Second Christmas After Losing Mother Is Even Worse. Anyone else feeling this?

[ItsAllSoBleak]

Ive heard that the second year after a bereavement can be worse than the first. Events during the first year seem disguised by shock I think. I mean it was horrendous but in a different way.

This year seems much worse and more stabbingly paingful. My user name was chosen last year but it now seems so much bleaker. Recently I had been feeling less raw about it all and felt Id made grief progress but the approach of Christmas makes me feel like I was fooling myself.

I think it is because now the fact that THIS IS IT forever is really starting to sink in and be absorbed properly whereas last year it was still coming to terms with it.

Im absolutely dreading it. Ive become a carer myself and before we could manage but now we need a carer so there will have to be strangers in the home on Christmas day for the first time.

When I think of the lovely family Christmases we always had with my mum, it brings me to tears that it is over for ever. It's a searing pain. Now so many people who were part of that are dead grandparents etc. It will just be me and my father and strangers to help. I dont want strangers in the home. I want it to be back as it was with my lovey mother and father.

I know its just one day but it really feels like the end of happiness really. I am terrified and scared that this will be my fathers last Christmas touchwood so as bad as it will be it could be my last Christmas with anyone. Im single with no children or brothers or sisters. The future looks pretty awful to me but really right now I just miss my mum so SO much.

I know there must be others in the same position from the thread I was on last year - not sure if you are still posting but tagging you in case you are feeling the same? @JBT27 @againstmachine @ady1

@Carol52

The lose of my mum was horrendous but still having my dad meant I focused on him. I cared for my dad full time a lot of those 20 years through many illnesses and operations. when he died at Christmas 2 years ago .
I'm so sorry for your loss especially for your dad - 2 years is so recent. I know how tough caring is and I identify totally with what you say about focussing on your father. I am the same.

My world feel apart and the feeling of being alone is dreadful. No one can explain you are on your own and have no one for advice or in unconditional love my parents were the best. what you are describing Is normal

This is what I am so scared of. That feeling of being alone and it being forever. I don't want any of this. I want to go back in the past. It doesn't help me knowing it is normal becuase first is so horrifically bleak and frightening to me as a future and second because I think most people have other stuff in their lives husband wife partner children cousins close friends. in my case no one else loves me at all actually anymore and once my father goes it will be zero. its a horribly lonely fear.

but I do think you also need to talk to someone eithe bereavement counselling or a doctor.

I have had bereavement counselling for an extended period and it did help coping with my mothers death but Christmas has reactivated and turbo boosted the grief.

You still have your dad and you are so lucky . The times you have left together need to be of good memories and treasure them. You do not want it to be weighted down with your grief for your mum. I know it’s so hard.

I know that I lucky he is still here and that he still knows and recognises me but caring for someone with dementia is hard to fill with good memories as there is so much loss of who they were every day in front of you. We do have some good times but its all pretty bleak.

the future is really only more loss, death and for me ultimately, aloneness.

@popularinthe80s

For a start, you have connected with other people here. You've helped me feel less alone. Did you realise that you have the power to do that? It's important.

Thank you for this. It is a lovely and kind thing to say and honestly no it hadn't occurred to me.

I sometimes post advice/responses under different user names in the bereaved section in the hope it will help others but I never realised that a thread of my own asking for help and support for me could do that.

Thank you.

I do feel for everyone on this thread.

I lost my DH to cancer in 2019 and my beloved MIL in 2021. (I'm not close to my own mother). I can't believe this will already be the fifth Christmas without DH. How can that possibly be?

My DDs are amazing (now 19 and 17) but increasingly living their own lives. I work and do hobbies and have a nice house in a lovely area but sometimes it's just so lonely.

I've had a bad week, been run down with a chest infection I'm just getting over and went to get the Christmas tree to what used to be a favourite garden centre of my MIL. She practically lived in the café at that place. I was sitting in the café having a cup of tea by myself and just got suddenly overwhelmed by the memories of all the Christmases we would be there together looking at all the garden centre Christmas stuff, MIL, DH, me, other family members/friends and DDs when they were younger and full of Christmas excitement. Now it's just me and it really got me down, took the Christmas tree home and have spent a few days feeling really really down and pretending not to when with DDs. I'd rather they were having fun with their friends than hanging around moping but... Tomorrow's the day for taking the Christmas wreath to the graveyard so that won't exactly cheer me up.

Lots of love to everyone on this thread feeling loss and loneliness. Please know that I am thinking of you. ❤️

@ItsAllSoBleak I absolutely meant it xx

I'm facing my 3rd Christmas without my mum (how is that so).
I definitely felt worse last year than the first year. As someone said shock carried me through the first year. The second year was a feeling of starting to sink in.
I'm still sad this year, added to the fact this is the first year without my Nan.
I've no advice, but just wanted you to know you're not alone

My sincere sympathies to all the posters who've experienced this.

OP, it might be worth talking to your GP.

For me, the first year was almost unbearable but the second got easier. It took about three years able to think of her with happiness and love, not just pain. It's a tough road.

Warmest love to everyone on this thread.

thanks everyone @Munchies123 it does help knowing I'm not alone actually. not sure why but it does. I'm sorry for the losses of everyone posting here - it is a tough time I think

@LenaLamont

It took about three years able to think of her with happiness and love, not just pain. It's a tough road.

thank you for this. perhaps a glimmer of hope. I'm hoping that Im not dealing with more bereavement by next Christmas - please Lord.

Be very gentle with yourself, @ItsAllSoBleak .

