrible procedures and contracted 4 infections during his time in ITU, all to tell us that his brain was functioning at a very basic level and my Dad was already gone. The consultant sat us down and asked what Dad would want, we answered honestly that he wouldn’t want to live like that, and agreed to withdrawal of life-sustaining treatment and to commence palliative care. I’m struggling badly with the guilt of that, I feel like we essentially agreed to put him down (I know it’s not like that) and that we did right by him, but watching my lovely, strong Dad wither away and die has broken my heart. He could open his eyes but they were just staring vacantly and I kept just expecting him to wake up but knew he couldn’t.

I’m a nurse and have seen hundreds of people die, but watching my Dad die has destroyed me. Every time I go to sleep, I see his face and his eyes pointing in different directions, the gaping hole in his neck where they removed the trachy they’d put in just 4 days before, the horrendous noises he made, and it’s sullying every lovely memory I have of my Dad. I feel guilty for almost wishing they’d never got him back in the first place so he wouldn’t have had to go through any of that, but I am immensely grateful for the 3 weeks I got to spent holding his hand and smothering him in love.

I feel like I’m just wandering aimlessly around, I’ve gone to call Dad to chat so many times, as I usually would, and I can’t because he’s gone.

I can’t deal with people constantly texting me to send their love and share stories about my Dad and have just muted all notifications on my phone and not replied to a single one. I made myself go out and walk the dog today and just sobbed the whole time because my Dad used to meet me every Sunday to walk together.

I’m signed off work with stress at the moment and have another week before I have to go back and function, so I’m making myself tidy the house to keep my mind busy, but I know there are birthday cards from my Dad lurking in drawers ready to hurt me. I’m glad I kept them, but I don’t want to see them yet as I know I’ll never get another one.

I’ve got an appointment with a funeral director next week and have tried to take back some of the power by pre-planning so they can’t ask me anything I’m not ready to answer, but I’m so angry that I even have to go and do that because I shouldn’t be planning a 56yo man’s funeral.

I’m so surrounded by love from my DP, family and friends, and Dad’s enormous group of friends (he was genuinely liked by everyone he met, there’s nobody on the planet who dislikes him) but I feel so fucking alone. Even though he’s so loved, I found it so hard to let others come and see him before he went because I didn’t want them to see him like that, and I didn’t want to have to ‘share’ him when I knew I didn’t have long left with him.

I don’t know if I need practical support from this thread, or just somewhere to put all my feelings down without actually talking to anyone IRL, but there must be someone out there who’s been through this. Thank you for reading

I'm sorry for your loss of your lovely father @NameChange1412 . My mother died and all I can say is it is a terrible time, your feelings are normal and unsurprising and you are still in shock.

Nothing will make it better because it is horrible. All you can do is survive the next hour because your father would want you do to that. You are half of him and by living on you are honouring him indeed both your parents. You survive that hour, and then the next one. Then you've done a whole 24 hours. Then 48 hours. Then a week and a month and so on. At this stage it is nothign more than one foot in front of the other.

It never gets better in the sense that the grief goes away but what does happen is that the shock and disbelief and the rawness of the pain starts to subside over time.

As time passes, the upset of what you have witnessed will stop being the first thing you think of about your father, and you will have space for the beautiful memories of a life lived well together and your childhood and teenage years to flood back in.

I'm sorry I wish I could make it better as the death of a loved parent is such a huge life event but just know you aren't alone in feeling that pain.

Sending all the love in the world to you @NameChange1412 on the loss of your wonderful father, far too soon and in such difficult circumstances.

I lost my beloved Dad 5 months ago,
and struggled to come to terms with what I saw in the final days. Over time, I have come to feel that it was a great honour to have been there to hold his hand in that darkest time; and he is worth the difficult memories we are needing to come to terms with now. That is evidence of the love you displayed for him when he most needed it.

Coincidentally, I read an article with Paul McKenna in the Sunday papers today, and he described the exact same difficulty of being continually troubled by an awful image of his Dad in hospital towards the end of his life. After some time had passed, he was able to replace that picture with one of them playing football together as a child, which became the default setting his brain went to. So while he remains terribly sad he’s gone, he can now also remember the good times shared.

It has inspired me to try to pick a few key memories I would like my brain to “default to” when remembering my Dad ☺️ So in time please know that you will be able to work on the distress you’re currently feeling. Sending you love and strength