Guilt around my nieces death

[StarDolphins]

My niece (35) died this morning. She was admitted last night with pneumonia. She was texting me last night sending photos. This morning, gone.

Her mum died of pneumonia 20 years ago when my niece was 16. She was then in a RTC & later ended up being awarded 1.3m.

My niece had a son when she was 27 but he was taken off her because she chose drink/men do have over her son.

She then lived a Jekyll £ Hyde life - doting, sober mum when she had her son then as soon as he went home, she drank, had all sorts of people coming & going as she has a house & money to buy alcohol etc. she never worked.

But it wasn’t her fault. She’s the product of her upbringing. It wasn’t my sisters fault either. She also had a terrible upbringing. My mum was an alcoholic.

She had no chance in life. She just wanted to be loved & so did my sister.

I’m sat in my car waiting for my DD to finish brownies sobbing. I’ve had to hold it in so she doesn’t see. I feel such sadness for the life she lived & the 1 she should’ve lived but also so incredibly guilty that I didn’t see her more. I told heriwssaleays there but I only saw her when she had her son as this was when she was sober.

I get 8 hours a week when my DD goes to her Dad’s for the day. I spend all
this time cleaning, shopping & catching up on life admin. My niece couldn’t come to mine as she had anxiety & I was just to busy. None of which is good enough.

I should’ve made time, visited more, told her how much I loved her, how funny she was, how it wasn’t her fault the way she was.

i would do anything to turn the clock back🥲🥲

Sending you love.
None of it is your fault either .

No, but I could’ve done more, been more present. Wish I could tell her now & be there more. I feel such guilt & sadness.

Please don’t feel guilty. She made her own choices, as did your sister. I am sorry for your loss, try and remember positive things about her.

And don’t be worried about crying or showing emotion in front of your DD, it is fine for her to know that you are feeling sad, because feeling sad is what happens when someone we love dies.

I’m so sorry. This must be so tough for you. Objectively it sounds as though you have in fact been there for her. Guilt is also a very normal reaction after a death. Cut yourself some slack though, be kind to yourself. I’m sure she loved you too and wouldn’t want you to be torturing yourself.

I'm so sorry about your neice's death. Feelings of guilt are a part of the trauma of bereavement. Perhaps, in a way, you could have done more - because no matter how much you did do, it is always possible to think of other things you could have done. Possible, but not reasonable.
She knew that you were there for her. That's why she texted and sent pics. You stayed in contact, even though her drinking made that hard. That is a lot, really it is.
Of course, you will torture yourself by finding specific things that you wish, with hindsight, you had done. Perhaps, just for now, accept that you will torture yourself in this way. Notice each time that you do it and remind yourself what you would say to another person if they were going through your pain: Be kind to yourself; you got a lot of things right, which is as much as can be expected of anyone.

@Porageeater she did love me yes & I know she would’ve known I loved her. I was a stable person in her life, I know this. I just didn’t see her enough or text her enough. I was too busy.

@viques yes you’re right & I want her to know it’s ok to be upset. She asked me if I cried when she died & I said I did because it’s sad & I’m sad for her son who now has no mummy. I just don’t want her to to see me crying as I can imagine it being scary as it’s not little crying.

Thank you. This really makes a lot of sense. In time, I will hopefully see this. What a sad & troubled life.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your niece had serious addiction issues and no matter what you did , you couldn't have changed that for her. She had the money to get treatment and change had she wanted to. Sadly you can't help an addict , they have to want to change and help themselves. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this and you couldn't have prevented her passing.

Thank you & yes this is true. I talked to her about the life she could have, get her son back, have therapy. After a crisis, she would be adamant that she wanted to stop & never did.

Her poor son has lost his mummy & his dad is not much better. I’ve asked my nieces case worker if I can still see him & she said it would be up to his dad as he has full PR.

I want to blame my Mum for all these ruined lives but I guess I can’t because she had a terrible (a different terrible, but terrible nonetheless) but she could’ve got therapy & been a good mum. But then as pp said, so could my Sis & niece.

Thank you, it’s all helped.