My mom passed unexpectedly. The guilt and loss are killing me.

[Daryle]

I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything because it was too much house and property for my mom. I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiancé loved each other as well even though my fiance didn't love with us. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time (a few months ago) and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she didn't want me to take her just let her rest and see if the pain let up any. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was lying in bed trying to get comfortable. I told her I would be back at 3pm and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER and not "waited to see" I could have helped her and she may still be here. I was afraid it was serious, but also didnt want to put her through the hell of going in an ambulance and all unless she had to. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home" to be with our Lord and family, I know she didn't want to leave me and I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. I have no idea how to shake this feeling. We talked every morning before I went to work, sometimes around lunch, and I went upstairs to see her every afternoon when I got home, and then talked 1 or 2 times after that at night. My mom was my routine and although a squeezed a couple things for myself in here and there she was my life. I can’t even stand being in my home because of not hearing her footsteps upstairs anymore. The silence is deafening. I walk upstairs and my brain can't even process her not being there. Of course sometimes I had thoughts of what it would be like when she was gone and I would no longer have the responsibility, and now I feel guilty for having those thoughts and would give everything to have her back. I did everything for her and feel like I completely failed her in the end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Oh sweetheart your mum was 74 and in poor health, it was her time to go and is not your fault. You're still in shock but it will pass with time. Even if you had taken her in there's likely nothing they could have done, it's better she passed at home in her own bed 💐 xx

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were an incredibly loving daughter.

Some very emotional threads on MN this evening you have my condolences OP please don't feel guilty it sounds as if you were a loving and amazing daughter she would have passed knowing that she raised a loving,kind, caring daughter.berevment of a parent is something that never goes away.

I'm sure mum would want you to remember the good times.give yourself time to grieve but be gentle with yourself once again I'm so sorry for your loss

Gosh you were so close I'm not surprised this has so badly affected you. You just need looking after yourself for a while. Take care 💐

@dcadmamagain @Blueeyedmale

The 'm' after OP's age (43m) stands for male

I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were so close and also that you cared for her so well. You had valid reasons for not taking her to the ER and you were checking on her. I lost my mum 3 years ago and found guilt was a large part of my grief. Much love to you during this sad time.

Firstly, I'm sorry that posters are assuming you're female, you made it clear you're male.

I'm so incredibly sorry for the shock and pain you're experiencing at the unexpected loss of your mother. You say it's all consuming; that's normal. The loss of a parent rocks us to our very core, and yours and your mother's lives were so closely entwined that the change to your life is immense and must feel overwhelming.

There is nothing for it but to try to accept your feelings as they rush at you, it's the only way to work through them.

But you do need to try to believe that the truth is you gave your mother your all, you were her rock and undoubtedly the light of her life. You have in no way failed her, quite the opposite, you gave her every drop of support that anyone could muster. If you were my son I'd be extremely proud and grateful, in awe of your devotion.

The painful flipside of love is the pain of loss. What I can tell you is that the pain will subside. It will take time though. To be honest, you need to take very good care of yourself now because you have been hit by the emotional equivalent of a truck and you need space, time and support to recover.

My advice is to set yourself a very simple routine that includes your needs - food, exercise, sleep, hygiene, chores - and follow it zealously. Routine is a great framework for recovery.

Accept the support on offer, and limit yourself to contact with people you feel most comfortable with.

In time, you may like to think about a way to honour your mother whether it is putting together a photo book of her life or planting a special tree in her memory... these can be very healing.

Thank you so much for your reply. I have posted my story on multiple forums and the responses are mostly the same. They have really helped me a lot. It's so hard because I have been with my mom almost my entire life. Even when I set out on my own it was short lived because once my dad got sick I moved back in to help and one thing led to another. I'm struggling with not only losing my mom, who has been my life, but almost in shock at the idea that I have to start my own. I don't even know how to get off work. It was always call my mom on the way home, and the go upstairs (our houses are like 2 in 1 with a full basement where I live) and see her, visit her, and so things for her. Again, thank you so much and God bless you!

I get it, the silence. My best friend and grandad passed away yesterday morning unexpectedly 88. He lived with me had his schedules of eating supper,TV,reading etc and now its all silent. I actually don't know what to do with myself right now