Losing mum and the guilt never goes away

[HappyHamsters]

How do you get through the guilt and sadness, it's been six months since my dear mum died in a carehome, she was only there 4 months and was supposed to be a few weeks respite but she caught covid and had several falls. She never really settled, all I keep seeing is her in bed, , both of us knowing she would never go home. She was in her 80s and always had such a happy and independent life.She jollied herself along, made the best of it but just gave up. She never wanted this and I should have insisted she didn't need respite but the family insisted it was better while they decorated . I've just let her down.

@HappyHamsters

I think the thing is that we all like to feel we are in control but in fact we are not. Unfortunately we will all die and if that is scheduled to happen it will happen and you cant control things to stop it. Steps taken one way may lead to a different route, but the final destination sadly is the same.

Was your mother mentally well when she went into a carehome? If she was and didnt have dementia, then as an adult she was in a position to object and refuse to go. If she didn't then, its obviously not your fault because on some level she consented.

If she didn't, you don't know that she wouldnt have had falls or caught Covid if she'd been at home anyway. Or something worse may have happened.

If you think you are suffering residual trauma from her death and the guilt is really plaguing you, then may look at getting some therapy or mental health support? If you are feeling guilty nothing anyone can say about it being misplaced will help you because it isnt something a few kind words can change - you will need to get to grips with it fundamentally so you can start to feel better.

Please dont beat yourself up though. You cant control the universe unfortunately.