I do hope we all have a safe and happy Christmas . It is so difficult when you have had bereavement things are never the same I know . But the loved ones that have passed would not want us to miserable life is to short. God bless

thank you to everyone who has posted here and likewise I wish everyone a peaceful and safe day tomorrow.

Massive hugs to you. My mum died 4 days ago and my dad is already gone. I am totally alone in the world too. Was carer for mum and ended up quite isolated so no friends. No partner or children. Estranged from siblings. So if I have done nothing else I have let you know there is one more person on the planet completely alone.
I do have a dog.

I had to phone the samaritans the other night as I was in despair and panicking at not being able to see my mum or talk to her again.

I have started a sort of ongoing letter conversation with my mum. Just chatting away about everything much like we would have done if she was here. I think it is helping. I will keep doing it as I feel like I can still speak to her there.

I am waiting for the prozac to kick in.

I have managed to write some goals for the future which include volunteering to try to meet some people. I find putting myself out there just so difficult now but I can't be this isolated now my mum is gone.

Losing your parents is awful but like you say most people on here say how great their husband is being or that they are being brave for their children. When you don't have that .....your own family 'the younger family' it is absolutely terrifying.

I did google the easiest way to die the other day. I was thinking if I just could not bear it I might just stop eating and drinking but it seems you need assistance to do this and heck I don't have anyone to help. Plus I couldn't leave my precious wee dog alone.

I have no answers for you but just knowing there is 'another you' out there just as terrified, lonely, depressed and panicking. Maybe even that knowledge will make you feel a little less alone.

I'm completely ignoring christmas. I'm awake at night and sleeping during the day so when I wake tomorrow it will all be over.

Hugs to you xxxxx

P.S. and yes dementia is like losing them in stages which is very upsetting and frustrating and terrifying all rolled into one.

@Wouldyouliketo thank you so much for posting. You're right; you're alone but you're not the only one. I hope that posting here has opened up for you the possibility of connection. You write very clearly; you're obviously a good communicator. It will hurt for a very long time but other possibilities for connection will emerge. We are rooting for you and everyone on this board x

I have been thinking of you today and hope it wasn't too difficult x

l share your grief as well, My heart goes out to you , l am sorry for your loss, pain , sadness, sorrow and suffering . Read my thread post created on Xmas day, l have words of comfort for you. May God bless your soul, merry Xmas, happy boxing day and a happy new year.

OP, don't beat yourself up over your life choices. They are not 'your fault', Instead of caring for your Dad, you could have shoved him in a home and just left him to it, but you didn't. You sound like a lovely person. Please see your GP and get help with your depression. It might also help to seek counselling . You have had so much to bear over the past couple of years. I have lost both parents and my only sibling so I know how hard Christmas can be. As PPs have wisely suggested, please make some time for you in the New Year, take advantage of having a carer and try some new hobbies to start building a life for yourself ready for your future. Sending you hugs.

Today marks the second anniversary of when Mum was first ill. Christmas Day 2021. She died in May 2022, so it's our second Christmas too. It didn't seem worse than last year. About the same.

The kids (now adults) always buy my Dad a calender with photos on. I.noticed him sat with the months her photos are on a lot today.

@ItsAllSoBleak i lost my mum the week before Xmas last year. All very suddenly. Last Christmas was rubbish, we only celebrated as my niece still needed Santa to come. My dad was crying all the way through

this year I was apprehensive. But we all realised my mum put such high expectations on Christmas which never lived up. This year was sad but more relaxed. My dad and I ate a massive box of chocolates. He was in his element cooking and entertaining us. It was much more relaxed.

we missed her and wished she was here but trying to change the narrative.

Second Christmas without my mother.

Yes, it was harder.

Powered through the first. But, this year, decided to give myself a break.

Did much less. Some cards. String of lights on tree, but no ornaments.

Talked to her.

Lit a candle in her memory.

Sending love to you, OP, and everyone else going through this.

I was just checking back into say that in fact Christmas Day itself wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be. I am still here and there were parts of it that were actually very nice.

What I really wanted to say - both to a future me if I am still here and anyone else facing this in future - that the big lesson for me is that the Christmas period build up is actually the problem not the day itself - or at least it was this year. Christmas Day itself wasn't actually as awful as I expected.

That could be because I was (see my posts on this thread) really REALLY down and dreading it so by comparison it seemed fine. It maybe my fears and depression served a mental purpose by fearing it would be so so bad and in fact it not being so so bad. Ultimately, its only one day - just 24 hours. The problem is the run up with Christmas happy family stuff rubbed in your face where ever you go.

I know for many people who have young children it won't be an option but I think next year I will make a conscious effort to avoid interacting with Christmas "stuff" as much as I can. So will try to do online shopping to avoid stores and shopping centres, avoid places that play Christmas music 24/7, steer clear of socialising (endless "what are you doing for Christmas"questions with the "going to my mother's" answers from others). I'm going to give it a try if I feel the same last year and see if it makes a difference. I know some of you will say avoiding parties/socialising is a bad idea but I'm going to try I think. I definitely think it was all this * social aura * in the build up that was the problem.

If something happens, so that I am completely alone next Christmas, I think I will either just hunker down at home and do nothing or go on holiday somewhere sunny and non-Christian so there is zero Christmas stuff.

Hope everyone else is doing ok and survived the awfulness of this time of year for the bereaved.

Hi just checking how you got on over Christmas and new year.

@Carol52 thank you for asking - my post immediately above yours answers your question. Still here and it wasn't as bad as I'd feared but some lessons learned for me.