My dad passed away yesterday.

[guessagain]

He died yesterday morning, he was 85. We were expecting it as he was very poorly, however it’s still been such a shock & has impacted us profoundly.

I feel lost, yet I I’m not alone, I have my ds & dd at home & DH. I have 2 sisters & a brother. I lost a brother 32 years ago, so I feel I know grief well.

I work PT & have kept them up to date, they have been really good & told me to take as much time as I need. I’m pushing myself to go back to work tomorrow. DH reckons I should have gone back today, he’s just more or less said to me ‘people may ask you if you’re ok, but they don’t really care’ like telling me not to talk about it because people won’t be bothered. It’s as if he’s telling me I don’t deserve this time to grieve, that I should just be getting on with things. I know what he’s trying to tell me, ‘go back to work & don’t say anything, if they ask ‘how are you?’ say ‘yeah I’m okay’ & thats it’. Done dusted, one of his favourite phrases.

If I’m totally honest I don’t know if I can face going into work just yet, but I’ve more or less said I’d be back & I’d never hear end of it with DH, he’d not be happy if I didn’t. It’s been a really really truly awful, stressful last 3 years with dads (and my mum has it ) illness & I’ve had to keep face & carry on as normal as DH wouldn’t of had it any other way. Life carries on regardless of what’s happened or is happening. Every aspect of it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Out of interest, has your DH lost either of his parents yet? He doesn't sound very sympathetic. I lost my mum 5 weeks ago. It was sudden although she was unwell. She was 64. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
I went back to work a week later, but I only work very part time and am self employed.
Don't go back until you feel ready. What your DH thinks really doesn't matter. You need to look after yourself and he should be supportive of whatever you decide. I'm so sorry you are dealing with an awkward DH as well as everything else. I know the stress.it is so difficult.

I'm so sorry to hear this and am thinking of you xxx

Also I should add, my DH never asked when I was going back to work, he left it to me to decide. It definitely has helped me but I am in full control of it.
If you go back to work straight away, you are effectively saying you are ready and capable. Please don't do that to yourself if you know you are not.
You have just lost your dad. This is huge. Huge.

Sorry for your loss 💐
Go back to work when YOU feel you can cope.
Your husband sounds awful. Tell him to keep his opinions to himself.
Be kind to yourself.

Sending you a big hug. I had a week off when my Mum died a couple of years ago (live several hours apart so I stayed with my dad). I needed the week just to make sure he was OK and to get my head into some kind of order. Work was excruciating! I'd be feeling fine (having had my wee cry in the shower) and then someone would say they were sorry and did I need anything....... Being customer facing with puffy red eyes is a challenge!

Be kind to yourself, take the time you need and please, please don't care what anyone else 'thinks you should' be doing. You've lost your Dad and no matter how much it was expected nothing prepares you for the loss. Have another big hug xx

Your DH sounds horrible. He's probably never lost anyone close to him so isn't being very empathetic. Take a few days to get your head around it, support your Mum and grieve. Work can wait. If your DH complains tell him you need time to process and come to terms with your Dad's death. I know even when a loved one is very ill and you know they are dying it still somehow comes as a shock. Wait until Monday.

Jesus Christ! My mum died this morning and I can't imagine going back for at least a week. In fact, I don't think my boss would let me! DM had been very ill for months and despite it being expected, I am an absolute wreck today. I just cannot stop crying. Please just take some time. Work, although usually important, is meaningless and irrelevant in the wake of a loss this seismic. You need to sit with this news and these feelings before trying to move on from them. And lastly, I'm so sorry your father has died, I wish you'd had longer with him xxxx

KindaDefinitelyMaybe - I’m so very sorry for your loss, take care of yourself xx

2023pileofshite - so sorry for your loss xx

I don’t think DH has experienced a loss like this, not entirely- his dad died when he was very very little like 3 or 4, he says he doesn’t rem him much. I’m not sure if he’s thinking that because he didn’t get to grieve over his dad, then perhaps there’s no point in me ‘dragging’ my grief out over mine - he can be a bit like that, although he’d never admit it. My sisters don’t work & even they are telling me it might be better to go back - it’s ok for them though! Maybe they’re all right. I have to go back at some point.

My dad died 3 months ago - very suddenly and unexpected. I was away and didn’t make it back in time. Give yourself time to grieve.

Grief and how we go through it is very personal and no one else should tell us what the “right” way is because that doesn’t exist. It’s something that I’m still trying to come to terms with 2 years later and I’m not sure I ever fully will. I’m sorry for your loss, take care of yourself and let your own feelings be your guide x

My 86 year old DM died in September after being ill and having dementia for many years. I don't have siblings. Her passing was a great relief but it's still hard. Take all the time you need xx
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I’m sorry for your loss, and other PPs’ losses. It’s awful.

I lost my dad last year and had about 3 weeks off work. I agree with PPs that grief is very personal and can’t be prescribed - I was away from home when DF died (parents live a long way away) and DH never asked when I was coming back home let alone tried to dictate when I should return to work.

Take the time you need and be accountable to nobody. Thinking of you.

OP my sincere condolences. Take a week at least. I did when my DF died. Or work from home if you can - that makes it easier. My DH, normally a very good man, was totally rubbish over bereavements, so I can empathise. I hope you have other people to support you. Wishing you all the best x

Had a similar experience myself earlier this year. The best advice I’d give is try and be kind to yourself. I kept working and then suddenly hit a wall. I’d find the whole situation would take over my thoughts, but found fresh air and little walks helped. I also found writing down how I felt helped me to process, but progress can be slow. Sometimes I see something, or hear a song and it can be very triggering. People around me wouldn’t know how to act or what to say and that made me feel more isolated with my feelings - you don’t want to burden them and at the same time no one truly gets it until it happens to them. I wish you well and hopefully you can feel better, day by day.

Condolences to you and your family

It is so personal OP, so take your time and see how you feel. I am so sorry for your loss. Months down the line I was hit by my grief out of nowhere so it is not done and dusted within any given time frame. I know this doesn't fit it with 'normal' life, but I don't think it works like that.