TW baby loss. Nowhere to share

[Missingmybabysomuch]

8 years ago today I lost a beautiful baby girl. She was sadly stillborn and a post mortem later confirmed she had Edwards syndrome. But she was so perfect. So tiny and so perfect. Each year the grief changes. Never going but just adapting as our lives continue to grow around the loss. I lost 2 babies prior to losing her as well, one at 14 weeks and one at 16 weeks.

Since then I have gone on to have 2 more girls who are thriving. Our eldest DD is 7 and we never thought we would do it again (high risk pregnancies) but in the end we decided to go for it and now also have a gorgeous 6 month old DD.

Our eldest is the most amazing big sister. So caring and kind and thoughtful. She has astounded us with how well she has adapted and honestly she is just amazing.

But today I'm still hurting. And I can't help but wonder what our stillborn daughter would have been like as a big sister? Would she have adored her little sister as much as my DD7 adores hers? How would DD7s life be different if she was the little sister rather than the big? Obviously none of this is particularly deep as I adore what I have now and am so utterly grateful for my girls. More just a pondering really. I think each year that goes past I start to worry more and more about our stillborn daughter being forgotten and that breaks my heart all over again 💔 I'm not really expecting a reply to any of this rambling. I just have noone in real life to share with. Thankyou for reading if you did x

Hello,
So sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl 😞

I’m here and wonder the same. Dd was born 6 years ago today and died a year later. I often wonder what it would be like to have a 6 year old. Sending you lots of love, anniversaries are so tough.

Solidarity. My DD2 would have been 10 this year. I miss her. She died at birth. DD 3 is wonderful as is DD1 but there will always be a gap. We have DD2’s hand and foot prints framed in the hallway and she’s part of our lives. But still. It hurts x

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our first baby in 2015. When my youngest was born, and we all cuddled up on the sofa for the first picture after she came home from the hospital, I wanted to cry at the empty seat where my oldest DD should have been.
Losing babies is really hard. There's so much tangled up in it. All your hopes and dreams for them, the bonding you did while they were in your tummy, the fact no one really talks about the loss so you're left feeling like it's just you.
💐

So sorry for your loss. Your post brought tears to my eyes, your little girl was clearly so well loved. Sending hugs

I'm sorry for your loss. Would you like to share your DD's name?

I lost three before DD. I feel I going grief as well. I can't share it with anyone in RL but every day I think of them, they'll always be a part of me.

Your feelings are valid.

I'm so sorry for your losses OP. You speak about all your children so beautifully. They all sound lovely and are clearly all so loved by you. I'm so sorry that you aren't able to cherish them all in one place together, life is so unfair.

Sending so much love to you

You've articulated this so much better than I did. It hurts. The gap hurts. I'm also struggling with guilt. I always imagined having 2 children and so when we lost Grace and then had my DD7, it was like we'd had our 2 children. I never felt my eldest replaced Grace, just that we had one living child and one not. Now with the baby here I find myself loving having her here and seeing the beautiful bond developing between the 2 of them but then immense, overwhelming guilt that I've got my longed for "2 children" without Grace and that somehow she's being replaced. I know that isn't the case at all, but strangely I feel her absence more now that I have 2 living children than I ever have.

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I'm so sorry for all your losses too. It makes me feel grateful to have others who understand but so desperately sad that your little ones couldn't stay either. It really is the club no-one wants to be part of.