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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Why do I feel like this …numb

8 replies

blackheartsgirl · 04/12/2023 18:17

i lost my mum on the 22nd November so nearly 2 weeks ago. She had cancer, was nearing the end but still had a few weeks left or so we thought, she was found dead on the floor one morning by me and my stepdad and that is a sight that will never leave me, police and the coroner were involved,

I lost dh to cancer 2 years ago and I don’t think I really processed that,

then last week, a few days after Dm died my son and his gf had a little boy, who has significant health issues and I have been supporting them as much as I can whilst burying my own feelings and grief and carrying on being normal, laughing and joking, being practical, shoulder to cry on for everyone else. My stepdad lost his sister 6 months before my mum and he’s obviously distraught.

my dd 13 behaviour at school has deteriorated again to the point where I am having emails home about her and well this was just the icing on the cake, went to see my mum at the chapel if rest earlier, sat in the car after and just felt so so angry at everything and cried for the first time since my mum died.

i am shattered, and numb and a complete failure. I have no support either, no one to turn too,

OP posts:

Aria999 · 04/12/2023 18:29

So sorry to hear you are having an awful time.

You're not a failure. A person can only cope with so much! When I lost my mum, DH was my rock. I can't imagine having to go through that without him.

It might be worth having a meeting with the school (without DD). Explain that the family is going through a hard time, dd has just lost her grandmother as well as your DH last year, you really want to support them with DD behavior, and see if you can mutually agree some changes that might support DD and help her engage with school better.

Try leaning on some of the people in your life (your stepdad, your son) at least a bit. They may have their own problems but that doesn't mean they don't care about how you feel. Maybe try to find a bereavement support group if you haven't already.

Allow yourself to feel awful and to be pathetic. It's perfectly reasonable not to be strong and productive right now.

Try and have some self care time, whatever that is for you. It doesn't have to be expensive or complicated. (For me it's often spending too much time on mumsnet or hiding in bed with an audiobook and a black coffee).

Xxx

Knackeredhamster · 11/12/2023 06:53

Op you're not a failure.

You're not alone I just wanted to reach out as I lost my mum recently.

Just a big hug from me xxx

Yesididntdothat · 11/12/2023 06:56

See your GP. You are going through an awful lot, you need some support. There might be a mental health drop in where you live, or something similar. You can't carry on without some space to process your own feelings.
im very sorry for your loss.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 12/12/2023 10:05

Thank you all. I phoned the duty team at the hospital as I’m still under them, I have untreated adhd (have a heart condition so unable to take meds) and they said that this is contributing to everything too, I’m just waiting for an emergency appointment now.

i feel no better, all i want to do is lie in bed and sleep, my girls have existed on supernoodles And takeaways.

i did wash up this morning and i did take the girls to school but im back in bed now, i have the funeral on Friday and im dreading it

OP posts:

Knackeredhamster · 12/12/2023 10:13

You've done well and I truly mean that.
You've managed to push yourself up and out.
Plus you're reaching out on here.

Sleep and rest now while you can.

Xxx

Yesididntdothat · 12/12/2023 10:21

You need to be in a holding pattern just now. A month of super noodles and extra telly won't cause lasting harm. Getting them to school is important so well done with that. Agree with pp that rest is essential to help you cope.

Izzy24 · 12/12/2023 10:24

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m not surprised that you feel numb. I wish I had useful wisdom to impart but I just wanted to say that a random on the net hears you 🪷🪷🪷

ItsAllSoBleak · 19/12/2023 18:27

You are not a failure, You have had a horrific time that it would be abnormal if you didn't have an extreme reaction to.

I can answer the question of why you feel numb. It is a basic biological function. You are in pscyhological shock. It is part of why they say that a phase of grief is denial and bargaining because no one wants to accept it. It's just too much to deal with emotionally.

so to help you get along and survive, you go into shock as self protection and numbness is just an aspect of this. It will pass.

If you think you never dealt with your DHs death, I would really recommend grief counselling. you probably need to wait for a few months because your mothers death is so recent but once you are up to it, strongly recommend. I honestly thought it would be pointless but it really helped me.

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