Do I Go To The Funeral?

[DoIgotothefuneral]

Regular poster, name changed as very outing.

My lovely mum died in the middle of December, 2023. Her case had to go before a coroner so we have only just got her death certificate, and so life insurance. Her funeral (Cremation) is now booked.

When she was here she was my rock. I suffer badly with anxiety conditions and she always helped me with them, night or day. (I have referred myself for talking therapy and the doctor has given me beta blockers. I have also rung emergency mental health lines.) I have agoraphobia: I never used to go out unless it was unavoidable (Like dentist, hospital, etc.). Even then I would take diazepam (Valium) and my mum would have to come with me.
I have 2 siblings who have been really good to me but are obviously expecting me to come to the funeral. And I feel (Unduly) pressured into going. At night (I almost wrote this post last night!) I feel my most fearful and don't want to go. The next day I will feel not so anxious and convince myself that I'll go for my siblings.
I don't even know if the dr will prescribe me any more Diazepam as I confessed to him how I take it. I am not addicted, but I have built up a tolerance to them over the years. I've never told that to the dr in case they don't describe them again. I have such a fear of being away from home, that I take all the prescribed tablets in one go. I was described 7, 2mg Diazepam so I could go to the hospital whilst my mum was dying. I took all 7 and they lasted for three days, then the panic attacks came back (She died that day.). I told the dr this and he wasn't impressed.
Also, one of my landlords workers came and fixed the shared front door the other day as it wouldn't stay shut. Trouble is now you can't open it outside with the key every time!
I don't know. If I am truly honest, I don't want to go. I believe my mum is now in heaven and not in that box. I would only be going for my siblings, who all have partners, some children, and have friends going.
Help?!

This is a hard one, but in my opinion, if you don't go, you may regret it down the line and you won't be able to reverse that decision. If you do go, it will be very hard for you (my dad's funeral was only a month ago, so this is all new to me too). I think that you need to listen to your gut on this one. Do what feels right for you.

And you need to start looking after yourself better and get the help you need with the agoraphobia. Best of luck ♥️

Of course you have to go. She was your mum.

Im so sorry for your loss.

Yes, I do think you should try and go. Funerals are important. Would your siblings take you to it?

How ignorant!

No op your mum will not have expected you to go through this anxiety as well as grieving, you can grieve in your own way and I'm sure your family will understand.
I know too well how debilitating acrophobia and social anxiety is and no way would my mum have expected me to be there for the sake of being there.
I'm sorry you've lost your mum who supported you so much but if your mental health isn't up to it then don't go.

Haven't you already got a thread about this?

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think your agoraphobia could be managed better. There are many medications out there that might allow you to be more comfortable going out in public.

As for your mum’s funeral, she knew you best and wouldn’t expect you to put yourself under such duress.

Please try and push for some better help for your MH.

(My son is a fellow sufferer and is well managed currently and can live a good life)

Funerals are for the living and not the dead.
Are your siblings going to understand if you don't go?
Are you going to regret not going?
Is there any other medication you can take to help you with pushing back against your anxiety.
You can't use your old strategies so are going to have to create new ones in the years to come, can your doctor offer you more support.

@DoIgotothefuneral

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. Xx

I wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks. You do what's right for YOU.

but fwiw, this is what I think.

its a one off opportunity, its not something you can re-do, go another time etc. I worry that you'll regret not going. one day when you have your agoraphobia 'under control' you might be deeply regretful or angry with yourself.

I was single when my Dad died (he was only 65 so relatively young & healthy) my best friend came with me. She would have been there anyway, but she came in the place of a partner. She's my rock, always has been.

Do you have a friend who would support you?

what do you think your Mum would have said?

I'm having a direct cremation to avoid putting my family through a funeral. I can't abide them, they're for the support of the living IMO- the dead don't care, they're gone. If you don't want to go it's your decision. Your Mum won't know or care. Maybe seek help soon though as it doesn't sound as if you're happy. Very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my mum a few years ago and it's a very hard journey.

