Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

My mother is dying

15 replies

cocopina · 17/12/2023 01:24

I'm struggling. I'm trying to get support from everywhere I can so that I don't burden any one person too much with it so I'm starting a thread here for help. I don't want to post too much identifying information but suffice it to say that she is an incredibly strong woman who has tried to shield all of us loved ones as long as she could by telling us the bare minimum but now I have to be strong for her and I'm struggling.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 17/12/2023 01:26

I'm so sorry. Where is she at the moment? Do you live near her?

💐

cocopina · 17/12/2023 01:31

She's at home and yes I live minutes away by taxi, I have a child at primary school or else I'd be there every minute god sends. She's planning to go into hospital when things get that bad. I'm just trying to take on her mantle because she's been so incredibly strong and I'm worried about how it'll affect my dad. Thank you so much for replying so quickly.

OP posts:
ItsAllSoBleak · 17/12/2023 09:49

@cocopina I'm so sorry to read your post. I have been where you are and it is a horrible and frightening place. All I can say is that you will get through this. I know you probably dont believe it. I never thought I would survive the loss of my mother but here I still am. I can't lie to you it is horrendous but people kept telling me after death it doesnt get better but it gets easier. In some ways it is true that the very very acute sharp pain of grief does recede a little but it is a shit time. I think what happens is that the shock that is necessary to protect your heart eases and turns very very slowly into acceptance. it is always still painful at least for me.

In terms of the position now, you dont say what your mother is dying from but from what you say about her shielding you and that she is planning to go into hospital I am assuming it is something like cancer or a disease that is progressing towards death. If that's right and she is still mentally well, then make sure you discuss with her what she wants to do and why.

most people would prefer to die at home in the comfort of their own bed and home and family around them. has she thought about this or is the plan to go into hospital to protect you/your father? there are pallative care options and support from GP/NHS and various charities to manage end of life at home.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/end-of-life-care/where-you-can-have-care/care-at-home/

Separately, but when you haveing a moment where you are feeling as strong as you are able to, I would advise having a google/ read of stuff about palliative care/end of life as it may help you to be prepared. when the end comes, you will want to be there all the time even more than you do now, so its probably worth exploring options for support and care for your child now so you have a plan in place. there are also threads on this forum about this. here are a couple but like I said I wouldn't read them unless you are having a comparatively 'good' day/feeling strong as it is distressing stuff but it will help you to be mentally prepared. I wish I'd known more in advance.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4634880-end-of-life-care-and-unresponsive

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderlyparents/4715131-potentially-upsetting-question-about-death

sitting by the bedside of someone who is dying is absolutely exhausting physically and emotionally - because you dont want to leave in case they are alone when they pass. however, it is absolutely essential that you sleep,eat and stay hydrated even if its the minimum. I hadn't realised how long that actual true 'end of life' stage can last after someone becomes unconscious and stops eating and drinking. it can be days or even weeks. It is apparently very common for people do die when relatives who have been by the bed for virtually 24 hours a day nip out to go to the loo - sometimes I've heard it said that its thought that people do this by choice to spare their relatives and want to die alone, of course it could be coincidence or a lack of stimulation in terms of touch, voices and so on - so if this happens dont beat yourself up and be aware that it is possible.

nhs.uk

Care at home

You may not need to move away from home to receive care, as end of life and hospice care can be provided at home. To find out what’s available locally, ask your GP.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/end-of-life-care/where-you-can-have-care/care-at-home

RobinsEggBlue · 17/12/2023 10:00

Hi @cocopina, I’m very sorry you are going through this. My dad died in October so I understand some of the uncertainty and sadness you are facing. You are your mother’s daughter so you will have some of the strength that she has to help you through. Don’t leave anything unsaid, even if talking about the big emotional stuff isn’t your normal relationship. I have no regrets as I told my dad all the things I wanted to tell him and we talked through some of the awful end of life things that my mum didn’t feel able to discuss with him. Sending you love and energy to get through this.

MrsTomHardy13 · 17/12/2023 19:30

I’m so sorry to read your post and that you are going through this with your Mum. All good advice that has already been given. You will get through it. You’re stronger than you realise. Cherish the time you have together. Remember to look after yourself. One day at a time xx

cocopina · 18/12/2023 17:44

@ItsAllSoBleak thank you for your reply. Yep it's cancer. The morphine is making her ramble a little but she's still mostly lucid. I'm going to have to ask her about funeral plans I suppose, I know she and my dad will both have insurance and that so I don't mean costs but I'd like to use the music she wants to etc (regarding music I doubt she would want anything at all though because my parents chose not to have any at my brother's funeral). Thank you for the links, it's been a particularly hard day so will have to read them when I'm a bit less fragile.

