So upset about the way my Gran died

[Bluechristmas1]

Trigger warning - end of life care

My Gran was a healthy 90 YO until she had a stroke last year, lost ability to walk and was bed bound with infection after infection. Mentally she has been pretty much all there though.

She was hospitalised with yet another infection a week or so ago. I went to see her twice this week and she was not eating not speaking just laying there and she was doing the ‘death rattle’ (I googled it after as she was breathing strangely).

I saw her a couple of hours before she died. I played her music and chatted hoping to give her some comfort. My uncle was supposed to see her after me but his car broke down.

The nurse said to me she was conscious of what was going on as she could respond if she asked her if she was in pain. Her eyes were mostly open when I saw her. It really upsets me to think she may have know she was dying and if she was scared and that her last moments were scared, breathing like that. 😪

I would just like a handhold really.

I am aware others on here will have lost people too young or in horrific circumstances and I just want to say I am aware it was my Gran’s time. It just upsets me that she went out like that, probably aware of what was going on, as opposed to slipping away in her sleep.

I almost died once. Drowning. And when I 'knew' I was going, I felt peace. Not worried or anxious or scared. And I was in my 20s without a lovely family member playing me music and chatting beforehand.

You did a good thing going to see her. She was receiving medical care and I assume any pain management she needed. I know it's hard but there's every chance she was at peace and calm.

Try not to go over it in your head. I'm sure you have a thousand lovely memories of her. Is there one you'd like to share here?

Im so sorry for your loss, OP. And at this time of year it’s particularly hard. RIP to your lovely gran, and sending you sympathy just now.
If it is any comfort, I’ve been a nurse in palliative care for a long time, and even in their last moments patients can let us know if they are agitated or uncomfortable. The breathing sounds terrible, but is a common and painless symptom, and is much more frightening for us than it is for the dying person.

Your granny may have be conscious, but that consciousness doesn’t really equate to ours. I always describe it as more like dozing in that state. That being said, I’m sure it brought her peace and comfort to have you with her.

Similar experience to @MrsTerryPratchett I remember that feeling of peace. Quite overwhelming.

My gran died yesterday OP so I do feel your pain.

Sounds like you were there for her. When I was called she was already asleep and I will never know if she heard me say I love you.

Hand hold xx

Be kinder to yourself @Bluechristmas1.

One of her last memories was spending time with you, someone who loved her. That's a bloody good way to go.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss but I am pleased you saw your gran very near the end. I'm sure that brought a lot of comfort to her.

My own grandma is 95 and in relatively good health.

She was saying just this week she feels like she has 'been here too long now'. She's not depressed, she's had an amazing life and loves it, she lives with one of her sons and has her other over the road. So when she says she has been here too long, she means it.

What I mean by this is that, while knowing death is coming can seem scary to us when we are younger, it may come - genuinely - as a relief (or at least, not as a bad thing) to someone much, much older.

Even if there was pain, it was just a short amount in a long (and hopefully) mostly happy life. Thats not bad, to me: I'd choose that for myself.

Sorry for your loss OP and that you are feeling distressed. It is likely that If your gran was on end of life care, doctors will have prescribed a variety of medication that the nurse would be able to give to her (they are injections) to ease her passing if the nurse believed her to be in discomfort. I imagine it was more distressing for you to see her than it felt for your gran.

Sorry for your loss OP. My grandpa died recently age 96 in a similar manner and I found it really distressing too, when he went into hospital and my mum called to say he wasn't going to recover I rushed there to say goodbye to him (400 mile round trip) and then he didn't die for another 5 days despite not eating or drinking. Thinking of him lying there knowing he was never going home and that these were his last days broke my heart but apparently like PP say it is a different level of awareness. My mum played him bird song and voice messages we all recorded for him but somehow that made me feel even worse. It is so hard but I think for the person passing away the feelings are different, I hope so anyway.

Thank your for all your lovely messages they brought a tear to my eye but a happy tear.

@MrsTerryPratchett happy memory - her bollocking my Grandad for catching him smoking. 😂I am glad you are still here <3

@BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop i was hoping someone would be along with knowledge - thank you this info helps a lot.

@Toesaresoweird I am so sorry for your loss.

@JustOneMoreBaileys thank you for this perspective. She was saying to my Dad and Uncle to put her out of her misery so she did want to go which makes me feel better. She had a happy life - a good husband and kids who she was very close to

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea thank you. they were injecting her i had kind of forgotten this.

@Therollinghills I am so sorry for your loss, and it sounds like your experience was very similar to mine. In a way perhaps I am dramatising it a bit. Perhaps that is natural for a healthy person to do seeing an old sick person, not seeing it from their perspective or being able to feel what they feel

her bollocking my Grandad for catching him smoking.

That's great. So she was a taking no nonsense kind of gran!

Yeah 😂 she was quite ahead of her time really

Mine was too. Love the women who led the way. She sounds great.

I can tell you that in a few years, after losing my gran, I remembered more of the lovely things and less of the sad things. My DD never met her great grandparents but she can tell stories about them.