My beautiful Dad died 2 months ago, I didn't expect it and listened to him dying for 9 hours. He was in his early 70s, i am in my 30s with young dcs. The death rattle is a sound I will never ever forget, it haunts me. When I visited him in hospital he couldn't open his eyes, I never saw them open, only when the nurse opened them and shone the torch into them.
I spilled my heart out to him in his last hours, he couldn't respond other than move his feet, and arm i was nearest towards me, it was controlled and he scooped me in. We shared 3 amazing hugs as I lay on his hospital bed beside him. I feel so privileged to get that precious time, that alot of people aren't so fortunate to get.
It hurts to my core, the pain is overwhelming and raw. I miss him so much I am getting angry, I need to see my dad. I have asked him to come back, his energy to stay around me and show me he is okay, nothing! I wonder if after death there is nothing like before you were even born?! The thought of this torments me as my dad is most likely completely gone. I have only his items around me to seek comfort in.
I'm not really sure what I'm wanting from this thread other than to vent. I just feel hopeless and like a huge part of me is missing. I feel like I'm on the edge of life watching everybody else go about their petty lives.
My confidence is on the floor and that I don't give a shit about anything other than my husband and young children, and dm, db. My dad and l were very close growing up. I feel I have lost a huge part of myself, all of his love.
I realise people lose their parents when they're children, and there are so so many worse situations. I feel really selfish saying I am in despair that there is too large a part of my life to spend without my dad. I'm supposed to lose him in just 50s/60s, not in my 30s. My dc won't even remember him. He was supposed to come over for Christmas, his gift list is still in my phone.