Dad’s passing and unpleasant discovery

[Ella19902]

My father passed away a few weeks ago from cancer and we’ve just had his funeral. It’s been really hard but in sorting stuff out, my mum has found out he had been having an affair for the past 5 years. Raunchy emails, letters and cards have been found along with photos of her and her children (similar age to me it appears) and it is very difficult, she said she suspected something a while ago & confronted him but he denied it which has obviously proven to be a lie.
Im not overly suprised as he had a lot of secrets but it is still very sad and disappointing. And I feel I now have loads of questions about this other life he was leading. My mum is so angry so I am leaving things but I really feel like I want to reach out to her… I was much closer to my dad than my mum and other siblings and I’m feeling a bit lost.
At some point I feel like I want to make contact with this other woman to make sense of things but worried this will make things worse. Has any one else been through something similar & can shed any advice? I just feel very confused and lost right now

So sorry, I haven't been through similar, but perhaps you could get in touch with a bereavement charity like Cruse who will almost certainly have experience in this kind of thing.

Oh dear, oh dear. These things do seem to come to light after death. My cousins (in their 50s) found out they had a half-sister a decade younger than them after their father died. We always wondered if their father wanted them to know he made no effort to remove all trace of her existence in his final months, i.e. remove emails, paperwork, and photos, birth certificate. I wonder if your father was deliberately lax as well, and he wanted his family to know? Cruel as it sounds, he had plenty of time to prepare and remove 'evidence'. He chose not to. I'm sad you are having to deal with this at an already difficult time

I understand why you want to know more but it will create the problem of whether to tell your sibling and mum and how to deal with the burden of keeping things secret if you decide to say nothing. Plus if you contact the woman and don’t say anything then your sibling contacts her at a later date and finds out that you knew details then it could create problems there too.

As a person who found out their spouse was having an affair, it takes time for feelings to settle. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions even though I had the “luxury” of confronting the cheater.

I am sorry that you and the rest of the family are going through this turmoil. 💐

I'd leave it. He was having an affair - what more details do you need to know? Is she married? Let it go.

It must be hard for you, but harder for your Mum. I'd leave well alone if my Mum wanted it left alone. If you contact this OW she could contact your Mum and it wouldn't be fair to your Mum. She has already been betrayed by her DH. Let her know you support her.

I'd be very concerned about your mother. She may need professional help in dealing with this.

What is your desired outcome? Would you be contacting the other woman for closure for you, curiosity, or some other reason? Does the other woman even know your dad has died?

There are all sorts of complications here, along with the distinct possibility that you won't get the closure / answers / whatever that you are looking for. You may do, but you may not and you have to be prepared for that if you take this route.

It may bring a whole load more questions. Think it through and go with your gut.

Why didn't he remove the evidence of his affair when presumably he knew his cancer was terminal? That's a cruel blow for your poor DM when she's grieving the loss of her DH. I'd leave the ball firmly in your DMs court as to whether she contacts the other woman. If you get involved it could backfire. Just support her the best you can whatever she decides to do.

When I sorted my dads estate, my Dh and I uncovered an affair, we did the ‘British thing’ and hid it. I cancelled the direct debit and wrote a bland letter to the person, I did receive a letter back and I never regretted not opening it.
Mum was aware that dad had ‘something’ going on, but not the who, what, where and when - she didn’t need then or later on anymore distress caused by someone else.

It’s not my place to say what you should do, but maybe take some time and think about what the outcome of any action might be and if that’s what you want?

This is so weird as he didn't die suddenly , he must have knew you would all find out . That alone is something you have to deal with before making any movement .