I posted here when my DP died in January 2022 and was very grateful for the support.
I'm posting now because I am now absolutely falling apart and destroying my life.
I am on week 5 or is it 6 of counselling via Steps to Well-Being - I've been allowed 8 sessions over the usual 6 as I'm particularly problematic.
I lost my Mum, also to cancer in 2020, nursing her through her last month in my home during lickdown.
My DP also had cancer but it wasn't discovered till the post mortem - initially he collapsed with brain bleeds. He took 3 weeks to die.
He was incredibly well known and loved in the community. I got through somehow - huge funeral, piece in the local rag etc . I had alot of support initially but naturally people have lives, so I do have a few close friends but they also have stuff going on and I hate to be a burden.
I feel like a needy attention seeker. My business has tanked.
I have to move house and I'm about ten grand in debt I've taken all practical steps I can.
I have a problematic relationship with alcohol. If I go out and drink I get black out drunk. Only once every couple of months but I'm a total liability.
Alot of things from my past have been brought up by the counselling. Like fighting SS for 18 months to prevent my DS (now 29) from being adopted due to a medically controversial diagnosis of abuse. Like being sectioned after my ExH doped me without my knowledge when I was on anti-depressants.
My son who is great and lives with me says I have a persecution complex.
I do feel as if I deserve to be punished.
I want to wind up my life here and move somewhere where I'm completely anonymous. Suicide is not an option, but I think the passive thing is a factor.
I am in the process of losing absolutely everything and a perverse bit of me wants to to just watch it all born. Not allowed nice things.
WTF is wrong with me?
I am so lonely, but even my memories of DP don't feel like my own.
I'm pathetic..