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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

friend just died.... can't get childcare for funeral and what can I say to her 6yo?

16 replies

Maenad · 15/03/2008 11:03

This is horrible. A close friend has killed herself leaving a 6yo behind. I want to be able to supportive but don't know the child at all as they live hundreds of miles away. What is the right way to speak to her at the funeral?

Also I have just discovered that I can't get anyone to look after my 3yo when I travel to the funeral. So dh and I will have to bring her with us I suppose. But I really feel it's inappropriate to bring her along to a funeral especially when she's at an age where she's wondering about death and big worries of that sort. Do you think the best thing would be for dh and I to take it in shifts to entertain her somewhere else and maybe one of us go to the actual funeral and one to the tea afterwards? I don't know what to do at all.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 15/03/2008 11:08

How absolutely awful I think there will be people at the funeral that are closer to her so will be taking care of her at the funeral so maybe speak to them and see how she is handling it all and if there is anything they need help with etc rather than approach her directly (just an idea, never been in this situation myself)

Can you use a childminder for the day? Have a look on childcare link

They may be able to have your dd for just one day.

DrNortherner · 15/03/2008 11:09

How sad

Personally I would not take a 3 year old to a funeral. You need to concentrate on your grief, not on dd.

If she was your friend, then you shuld go whilst dh does something with dd. Then you all go to teh wake.

chelsygirl · 15/03/2008 11:10

so sorry

whereabouts are you - you might get someone on here to help you out!

JingleyJen · 15/03/2008 11:11

where is the funeral? is there a MN'er near that would look after your little one for a couple of hours? If you are near me I will do it.

JingleyJen · 15/03/2008 11:12

I am in a village just outside Cambridge if that is any good to you.

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 15/03/2008 11:12

Yes, where is the funeral? If it's near me I could help, I have a 3yr old ds who loves having people over to play. I'm a teacher so I'm CRB checked and all that malarky.

Original poster

Maenad · 15/03/2008 11:15

You are lovely people. Sadly it is in Newcastle, so quite a long way away.

OP posts:

JingleyJen · 15/03/2008 11:19

there must be someone in that part of the country on MN???

paddingtonbear1 · 15/03/2008 11:19

I'm so sorry to hear this. I would do what Dr Northerner suggested, re your dd.

BrothelSprouts · 15/03/2008 11:19

I took my DS to a funeral when he was three.
It was fine, really.
I just took lots of books, toys and snacks, and we sat at the back.
He really wasn't negatively affected by it at all, and I found it helpful to have him around, as did lots of other people.

All I'm saying is, that if you really can't find childcare for the day, I'm sure it will be fine if you take your DD with you.

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 15/03/2008 11:20

Bugger. Nowhere near me, sorry and so sorry this has happened, what a tragedy for her family and friends and of course her child.

throckenholt · 15/03/2008 11:59

I would go to the funeral on my own with dh looking after dd somewhere, and then they come along to the tea afterwards - that way no danger of her getting loud and distracting at the actual funeral.

I am not sure there is much you can say to the daughter if you don't know her well - but maybe write a letter for her to read when she gets older. Talk about memories of her mum when she was happier. Talk about her mum being ill - and that is the only reason she would do something like that. There is probably nothing that will help her now - but if she knows you are there to talk to her when she wants to later that may be helpful to her.

Original poster

Maenad · 15/03/2008 22:05

Thanks everyone. I have decided to go alone while dh looks after dd. It's not ideal as dh and I were both friends with her before we were a couple, so he would have liked to be there. But he's going to go & find a way to say goodbye in a few weeks on his own, and see our friend's partner then too which I think would be a good thing.

OP posts:

Califanjo · 15/03/2008 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytowillow · 15/03/2008 22:30

I'm so sorry about your friend.

My husband and I went to a funeral on Friday and had to take our 7 month old as we haven't got childcare. I stood outside the church and went for a walk and then we all went to the gathering afterwards, no one batted an eyelid at a child being there.

Maybe your hubby could do what I did?

Original poster

Maenad · 17/03/2008 12:05

Yes - I've been excavating my chaotic photo collection and have got lots of pics of my friend at parties etc with her great big smile.

We've been told that our daughter would be welcome at the funeral but to be honest I'm too worried about how she might react to the idea that mummies can die. I'd rather not get into that with her if I can possibly avoid it as she tends to dwell on things and worry.

OP posts:

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