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Bereavement

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Will this pain ever stop?

10 replies

TORTUREDheart · 20/12/2023 14:34

My beautiful Dad died 2 months ago, I didn't expect it and listened to him dying for 9 hours. He was in his early 70s, i am in my 30s with young dcs. The death rattle is a sound I will never ever forget, it haunts me. When I visited him in hospital he couldn't open his eyes, I never saw them open, only when the nurse opened them and shone the torch into them.
I spilled my heart out to him in his last hours, he couldn't respond other than move his feet, and arm i was nearest towards me, it was controlled and he scooped me in. We shared 3 amazing hugs as I lay on his hospital bed beside him. I feel so privileged to get that precious time, that alot of people aren't so fortunate to get.

It hurts to my core, the pain is overwhelming and raw. I miss him so much I am getting angry, I need to see my dad. I have asked him to come back, his energy to stay around me and show me he is okay, nothing! I wonder if after death there is nothing like before you were even born?! The thought of this torments me as my dad is most likely completely gone. I have only his items around me to seek comfort in.

I'm not really sure what I'm wanting from this thread other than to vent. I just feel hopeless and like a huge part of me is missing. I feel like I'm on the edge of life watching everybody else go about their petty lives.

My confidence is on the floor and that I don't give a shit about anything other than my husband and young children, and dm, db. My dad and l were very close growing up. I feel I have lost a huge part of myself, all of his love.

I realise people lose their parents when they're children, and there are so so many worse situations. I feel really selfish saying I am in despair that there is too large a part of my life to spend without my dad. I'm supposed to lose him in just 50s/60s, not in my 30s. My dc won't even remember him. He was supposed to come over for Christmas, his gift list is still in my phone.

OP posts:
ArchetypalBusyMum · 20/12/2023 16:22

So sorry for your loss. Those three hugs sound extremely special and I hope you remember them forever.
It isn't fair you have lost him, it sounds like he's been an amazing dad, a special man.
I hope your family can help you cope with life as you grieve. 💐

Inyourwildestdreams · 20/12/2023 16:36

@TORTUREDheart I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 It’s ok to feel how you feel. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be angry. I was raised by my Grandparents and have unfortunately been through this twice. Although not my parents, I saw them as my parents. Treasure those hugs. You’ll never forget them. He was letting you know he heard what you were saying.
I’m glad that you got to share precious moments with him at the end.

Im now 7 years and 2 years in. Some days the grief hits me like a tonne of bricks when I see/hear something that brings back a memory and it feels so fresh and raw. But I can smile about them now. And I smile more than I’m sad.

In the early days I really had to push my emotions to the side to be able to function. I used to allow myself to cry in the shower each morning. Then it was locked away for the day. I needed to function for my DC.

In the words of the very wise Winnie The Pooh - “How lucky are we to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” ❤️

TORTUREDheart · 20/12/2023 19:31

@ArchetypalBusyMum thank you so much for kind words. I definitely am seeking solace in my family, which I am very fortunate to have. It just feels like I'm in an alternate universe without my dad.

OP posts:
gotomomo · 20/12/2023 19:41

You will always miss is him but it will become less raw, sorry for your loss

TORTUREDheart · 20/12/2023 19:46

@Inyourwildestdreams thank you for taking the time to reply. That's the thing, I have been worried that I shouldn't be feeling this way. I feel selfish for feeling deep hurt and misery when I have such a lovely dh and dcs. I am trying to snap out of it but it is just always there like shadow over everything positive.
I have been locking my dad away in my head to get through the day, which does work for a little while. Then like you said it hits like a freight train out of nowhere, and then I am back to that day he died. I cry my eyes out feeling such visceral pain. I find when I'm alone I give myself more permission to cry, there are always people around and you just want to be strong. It is so difficult, I almost feel like people expect you to be better within a certain time scale. I'm supposed to just resume business as usual, my head isn't on any of it. I have wrapped presents, put decorations up for my DCs, written cards, made meals, baked, and all I've wanted to do is curl up in a ball. This time of year is impossible. I have been avoiding Christmas songs, but then had to attend my dcs school events, our family visit to santa; it is just all too much.

I really want to enjoy my dcs because it isn't many years they believe in Santa, but the grief is there like a darkness weighing me down. I get angry I have to deal with this when I have young dcs. I even got angry with dh who was going on about his office festive events. I am such a Grinch and feel sick of myself.

Thank you for the quote, it is lovely!

OP posts:
Ratfinkstinkypink · 20/12/2023 20:02

I don't think it ever stops but your life will grow around it and it becomes more manageable. Anger is a very normal part of grief and something I can really relate to since DH died. Last Christmas was my first without DH and I certainly just went through the motions for the sake of everyone else but this year feels slightly better and this year instead of just going through the motions I feel I am doing Christmas for him because he can't he here to do it for himself.

You're right though, people do expect you to 'move on' and get to a point where it is business as usual. I suppose, in a way, that does happen but it's a new business and not the one you had before.

I just wanted to say that slowly, life does resume and there are more bright times in the day than dark times and the rawness does ease. Be kind to yourself, you are doing OK. Sending you peace and strength.

LaurieStrode · 20/12/2023 20:15

I'm so sorry for you. 💐💐💐

My dad died 20 years ago age 73, suddenly, and I was tormented as you are. Really shellshocked. The "gone forever" aspect haunted me. I cried every single night on the drive home from work. Basically became a husk.

Finally months later a family friend took me aside & said "your dad would be so unhappy to see you so miserable. He wants you to be happy, to enjoy life and savor everything. You can and will miss him, but don't let that overshadow everything. Life is for the living."

Trite but true. I am sure your dad knew you loved him and he wants you to be happy. He lives on, through you. It is horrible but you will be ok. Think how happy he would be to see you having a pleasant Christmas (if you observe it). Maybe it will be different but it's ok to enjoy it. He would like that.

LaurieStrode · 20/12/2023 20:17

Btw my dad died Dec 22 and mom five years later on Dec 13. They loved Christmas so I enjoy it in their honor.

The first year is the worst. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Mamma1982 · 20/12/2023 20:31

I am so sorry you lost your loving father.

I lost mine too after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He died just over a year later. He died 2 weeks after my 40th birthday, which was 20 months ago now.

It does get easier but it's so hard. Like you I concentrated on my DH, young children (two preschoolers and I found out I was pregnant with my third, 2 days before he passed away).

Bereavement Support helped me enormously. The bereavement journey is what I used and it really helped to understand my anger, hurt, frustration and chat with others who truly were going through the same thing.

It's true what they say...it wouldn't hurt so much if you hadn't have loved each other so deeply. You'll never forgot those final hugs xx

Ilikewinter · 20/12/2023 20:43

My DM passed away nearly 5 weeks ago, her funeral was 2 weeks ago and I honestly felt so much worse after the funeral. Like physically and emotionally broken. Yet it was as if people suddenly expected me to be 100% fine and have just 'moved on'. For me the funeral didnt have any closure, it just made me an emptional wreck. Anyway, im so sorry for your loss OP and im also just going through the motions and swing from crying to being angry and jealous of everyone talking about their family xmas plans. Just hang in there, its all we can do 💐

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