Struggling with Christmas after bereavement

[ChorizoDog]

My partner died in the summer. I’m finding Christmas approaching is just making me a wreck.

I’m trying to do all the Christmassy family things (not my DCs dad) that we usually do. I feel like everyone else has moved on with their lives and I’m just stuck in some kind of limbo.

I’m really struggling at work, feel so lost, like I have no purpose there. I’m considering asking the doctor to be signed off til after Christmas as I’m just not coping. There is a lunch which I don't see how I can get out of as it's in work time. I don't want to be a part of it.

Sitting here with my DD watching Christmas films, silently crying. I just don't know how much more I can take of feeling like this.

Please seek support- cruse or gp. It’s so hard.

I am so sorry OP, it must be so difficult for you, with it being the first Christmas as well.
My Dad passed away 4 weeks ago and I am struggling to get into the festive spirit, I am pretending most of the time.
Maybe some time off will do you good, sometimes you just have to listen to what you need and if you need to hibernate and grieve for a while maybe you should.
Again I am sorry.

I lost two people in December who really mattered, one on Christmas Day. You just feel the feelings, one day at a time. This period will pass, and in a few months it will be a little easier, and then a little easier again. And then you’ll hopefully think that he would have liked you to be happy, and you will try to be happy for him too. And I would expect your colleagues to understand why you are not participating in the Xmas lunch. And if you need help, whatever type you need, you ask for it.

It’s true that everyone else keeps on going, but you kept on going when their world stopped. It’s life.

My condolences. Death is really shit and there’s nothing we can do about it.

I know he'd want me to be happy. I can't just be happy though. Just keep thinking about this time last year and how happy we were and what an amazing Christmas we had. Memories pop up on Facebook and my phone and they both make me smile and break my heart.

I don't want to be here without him and if I didn't have children, I already wouldn't be, but I’m not that selfish.

I did feel like I was coping better than at first, but honestly feel like I've gone backwards. I just keep crying. I don't know how to stop.

Cry and let it all out. This is a difficult time of the year and I’d be feeling the same as you just wanting it all to go away. Just do what you feel like doing. Take it easy x

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Have you had any time off work to grieve?
It’s still so soon, you ‘ve done amazingly well going in to work at all.
It’s Ok to tell your colleagues that you won’t be attending the Christmas lunch as you are not up to it given your recent bereavement.
It’s also OK to ask your GO to sign you off work for a while, but just make sure that you will get paid, or can afford not to be paid. In a public sector job you’d be paid, but not necessarily so in a private firm.

Some advice I was given is not to feel pressured into doing Christmas as you normally would.

I'm feeling the same and keeping up appearances for my child but my counsellor said it's okay not to mask every feeling and pretend it's all okay when it's not and people even children will understand if things are a little different this year.

I am so sorry you have lost your lovely DP. It’s very early days and it’s perfectly normal for you to be grieving and feeling all over the place.

You absolutely should go to see your GP and get signed off, and find out what grief counselling you can access. Be honest with the GP about how you are feeling as you have been on here.

Do you have any real life support?

I understand completely, right down to only being here because I have (adult) kids, they weren't DH's either but they are my reason for still being here. This is my second Christmas without him and I am finding it hard, Christmas brings back memories of how sick he was when he came home in Dec 21. Cry, let it out but also speak to your GP and get signed off, it is not unusual for the grief to really hit a few weeks/months down the line.

Sending you love

Hi OP.

I'm not in your situation but I can relate. My ex partner suffered a severe brain injury in 2017 when our DD was 2. We were only 27 at the time and had the best life ever. I have come to terms with the fact that the man I knew and loved died in hospital and who came back from the coma was a different person.

I can remember the first Christmas without him (he was still in a coma). My body used to physically shake when I saw photos from previous years/triggering memories came up. I remember taking DD to see Santa and her asking if Daddy was coming and feeling so desperately lonely/in shock/traumatised and just being in disbelief that it had happened.

I can tell you, that 5 years on, I am happy again. I have changed as a person and what's interesting is that he will never leave me. I think of him everyday even though I have a new partner. I don't actually want to stop thinking about him and my partner understands this too- he walks alongside us and DD. I miss him a lot, he didn't deserve what happened and neither did I. Neither do you and neither did your partner.

What I'm saying is, you're not alone in your pain, even though right now you are so incredibly lonely. Please believe that one day, things will be ok again. Right now they're not, but they will be ❤️.

I’m going to speak to the GP tomorrow. My work literally rearranged the Christmas thing so I could go. I feel so much pressure to take part and be happy.

I've not stopped crying this weekend. Took my DD to the cinema yesterday and luckily had 3d glasses and her friend so she was distracted, as I sat there the whole time crying. I just can't stop.

I do have support in real life, but I feel like such a burden. I honestly think people expect me to be over it by now and I don't want to keep bringing him up. Just had a really nice chat with his mum though.

I think I can access some kind of counselling through work. I’m going to look into that tomorrow.

Thanks for your replies, it really does mean a lot.

Op I am sending u my best wishes. Losing someone early is devastating and disorientating. I felt like I had lost my footing. You could ask for some counseling via your doctor. I read something that said grief is like a wave, sometimes it feels like a ripple and other times it comes crashing into u. It is very early on in your grief journey. Look after yourself. As for the work meal tell people u r not going. Stay at work . They should respect your wishes.

I'm so sorry for your loss and thinking of you facing your first Christmas without your partner.
My DH died several years ago, my DC were 6 and 10. Everything felt surreal and strange and there seemed to be an expectation to carry on as usual.
I booked a holiday leaving on New Year's Eve. I managed to get through Christmas knowing I was escaping straight after.
Now, 7 years on, Christmas brings a mix of memories and emotions. But that first Christmas was raw pain.
Be kind to yourself. Cry, sleep, cancel plans, do whatever you need in the moment to cope.
Looking back I'm angry that people put me in situations that were just too much for me. Put yourself first.

Your feelings are totally normal. Please seek some help, from eg Cruse. Sending you 💐