Angry with my mum after dad's death

[FrenchGeek]

Dear lovely mums,
I am really struggling this Christmas and looking for any words of wisdom or just hugs.
My Dad died earlier this year, and although my parents remained together for most of the last 20 years my Mum had been having an affair. I'm now in my 40s, and she asked me to keep this a secret from my Dad when I was 21. Over the years, Mum and I came to blows about it repeatedly, but I never seriously considered telling Dad (though I was sorely tempted at times), because his health was fragile by then, she'd cheated once before I was born and told him and he'd been in a terrible state, and I somehow thought he wouldn't survive it again. I guess I sort of became his emotional caretaker. Mum is pretty self-involved and I feel I've always been the adult.
Dad was absolutely devoted to Mum, and although he was pretty disciplinarian with me he couldn't say no to her. He was an 'anything for an easy life' type. Mum cared for him devotedly through his later years and final illness, there was real love between them as well but the affair didn't stop until the other man became ill too.
Keeping the secret from my Dad massively affected my relationship with him. I was obviously angry with my Mum for asking me to; he saw this and would repeatedly say 'why can't you just be nice to your Mum'. I obviously wanted to scream 'if you only knew the half of it', but I just swallowed it. I desperately wanted his love and comprehension, but couldn't tell him the one thing I needed him to understand.
It was only once he died that I fully realised it was too late. Now I'm left with huge anger towards my mum, and I've aired it repeatedly with her. I think she gets it to some extent and has apologised, but somehow it doesn't seem to help. I'm in therapy but I just keep going round this cycle where I punish her, get at her for every little thing I can etc, think 'I don't know why I bother' but keep coming to see her - as I did this Christmas because I didn't think she should be alone, but it has been unremittingly miserable. I'm at the point where I'm wondering, should I just cut off relations? But she is my daughter's only grandparent, she's lonely and getting elderly herself, and although she's a very difficult person there's lots of good in her too. I just don't know how to manage the constant anger and hurt.
Thank you so much for reading, I just needed to write this somewhere where it'll be heard by a few others who might relate. Any wisdom welcome xx

Sorry you’re going through this. My mum had an affair for some time and I knew before my dad did. Like your mum mine asked me to keep it secret and I did for a bit but then dad found out. They got divorced. My brother was furious and stopped talking to her. I told myself that while I didn’t condone the affair you never know what goes on in someone’s marriage. My mum had the usual excuses of stuff like dad didn’t pay her any attention, etc. and she was right, he pretty much didn’t. But then guess she didn’t need to have an affair. 🤷‍♀️

I suppose at least she looked after your dad well when he was ill?

IME you can’t outrun a particularly complicated kind of grief.

I tired really hard, but where you go, it follows.

In some ways I don’t think your experience of your parents was a million miles away from my own with mine. An apology is like gold. Or at least, one day it could well be. But it’s too soon into your grief to hold its worth yet.

Estrangement is its own kind of hell. Perhaps keep contact short and sweet while you working through the long, lonely road of mourning both your dad, AND the entirely honest relationship with him that you lost due to your mother’s choices.

She doesn’t have a time machine to make it different. She will probably never entirely understand the damage she caused you, in part because her self-defence mechanism won’t let her. But one day, not for a while, but one day, that apology may come to be the one thing she did that mattered.

A huge, massive hug. I’ve walked in not entirely dissimilar shoes. My heart goes out to you because grief with added complications is so damn hard on a soul.

Thank you so much for this @AlienatedChildGrown and I’m sorry you’ve been through a version of it too. You’re right, it’s rough on the soul. It has all been so weird and hypocritical and appearances-above-all (the other man and his wife even came to dad’s funeral etc) that it is just a comfort to know I’m not completely alone in experiencing this situation. Thank you for your wisdom.

That must have been an awful burden to carry. I presume that it was something that you discovered accidentally and not something your mother willingly told you?

Maybe it would help to re-frame it in your mind. That by keeping this secret all of these years you have done your dad a kindness. Your mum had a previous affair and he had chosen to stay. You say that he adored her, that there was love on both sides, thst she cared for him throughout a long illness. What good could have come from telling him? In fact it is very possible that he did know and just chose to ignore it. Many people take this road in a long marriage.

I do understand that it must have been a terrible secret to keep for so long. I'm sorry for your loss and hope that the therapy helps you untangle the mess.

Thanks so much @XiCi. The root of the upset really is that originally my mum chose to reveal it, in a sort of be-my-confidante way (ie. she didn’t want a proper conversation or to acknowledge how it would be hard for me, she just wanted me to giggle along and then got upset with me for being angry). After that, she said it had ended and I then accidentally found out ten years later that it had never stopped. I never blamed her for the affair itself, I understood her need for it, just for the way she forced me to get involved.
So yes, it’s both and… you’re right, no good could have come from telling my dad, but I also felt in an impossible position because he thought I was awful for being angry with my mum. Thank you for your support and I’m sure I’ll gradually untangle it xx

It was really poor parenting from your mum to put you in that situation. She should have been the parent and treated you as a daughter and therefore not told you!

Thank you @CormorantStrikesBack. Yes, it was a biiiig mistake on her part. I really hope I have learned from it how to make sure I always treat my daughter as a daughter and not a would-be friend, no matter how close we might be… thanks for your support, it’s been a tough Christmas x

Your parents had a secret between them. If she hadn’t told you, there would have been a barrier between you and her. You could have found out later and been completely bewildered and questioned everything you thought you knew about your parents.

There was no perfect way, just a series of less perfect ones. Take time, process it then let it go. There are worse things she could have done.

@pickledandpuzzled thank you for the alternative perspective, also very true.

Just another possible reframe... your mum had an affair, told your dad, he was bereft, wanted to stay with her. Is it possible that she wanted to leave but felt unable to? Felt it would harm him too much to leave? I often wonder if affair partners on some level know but prefer not to really know. Could you see it as your father did perhaps on some level know, and was accepting of the situation, if the alternative was your mother leaving him.

I wanted to give you a big hug. My husbands mother had an affair and involved both the children in it (told them if your dad finds out we've been on holiday with another man you'll go into a home etc). His dad died first and he barely had a relationship with his mum, then when she died he just suddenly understood - the pain she had been in and trying to find happiness elsewhere, the threats that were such bad parenting suddenly seemed understandable to him. I think if you can find a way to let this guilt go of keeping a secret from your dad then you will feel much more free.
Maybe write him a letter and tell him how you feel. Xxx