Lost my Mam last week

[BorrowersAreVermin]

I'm not a big poster on here but I suppose I need somewhere I can share how I'm feeling.

We lost my mam last week, she was 61 and it happened over the course of the weekend. Friday she went into hospital, Monday she passed away. She hadn't been sick so it was a big shock.

Last week my emotions were very close to the surface. This week I think reality has set in and I feel cold, for want of a better word. Completely worn out.

The funeral is next week and it feels like there's still so much to sort out. My mam rented a flat over the road and her stuff is currently half sorted, half as it was. Really I want to get that sorted by the end of next week.

It just feels like I haven't got the energy for it. She's left such a void. She would be the person I would go to for advice on stuff like this and she's not here. I've suffered from anxiety in the past and when it was bad it felt like my head was scrambled and there wasn't room for anything in there. This feels like the opposite, like deep inside I'm hollow.

I'm grateful I have my family around me but they're just not her.

I'm so sorry OP. I was a shock when I lost my Dad but we did have some time and knew it was coming, I can't imagine what this must feel like. Try and be really kind and gentle with yourself, the shock must feel brutal and you sound like you are perhaps feeling numb currently which is completely normal too. You are trying to absorb something massive. Does the sorting out of her flat have to happen now or can it wait a little? I remember feeling a huge exhaustion just after Dad died which lasted a couple of weeks or so, I don't think I could have sorted anything really. Just give yourself some time and take care.

I'm so sorry @BorrowersAreVermin. That's so young for her to go. It's little consolation, but at least it was fast, whatever it was, and it wasn't a long drawn out and painful experience for her (that's why I try to tell myself about my own Mum's death, also in her 60's).

You will never stop missing her, but that's okay - she's your Mum, and always will be. You must be so tired - she is the one person you want to turn to during all of this, and I'm sure she loved you very very much. You'll get through the next couple of weeks - ASK people for help though. You don't have be be brave all on your own.

I'm so sorry x

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s totally understandable that you feel as you do. You’re probably in shock as well as experiencing every other awful feeling. I hope that you find a way to move through this awful grief.

How are you doing, OP?

Thank you everyone, I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner. I felt like I was just venting but I'm glad you took the time to read and reply.

Right now I feel like it's getting harder as we get close to the funeral date. There are more decisions to be made. She loved her music and I could pick 30 songs, so getting that down to three is hard. I'm also putting together the order of service. My sister says it's beautiful, my brother says it's not what Mam liked.

All the while this is a terrible emotional toll. Emotions maybe don't make up much of a physical being but they draw from the only energy you have.

More positively, I'm happy with the order of service and I think it will be really nice when I'm done. I hope I make at least one person cry,! I just need some rest.

In the last couple of hours I've been listening to some music. Let it out a bit. I can't stop thinking that she gave up anything she could have had for what we did have though.

I'm 40. For 35 years she was a single parent and gave us everything. For her last years she had very little. She lived close to me but she gave us too much and left nothing for herself.

I've had my whole life with her and now I'll have the rest of it without. It's a horrible thought.

I lost my mum who was a similar age to yours about 6 weeks ago OP. It's awful to lose your mum at a relatively young age. I'm really sorry for your loss. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, and let the emotions come and go. Some days will be better than others.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Please don't feel like she gave you too much though - as a parent of adult DC I would do anything for them and never want them to feel bad about it. She clearly loved you very much.

My DM gave me so much too, but as a Mum myself, I know that's just the norm. We all want our kids to be happy, no matter their age.
She will leave a big hole in your heart, that's for sure. Don't fight it. Go with your grief, let it spill. Lean on those you are close to, even if it's just a chat.
On the practical side, bish bash bosh. You'll have days you feel more with it and can tackle those chores.

I’m so sorry, OP. I hope the funeral goes exactly like you imagined it. I’m sure it will be a fitting tribute to your mum. She sounds like she was a strong woman and a very loving mum.

I lost my mum very suddenly in January. She was gone in an hour. She was 76. It’s been ten months and I cherish the memories and things that remind me of her. I find comfort in the music she liked and in the lovely, low-key ceremony we managed to put together in the middle of all this grief. Next weekend I’ll be making the cake she always made for the first time. I like to think she continues to feed us.

Thinking of you. Keep strong.

Thanks again everyone, and I'm sorry for those of you who've suffered loss too.

The funeral went well and it was actually a weight off. Whether that was getting through it or everything going well I don't know. I felt like I had said goodbye when she left us in the hospital so I tried to take the time for remembering during the service.

Now everything has calmed down and I'm at the end of a busy week the tiredness has crept back in and I can feel my anxiety rising. I need to keep an eye on that.

I spoke to the nurse practitioner at my GP's office the other day about some genetic testing other family members were recommended to have since we now have a history. She acted like I was making things up about the availability of testing then cut the appointment short accusing me of being abrasive. I hadn't felt like I had been before then, maybe frustrated with her, but I probably was after and the last thing I felt like doing was sharing any concerns about grief or anxiety.

It's been 5 weeks since my Mam went into hospital and didn't come home. It's still hard. I made a playlist of songs I knew she would like. We played a few at her funeral. The Seer, by Big Country, Songbird, by Fleetwood Mac, and Just Like Heaven, by The Cure.

There's a lot more songs on the playlist but I've just listened tonight and cried. It's not a bad a thing to cry. I just miss her. I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone. But crying I'd just a release.

I lost my Gran who was like a mum to me.
It happened very quickly and was such a huge shock.
I think of her every day and she lives on in me.
She made me the person I am today.
The loss will never go away but we learn to cope and grow in strength.

What a dreadful shock for you@BorrowersAreVermin, I am so sorry.

I lost my Mum in May but she was almost 93 and had been living in her own home, doing her own cooking and cleaning until she went into hospital 6 weeks before her death.

Look after yourself, it will be a difficult time for you.