A grieving granny and an excited 3yr old

[Crazybrowncow]

Does anyone have any advice please on how to manage Christmas with a high energy 3yo and a grieving mother. My father died at an old age, but unexpectedly following a fall last year.

My mum early 80s has done amazingly well to pick up life following his death. I have a DH and two DCs 10wks and 3yo. We're all together for Christmas and my mum is really struggling with grief. She is very down and has told my sister it feels worse than last year. She hasn't mentioned anything to me, never really talks about how she feels. She gets cross with my son which is partly generational and the other is her just being grumpy. I feel really conflicted in trying to have my sons first Christmas and a big exciting one for my 3yo and a somber low-key affair for my mum, any advice how to manage this?

I'm so sorry for your and your Mum's loss.

My advice is to have a normal boisterous Christmas for your 3 yo but to carve out moments of calm and escape for your Mum.

Would she enjoy a walk with you whilst other family stay at home entertaining the DC?

Could you set up a den in a different room for your DS - something like a pop up tent with blankets and fairy lights etc. Basically somewhere for him to go and chill when he starts to get over excited. (This used to work well for my DS). If you are lucky enough to have a garage or other large space can you clear space so he can play with a scooter or something in there and burn off some energy.

I hope you all manage to have a lovely Christmas - but if you don't that's ok too.

It is not fair to expect a 3 year old not to be excited and boisterous, especially at Christmas. I’d have thought that would be a tonic for her grief, but if she finds it too much, she needs to take herself out of the situation. She’s the adult. I think the only thing you can do is giver her “permission” - for example if she’s staying with you maybe put some magazines in her room and say something along the lines of “I’ve put these here in case you want to sneak off and read in leave for a bit.”

I think @HermioneWeasley has hit the nail on the head. You cannot expect to temper a 3 yr olds excitement at Christmas to meet the needs of an adult who is (understandably) in a bad place emotionally and with her grief.

I'd be more explicit though and say to your mum that your DS will obviously be extremely excited and you're not going to restrain that so you understand if she needs to take herself off somewhere for quiet time. Then allow her to have that. I'd make it clear she's also not to be grumpy with him especially as she has form for that.

Your mum needs to take responsibility for managing herself here. A 3 year old doesn't understand why he can't be excited for Christmas. If she needs some space, let her know it's ok to take it. If she wants to stay behind while you go out for a Christmas day walk, then let her know that's fine.

In a similar situation a few years ago, FiL said that having his young grandchildren around actually gave him a boost and helped him get through Christmas.

You can't temper a 3 year old at Christmas, but do have a quiet space for your mum.

Best wishes @Crazybrowncow. DDad died just before Christmas, many years ago now. It's can be a hard time.

I think grief, sadness, anger feel worse when you are trying to suppress them. Therefore, I think if you could help your DM release / vent her emotions before Christmas it would ‘make space’ emotionally for her to be more present in the Christmas excitement. Could you go with her to your father’s grave, look through old photos or go for a long walk and share memories (shedding a few tears would be a good thing here I think). Of course this might stir up unwanted emotions for you too so I appreciate it might not be the right thing.