Years down the line - where is she?

[SqueakEasy]

My beautiful sister died, by suicide, when she was 28. I can't express how much I loved/love her. It was quite a while - 7 years - ago now.

At the time, I had young children, and have always had a full-on job. I went back to work after less than a week (although I have little recollection of what I did, and even now, I find bonkers mistakes that I made in the months and years after she died. I had this really strong feeling I had to carry on and keep things as normal as possible for the kids (who also loved her), and by and large I did.

And now, suddenly, I feel like I'm being hit by waves and waves of this incredible sadness. My kids as teenagers are reminding me of her, which delights and devastates me in equal measure. My parents are getting old, and watching the weight of the grief on them is excruciating. I hate that I can't make them feel any better, and also feel robbed of them. The idea of them ever dying floors me completely, because I can't stand how much sadness they've had to bear and once they go, there's no chance of turning things around for them. Which of course is a silly way of thinking anyway, because how on earth could I ever turn this around? I really need to see my sister again, and I can't believe that it's not possible.

I just don't know where to put this. I don't want grief counselling - for some reason, the idea of it makes me feel absolutely livid. But how have I got through 7 years only for this to happen?

Thanks for reading.

At the risk of sounding trite grief is not linear .It hits at different times and can feel violent in its intensity. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Be kind to yourself and try not to fight it as its a futile excercise. Please take the grief counselling. It's really can help. We spend a lot of time protecting our loved ones by not talking about our pain incase it makes them sad. A grief counsellor won't be made sad and ypu can talk about whatever you feel x

Are you worried that a grief counsellor will try to ‘cure’ you? I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister and you and your parents’ pain.

Thank you @AncientBallerina and @Karmakamelion . I don't know why I can't stand to speak to anyone professional about it. It might be partly because I need her to stay sort of unique, rather than just one in a long line of people who've died? Does that make any sense?

The fact that the thought of grief counselling makes you angry makes me wonder if you're only just now starting to work through the stages of grief, having pushed it all down for seven long years? Have you ever addressed your grief OP? It's very British to just deny that something awful and uncomfortable has happened, ignore it and hope that in time it goes away without having to be dealt with

Thank you @cheezncrackers

Maybe you're right.

I'm quite angry sometimes.

Partly, I'm angry that a grief counsellor might think the issue is my grief, when it's not - the issue is that she went and f*ing died, and I need her to not have done that. Unless a grief counsellor can go and get her back, I don't want to talk to them. Maybe that's it?!

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost my cousin, who I was close to, when I was 12. I seemed to cope admirably then as she had been terminally ill and said when she was hospitalised she wanted to die as it was so awful.

When I got married it hit me like a huge wave. I took my bouquet to her grave to try and help me work on it. I ve had further bouts of sadness over the triggered when I had children and other such life events.

I can understand why you don't want counselling although I've found it helpful for other things in the past.

I'm really sorry about your cousin @Ohmylovejune . And 12 is such a hard age to have such a massive loss.

Ahh bless you, so much of your post resonates with me. I lost my sister after a short illness 6 years ago and like you I hardly had time to grieve (young family etc) I went back to work the day after she died, I think I was deranged tbc.

life slowly returned to normal, and i slowly dealt with it.

for some reason, it’s hit me hard this Christmas, we’ve lost quite a few relatives over the years, I’m hardly talking to my Mum and I really miss my sister, we were best friends ❤️ Like you, my teenage girls remind me of her (one looks like her so much sometimes it takes my breath away) I guess what I am trying to say is it just hits you sometimes out of the blue, I just try and remember the good times and her when she was healthy, happy and vibrant. Probably doesn’t help that I am menopausal at the moment as well, and pretty much angry at the world anyway.

Grief does come in waves.

It sounds like you didn’t really face it the first time. It’s not a criticism - sometimes it’s simply impossible to do that and stay standing, plus you had small kids to raise and your poor parents to support.

I’m not surprised that you are angry at this lovely girl being taken from you, why shouldn’t you be?

I do however think the anger is a sign that the best thing is going to be counselling with someone who is good and can help you process the infuriating fact you can’t go back in time and you can’t have her back. You will probably angry during this process, but while you will always have grief, it should help the anger to subside longer term, and for you to live alongside the loss and love of her, and to see her legacy in you an the kids.

Everyone’s experience is different but I lost a sibling to suicide so I am so very sad for you. It can get better (not go away, just be more peaceful), but as a rule you have to face it.

I'm so sorry about your sister. It's not the same but I lost my mum young and I can relate to some of what you've written. I too sort of numbly carried on for about 5 years and then suddenly it caught up with me and I had a breakdown.

Grief isn't something that you ever "finish". The only people who say it is almost invariably haven't experienced close or traumatic bereavement.

The one thing that eventually did help me a bit was talking to someone who explained that we still have a relationship with someone even when they're not physically with us anymore - we can be guided or influenced by the person, revisit conversations, ask ourselves what they would say. Who we are in the present is shaped by their influence on us in the past and we bring them along with us that way too.

