Lost dad quickly to cancer in March last year. We didn’t suspect it was that. It was a huge shock to find he was stage 4 with no hope and a terminal diagnosis.
We’ve just got through our birthdays, Christmas, New Year and today is his birthday.
I lit the fire and made hot chocolate. My daughter wasn’t very well so we stayed home as initially we planned to go see my sister and be together.
I am in therapy once a week as I held him dying, but today I’m struggling. I know the world moves on and it’s my dad and we expect to lose our parents but I’m really, really struggling.
My marriage isn’t great, I feel so alone and my dad always had my back.
I miss him every single second. Some days I wish I wasn’t here. I wake up and think oh here we go again…
I just wanted to ask will life get better? I feel I keep feeling guilty I didn’t know (none of us did) that he had cancer. Why didn’t I realise or know. He just had a sore throat and I made him see the doctor after 10 days or so as I said he might need antibiotics.
I keep thinking of being in the scan and then taking us into a private room immediately after and telling us it was cancer. His face. It keeps going round my mind how he coped.
Sorry if this is rambling. I’m crying as I type. I feel so disconnected from life apart from friends who have also suffered loss. I feel closer to them.
Sorry again, I just don’t feel good today.