Ultimately it's your decision but for what it's worth, I would think about it carefully so you don't end up with regrets. Funerals can be an important part of the grieving process and some people look back and find them a helpful moment. Of course we're all different but this is true of some people.

Is there a particular part of it that's worrying you and where adaptations could be made? For example would it be easier if you could sit at the back (maybe with a friend) rather than be 'on display' with family at the front? There might be ways you can be there but with things put in place to make it more comfortable for you.

Ultimately it's your decision but I think it's important to carefully weigh it up.

You do not have to go if it is too hard for you to do so.

Only you can know if it is something that will help you or make things worse.

You have to weigh up the possibility of future regret vs. present anxiety. No one should be judging you, if they do they are an arse.

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum

I don't suppose your siblings would consider streaming the ceremony would they?

I think you should do whatever you feel most comfortable with - and by the sounds of your lovely mum she would want you to do the same.

Could a video link be set up at the crematorium? I know they did that through Covid, perhaps they still have the equipment available so you can still feel part of the day...if you want to?

I'm so so sorry for your loss - go easy on yourself and do what you can. There's no right or wrong way to behave. Nobody would bat an eye if you couldn't attend because of a debilitating physical illness, agoraphobia isn't something you can just pop away for a bit, most people understand that, and most importantly it sounds like your family understand that. You don't need to attend a funeral to mourn your mums passing

Don't go if you don't want to go. It's absolutely fine. Your mother is gone, and you have no obligation to go - no obligation to family or friends. You can deal with your bereavement how you want and need to deal with it.

You need to get help and tel the Dr straight how things are with you. Your managing it all wrong. And as for funeral you will regret not going

To me, funerals are very important- to help move towards closure and to support others. If you weren't crippled with anxiety, would you want to be there? Because if so, I think you should try to go. Can someone collect you and take you there?

As for your anxiety - you need to be honest with your doctor and take their advice. Overdosing on your meds can't possibly be a good idea and it sounds like you are living from day to day without a plan to improve things and support you to have a better life. You deserve better.

To everyone saying how important funerals are, and how OP will regret not going, that is just your opinion, it's not 'fact/ not true for everybody.

I didn't want to go to my dad's funeral, and I didn't go, and I've never given it a moment's thought since.

I know how incapacitating this level of anxiety can be and if I were your Mum, I would not want you to be overwhelmed by going. Your Mum supported you and knew how much you struggled, she would understand. I
hope your siblings would understand too.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. The funeral was yesterday so I thought I'd come on and update,
I managed to get another 7, 2mg of diazepam from the dr. I was getting increasingly anxious leading up to yesterday and kept feeling like I couldn't go.
Yesterday morning I took 5 tablets, so 10mg. I was still freaking out an hour before we were due to go so took another 2, 4mg. Even as we got in the car going I was still experiencing very high anxiety. I kept hearing in my head, 'I can't do this, I need to turn back NOW!' But, I kept trying to breathe and remind myself it was just thoughts. Got there, still quite nervous at waiting to go in but as more people I knew turned up I was chatting to them so it helped distract me. The service and afterwards I was OK.
I was glad I went and it hopefully helped with the anxiety of agoraphobia when I do go out next. I believe if I had given in that would have been it forever.

Well done op. You've done your mum proud.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I think it's good that you went. Your mum would be proud. You really should seek some help for your conditions though and be honest with your doctor about the diazapan. It's highly addictive.

I was going to comment that you don’t need to go to the funeral to pay your respects to your mum. She would understand and that’s all that matters.

Just read your update, that you made it. Well done, what an amazing achievement. Not only going out but going to what is the hardest thing you probably will ever have to do.

Build on this OP. You have more strength than you realise. You feel reliant on the tablets but they didn’t get you there, your strength did. Be kind to yourself and feel pride in what you achieved.
I hope you can get the support you need and the right medication. Your mum would be very proud of you; I hope in this terribly sad time you are proud of yourself too. Best wishes