About the guilt and the rage

[Wafflesandcrepes]

My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly in January at her home in France. She suffered a lot as she lay dying. I won’t say more in terms of the pain she was in as I worry this might be triggering for people.

I believe she suffered an aortic dissection. Despite the pain she was in, emergency services initially declined to attend. When they finally arrived it was too late.

The two GPs she saw in the two weeks leading to her death treated her back pain as back pain and pumped her full of painkillers instead of looking for the root cause.

Sudden death at home doesn’t automatically lead to an autopsy in France so it’s been left to me to find out what happened. Mumsnet has been very helpful with this. I regret not asking for an autopsy (but not sure I would have been granted one in any event.)

I feel no-one in France cares about what happened. When I contacted her GP three days after her death, they didn’t offer a single word of comfort or condolences. I’m also angry at emergency services for not realising the seriousness of the situation and for delaying her care. As a result, mum died on her own as my dad was downstairs making sure emergency services could get access to their apartment block. He had to do CPR on her when he came back up and realised she wasn’t breathing. None of this would have happened if emergency services had turned up when my dad initially rang them.

I feel guilty that I didn’t stay on after visiting at Christmas, that I didn’t advocate for her, that I didn’t ask Mumsnet what this sinister backache could be. It might no have saved her, but she might have been more comfortable and in hospital.

How do I deal with the guilt and the rage? This is becoming all-consuming.

I'm sorry to read about the upsetting death of your mum .

Have you considered speaking to a counsellor? It might help, because you've two things to deal with, which are separate but linked - the loss of your mum and the upsetting situation around her death.

In the meantime if it was me I would try to express my feelings as much as possible, by writing or drawing perhaps, getting them out of my head to see if that helped at all.

Sorry, to add, it might help to talk with someone about the person you've lost, Cruse bereavement charity will listen on their helpline, or of course any friends, or you could talk about your mum here.

It can be very hard when the circumstances are shocking or distressing to get time/space to think about the loss of the person themselves.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I am not surprised that you are finding it hard, as others have said seek some support in rl. When you lose someone you love so dearly is it very hard to accept, particularly in these circumstances. Wishing you all the very best for the future

Thank you. And you’re right. Talking about her as her - and not a number - would help. She wasn’t just a 76-year-old lady who died. She was vivacious, opinionated, and as I said at her funeral, she cared very deeply about others. To the extent that she emailed me while in so much pain three days before her death to remind me to send a get well card to a lovely family friend. I will give Cruse a go.

She sounds caring, thinking of someone else at that time.

You must really miss her.

Losing someone is so hard, you lose a lot of small things. It can be hard to even describe them all. Some of the things you lose don't seem very big when you describe them, but they are still huge emotionally.

I hope Cruse can help you.