Really struggling after 2 deaths in 4 months, how do you keep going?

[MerryMidwinter]

I lost a parent in the Autumn and another close relative has just died, both following long illnesses. Most of the year has been filled with hospital appointments, worry, waiting and sadness. I’ve had to cancel numerous things and deal with sorting out my parent’s affairs - I dont feel I’ve had time to grieve for them properly.

In addition my partner recently had major surgery so I’m running around after them and missing the practical and emotional support they’d normally give me.

I feel absolutely on my knees and so desperate for a break, I’ve taken very little time off work as I thought I was better keeping going, I was counting on the extended Xmas period for some proper downtime but my relative’s funeral has now been booked for that time so even that won’t happen.

I don’t know what to do, I want to pay my respects to my lovely relative and support my other family members but it’s all too much, I just want to hide away and cry. Obviously that’s not possible but all the tips about taking it easy and being kind to yourself go out of the window when there just isn’t the time to do them 🙁

Any advice please?

Take time off work.

You've had a really terrible year, and you need to take a few days to just let it all wash over you. You don't have to do anything - just sit and have a good cry, take a nap or two, go for a walk and bring a box of tissues with you.

So sorry for your losses, and wishing your partner a full and speedy recovery.

Sorry to hear you’ve been through such a sad and difficult time. You sound emotionally and physically exhausted and this is perfectly understandable.
Would you consider taking some time off work, either annual leave, or if necessary, sick leave? Sounds like you need some space to begin to process all this and it’s not going to happen as you’d hoped with the funeral being over the Christmas period.

Totally agree with pp. You really really need to take some time off work.

I lost a parent a month ago. I've subsequently been unwell with ear and then chest infections and now Covid and have been off work bar four days when I went back in in the middle which wiped me out. The body keeps score. You need to test as much as you can and process whats happened. I would take some time off if you can.
The time of year doesn't help with bereavement either.
Lots of love to you x

'Rest not test

I've been where you are and it's so so hard. One thing I have learned about myself is I tend to feel things are my responsibility or find I'm helping when there are others who could or should help. I think you do need to prioritise and see if there are others who could help you instead of you always trying to help others if you feel that is the case. Ask yourself if the things you are stressing about really need to be done immediately or could some things be put off until the new year.
Does your husband have any family who could come for a day to allow you to have a break?

I have to say I tend to comfort eat at these times. I do put on a bit of weight but lose it again once the stress is over. For me a break between work and home or home and hospital for just 10 minutes in the car with a takeaway coffee and a bun is the tiny break I need to keep going.
That's just how I coped. Alternatively 10 min watching videos on you tube or part of a series is just a little break from the stress to restart you brain. Try not to be too hard on yourself. 4 months is still such a short time on from the loss of a parent.

Thank you, I’d love to take some time off work but I’m scared of stopping and how it will make me feel - does that make sense?

You need to face it all. Distracting yourself with work will only work up to a point. After that, the weight of it will crush you one way or another.

Take a few days. Sit with your grief and emotional exhaustion. Give yourself a date after which you will start to feel restored and will make an effort to put it all behind you. You could choose 'February 1st', for instance. Until then, let yourself cry and take it easy.

I lost two close family members one year, and decided in my mind that the start of the new year would be my date to will myself onwards. I had my moments, and still do, but it became easier over time.

Or, you could take 30 mins every day, sit down, journal, draw, go for a walk, whatever appeals and just allow this as a window to express whatever is coming up. Boundary the time so it stays at 30 mins if you are so short on time, but be vigorous about sticking to your boundary of honouring it every day. You have been through a lot, and you need to allow space and time, and if you won't give yourself the time now your body will most probably demand it in some way or another, as it does take such a toll. Take care of yourself