It's not the same, of course, but I guess what I found helpful was finally being given permission to carry her through my life with me. Up until then I'd had lots of pressure to "move on" and "forget" her (I will never forgive that person). That's not how love and loss works though - you still have the relationship, albeit different.

Traumatic bereavement might be better suited to a trauma therapy rather than grief counselling - it would be more focused on supporting you to carry your sister with you without the same level of pain rather than a sort of tick box "finish your grief and move on" type approach. I don't know if that still sounds enraging?

I have a really visceral angry response to people whose grief guidance/support is geared towards "getting over it" rather than honouring her and her ongoing role in my life. Do you think that might be part of what you're feeling?

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense or just waffling - I hear you, is what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

I know what you mean I think. I was in a situation where I was advised counselling and it felt like I was just another person in this situation and the counselling box had to be ticked. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found a decent counsellor who wasn’t trying to ‘fix’ the situation. Sometimes a completely neutral person who you can let it all out to, or cry or say very little can be just a help in that moment with no long term aim. I’ve had two different counsellors on the phone who I found very helpful. Not having to see or be seen made it more helpful I think.

@SqueakEasy of course it makes sense. I lost my cousin in childbirth and I was and still sometimes are furious with her.
The specialness of her wasn't her death but what she bought to you . Maybe talk about that at first and allow the rest come organically x

In my experience if one doesn't get the opportunity to talk about and process what has happened it can take longer to accept and get to a place of being able to cope with the loss in a more realistic way.

Im sorry to you all for your incredibly sad losses. 💐💔

My brother killed himself in his early twenties, nearly 20 years ago but it feels like a few months ago.

I am angry, devastated, grieving.

It never goes away.

I am also a mother and I see my brother daily in my son's gestures, interests and talents.

I'm now a therapist and have training in grief counselling.

I don't see grief as something to "move on" from. There is no list in my mind of people who have died. There is only the unique beauty of person lost and the immense void they have left. My role is to be there.

If you have someone to talk to about your sister, to share memories with, look at photos with or just tell about her, to help people remember her and what she gave the world, that might be better than grief counselling.

I am so sorry that your grief has come back to bite you - although I am quite sure it had never gone away. And I can understand why your children beginning to grow up has been a trigger.

I was interested in this in your post ..........
It might be partly because I need her to stay sort of unique, rather than just one in a long line of people who've died? Does that make any sense?

I hear that, but also have to say that one of the things that comforts me about the death of my OH, after so much terrible suffering, is the fact that there are millions upon millions of other people who die and have died and that it is part of the natural order of the world. I find that helps me.

I know that the manner of your sister's death feels totally out of kilter with the natural order and this is one of your awful burdens. When someone takes their own life there is this massive sense of "what could I have done that I did not do?" - I know, my grandpa did the same and I watched the family fallout.

I have no easy answers for you, but wanted to just tell you what has helped me with the loss of my life partner. I hope it might be of some comfort.

This link below is lengthy and may not be for you, but it discusses how cognitive trauma therapy can be used for traumatic bereavements, particularly the use of imagery to make the pain more bearable. It draws distinctions between traditional grief counselling and suitable approaches for traumatic bereavements like yours.

Some of it made me angry because it felt "dismissive" of the reality and enormity of loss (similar to your comment about not wanting to talk to a grief counsellor unless they can bring your sister back), but some of it I found helpful or hopeful.

Amidst the things in counselling or trauma therapy that make you feel livid, it's possible you may be able to find ideas or strategies you can connect with and that may help in some way. As a pp says, sometimes it's about finding the right therapist for you and your needs.

(I'm the kind of person who likes to have information to be able to evaluate what's going to be helpful to me and to give me hope that I might be able to feel less pain in future, but I appreciate that may not suit you so please ignore this post if it's enraging or unhelpful to you.)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10160000/

I lost my son to suicide this year. His sister is 'coping' like you did. None of us talk about it to each other. My partner and I have counselling but my daughter doesn't want it. I worry that she thinks we are heartbroken and loved her brother more than her. I'm worried she doesn't want to be a burden on us. I'm worried she feels she has to stay strong because if she doesn't she'll crack up.
I don't know what I'm trying to say but just that I feel for you and I believe you. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with this and maybe you should reach out to your parents as perhaps they've been waiting a long time for you to stop being so strong.
Sending love ❤️.

There is so much valuable advice in this thread. I am sorry for all your losses xx

Sorry to hear about your sister. Grief is really complex. As you've said you are not up for grief counselling, I wonder if you might be interested in something like Good Grief Festival. X

I lost my big sister 7 years ago. A very aggressive cancer that came out the blue and took her very quickly. I took it for granted that she would always be there. Hard as I lost my mum to dementia last year. Christmas makes me emotional as it was her favorite time of year and she was born in December.

Thank you all so much for your extremely helpful responses. I'm very touched by them and grateful to you for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. I'm taking everything you say onboard.

I'll respond more thoroughly later.

To everyone who's lost someone - I'm so sorry X