@RobinsEggBlue Thank you and I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I don't know if I really have anything unsaid that I would regret not having told her because we've written "Love you" at the end of every text and said it at the end of every phone call for years. I'm saying it to my dad all the time now whereas before he and I didn't really do emotions.

@MrsTomHardy13 Thank you. I'm definitely eating less than I should be but really trying to look after myself so that she doesn't worry about me, even before we found out it was quite so aggressive she asked me to please be strong for her. I think the one thing I'm having difficulty doing is letting anyone look after me, I keep trying to hold it in and that can't be healthy.

Thank you all so much for replying.

OP posts:
cocopina · 25/12/2023 02:00

I'm terrified. I'm bloody terrified. My dad's had two mini-strokes as well as it is. I keep it together when I see them but fuck it's hard. My brother took his own life when I was 19 as well so I keep thinking he should be here with me and he's not, I never felt angry at him for it like some do at suicidal folk but the other day I did feel like he'd left me and I've never ever felt like that before. Still not in an angry way, just felt like he's left me to do all this shit alone.

OP posts:
Wouldyouliketo · 25/12/2023 04:11

I'm so sorry. So sorry. I lost my mum 4 days ago and am still numb, terrified, panicking and crying endlessly. Estranged from siblings and no hubbie or children of own. So it's just me. Watching parents die is utterly terrifying. They are our protection, our cocoon, our rock, our roots. How can they die and leave us. I have started a sort of long letter to my mum which I am updating each date. Kind of like a conversation where I am talking to her just like I used to do. I think it is helping. It's probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me though. I am strictly focusing on one day at a time. Even phoned the samaritans for the first time the other night ever. Just felt in despair. Desperately waiting for the prozac to kick in.

Hugs, massive massive hugs. It is out of your hands really. All you can do is wait and keep breathing and try and help her in anyway you can. xxxxx

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 04:33

Massive hugs @cocopina

I don't know what to suggest, other than practical.

Is your mum under hospice care? It might be worth pushing GP for a referral. They can do so much to help and support emotionally, for the family too.

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 04:34

Massive hugs to you too @Wouldyouliketo

It never truly leaves us but it does get easier

Fleetheart · 25/12/2023 05:46

I’m so sorry you are going through this. it’s so hard to take everything on. but just do the best you can. my dad died earlier this year, the thing that helped me
was to keep reminding myself that this is the natural way of things; we all know it will happen to us and so the best you can do is be there.

having said that it is not an easy time.
sending you strength xx

Rocknrollstar · 25/12/2023 07:26

I am so sorry for your situation. My mother died 6 months ago and I wonder what support you and your mother are getting at home? My mother had carers three times a day, the GP came once a week, we had the District Nurse team on speed dial and towards the end, the palliative care team supplied a nurse to sit with her at night so we could sleep. AS someone else has said, people often die when they have been left alone. My dad did. I think he always felt he had to be strong for us so couldn’t die with us in the room. However, we had been warned that mum was about to die and my daughter and I were able to sit with her and hold her hands. It was extremely difficult time for us but probably the best thing we have ever done in our lives. I wish you well.

cocopina · 26/12/2023 00:45

Thank you all so so much for replying. Don't think I have the strength to reply to questions about her care etc but I will tomorrow, just thank you so much for replying. I'm so sorry that so many of you are going through similar or grieving yourselves just now. Thank you all again.

OP posts:
cocopina · 26/12/2023 00:53

@Wouldyouliketo would it be alright to send you a wee supportive PM? It's not proper forum etiquette to send one before asking if it's okay first so thought I should ask first.
Thank you again so much to everyone who's replied.

OP posts:
RobinsEggBlue · 26/12/2023 22:29

@cocopina really sorry that everything is so hard for you with your dad too and you are having to do it on your own. It is scary, it is horrible. But you will get through it somehow. Be very, very kind to yourself. One of the bereavement leaflets I read said to look after yourself as you would someone you love, which I think is good advice when you are caring for others too

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread