Family pet dying, What should we do?

[CrystalQueen87]

Our beloved family cat is dying and she may pass on her own, or she may get so poorly that we need to make the decision to put her to sleep.
Our DS is 6.5 years and he is very grown up for his age, understands things well and asks lots of questions
He knows she is going to pass away and he had tears when we told him, we are trying to enjoy each day with her and he seems to be coping well.

I have two real hard dilemmas....

Is she has to be out to sleep would you let your child of this age be there for it if they wanted to? He has said he would like to be there all of us together as a family cuddling her and saying goodbye when she is put to sleep.
BUT I'm just not sure, it's not going to be pleasant and I don't know if it will be worse to let him do what he thinks he wants by being there and risk him getting traumatised or saying no it's best if he's not there for it and him being sad and upset that he wasn't there at the end of her life 🥺
What would you do?

Also my second thing is actually explaining to him what happens when she passes away?
Do you say they go to Heaven? I know this will differ on people's beliefs and religion but I just wondered if there is a general one fits all thing that I could say to him happens when people or animals pass away to make it comforting and a nice thought rather than a scary one.

Thank you so much in advance for anyone who takes the time to reply it's really appreciated x

Hello,

I think you should take him if you are able too. Death is a fact of life and most children’s first experience with death is with a pet. I don’t think death / illness should be sanitised or something that should be hidden away from children.

Have you asked him what he wants to do?

To answer the second question I think that depends on if / how religious you are as family.

Yes he has said he wants to be there when they put her to sleep

My children were a little older when our old cat had to be euthanised.

She had been sick for about a year, but finally it was obvious that it was time.

I didn't take the children with me. Or husband. She was my cat. I'm glad, because it was awful. She was furious. And I cried so much.

The kids knew she was going to the vets, but we didn't tell them what was going to happen.

I simply told them that she had died at the vets.

They were sad. Though we'd already done a lot of our grieving. We had discussed that she was very ill, and she would likely die soon. We talked about atoms going into the earth and the air, etc.

However, my youngest (around 7) was utterly horrified at seeing me upset. So bear that one in mind. (I, too, get far more upset at seeing other people's distress.)

I don't think it's helpful to use vague language such as "passed", or notions about a rainbow bridge, (or even 'put to sleep'). Just say they have died. The cat is dead. It doesn't change the outcome, or the feelings, but it means everyone understands exactly what's happened.

There's nothing comforting about death. But death happens to everyone and everything. We talked about her long and happy life. And we talked about how sad we are about her death.

They have since had a family member die. And they will encounter more death as life goes on.

Death happens. It's not pleasant. And it's ok for us to feel sad about a death. It's important for children to learn that death happens.

I am glad I didn't take my children. It was not a spectator event. It was deeply distressing and a memory I wish I could live without. (And it wasn't that bad given the stories I've read here regarding human deaths)

Children don't need to see death that closely, if they can avoid it.

I’ve lost two dogs in the past year and while I am an advocate for telling children the truth they really don’t, under any circumstances, needs to see a pet be euthanised. It is awful beyond words.

Take her during the day, be as upset as you want, and when he’s home from school explain she died during the day.

Our vets take paw prints, fur clippings as momentos for us.

Can I just gently suggest that you don't allow your lovely cat to die on her own? It's often better to control this by putting to sleep rather than letting it pan out - you don't want your pet in pain and confusion - cats hide pain very well sometimes so I'd urge you to not let her deteriorate when you can control this

On your first question , I would suggest you take him with you to the vets (presume that's where it will happen), let him say goodbye and kiss her, then have him out of the room and someone sit with him elsewhere. You can then bring him back in after she has died if you think it's important for him to see her again at peace. I have two reasons for suggesting this - one, when animals die it isn't always peaceful. He might think he wants to be there but he's too young to understand the physical process, and two, for me at least when my animals have died I've been so overwhelmed in grief at the moment they go I wouldn't want my child to see me at that specific moment. I'd want that moment to myself. Not that you can hide the grief process, but there's something about that moment.

On your second question, this largely depends on your own beliefs and how you are raising your son. Do you have any religious beliefs that you want to pass on? Do you have beliefs but are raising him to be open to other ideas?
I don't believe in any gods, or heaven, or any afterlife, or ghosts. I believe that living beings hold an energy that keeps them alive. When we die our energy is released back into the world. It exists around us and gets pulled in by others. I describe it a bit like a wave in the sea. A wave is created by water that gathers together, then it crashes onto the shore and that water is released back into the sea. New waves form in the sea but never exactly the same collection of droplets.

So sorry about your cat. It's very emotional when they are pts. I went with dh and we both thought we'd be fine as cat was very ill and we were 'doing the right thing' but we both absolutely sobbed and I'll never forget how hard it was. I really would spare your ds that sad experience.

My dog was put down last month. It was very very sad but she was old and had fallen ill very suddenly, and despite the vet’s best efforts it was clear we had to let her go.

My children are older (12 & 15) but they came to say goodbye. Although they were upset it wasn’t awful. The vet brought her into garden behind the surgery, the sun was shining and I couldn’t have wished for a gentler parting. It may be different with cats but it was really was just like watching her go to sleep.

I'm sorry you’re facing this, it’s never easy ❤️

Hi vet nurse here , very sorry i know how this feels.
If this helps i have sadly assisted at many euthanasia's and i have done a fair few where children of different ages have been present ,we have never advised against it but let the parents decide whats best for their child.
I have never seen any of these children behave with anything other than quiet dignity and an understanding that their precious pet will be at peace, it's quite amazing really in fact they seem a lot more accepting of whats going to happen than a lot of adults i have dealt with.
It is vital to use the correct language nothing ambiguous ,no 'going to sleep'.
I have used the explanation when something is so ill and we can't make it better that we will give some medicine that will stop the pain and he won't wake up and he will die but it won't hurt and that it's a very kind thing that we can do when something we love is so very poorly.
Usually when a child is present the parent has already prepared them .
The vet could sedate your cat in a different room before bringing back for the final injection this would lower the chance of any distress.
I too agree let the vet help you and don't wait for her to die at home this could potentially be awful.

When I took my last cat to be PTS, the vet took him to be sedated in a different room before bringing him back for the actual procedure - that would all have been fine for a younger child.
I never expected to react the way I did, but when the vet left me and my young adult DC to be alone with him for a while after he had died, I completely broke down. I'm certain everyone in the waiting room could hear me. My DC was amazingly supportive. I'm not sure I would have wanted a younger child to see that level of distress from their mother.m, and I do t think I'm being overly dramatic.
You need to think all of the possibilities through, OP.

I wouldn't take kids with you.
Our Ddog was pts about a year ago. Dc were 6 and 8.
Although she was 14 and struggling and I have no concerns it was the right thing to do it was quite traumatic and very upsetting. Im glad dc were not there.
We just told them she had died because she was old and poorly and they accepted that.

I can't advise on your first question but in term of your second, you can use this as an opportunity to talk about what different people believe - heaven, reincarnation, nothing (but that's ok because you'd be unaware of anything), you can talk about her body returning to and nourishing the earth. That death is sad for people left behind but it is normal and natural. And then you can talk about the fact that she'll always be a part of your family and even though you can't see her anymore you'll always have all the lovely memories.

Watching an animal being out to sleep is not traumatic. Its very gentle, peaceful and you have time to say goodbye, and give the animal a cuddle. I would say totally include you son in this, and go to the vets doiner rater tgan later

My dcs all had small pets, and when they died they accepted it and were sad, they did a little card to be buried with them and that was that. They do understand death and in a way it is good to learn about it. No need to talk of heaven unless asked directly and the I would say I really do not know what happens after they die, because I don’t.

I'd let him go, he wants to go and this is really life

I had to make the decision to put my cat to sleep when DS was 5 or 6. DS stayed at home with DH when I took her to the vets'. I don't think it would have been good for DS to witness me howling in the car afterwards!

I didn't claim she went to heaven. I told him that when we die, we just "stop", but that we live on in the memories of those who loved us.

No to taking DC to the vets. That’s not appropriate. Be the adult and make it about the cat not the DC.

Our dogs have always passed very peacefully (literally just like going to sleep while being cuddled/stroked in their bed at home, our lovely vets come to your home if that's what you prefer) but I've heard from friends that cats are different - they seem to fight it more and can be aggressive.
I'd think hard about how to deal if something went "wrong" - either your or the cats reaction. Grief does funny things to people and sometimes we don't react in the moment as you think you will.

Yes, this was my experience.

She seemed to know. She snarled, hissed, looked me dead in the eye. Poor love was so, so poorly I didn't expect that she'd be so angry. It was awful.

She did not simply just go to sleep. She fought it (and the vet). And I felt so guilty that she'd pulled that energy from somewhere. Like it was too soon.

With hindsight, it wasn't. She was so unwell and would only have got worse.

It was not something a child should see.

I'm so sorry for your experience @OctogenarianDecathlete I hope the happier memories of earlier days bring you comfort. It's the worst part of being an owner, having to make that decision.

" I've heard from friends that cats are different - they seem to fight it more and can be aggressive."

"She seemed to know. She snarled, hissed, looked me dead in the eye. Poor love was so, so poorly I didn't expect that she'd be so angry. It was awful."

I had a very different experience. I stroked her head as the vet injected her, and she just - stopped. Very peaceful. No distress (well, not on her part anyway).

In your experience.

In my experience it was the worse thing I’ve ever been through. He fought through his sedation (twice), yelped in pain when the cannula went in and lost control of his bowels as he passed. It was not something a child should see.

OP, you have no idea how your pets passing will go, so with a DC so young, err on the side of caution.