Is it normal to have periods where you're "okay" during early grief

[fancyabru]

My dad passed away a couple of days ago, for the most part I've been crying constantly and felt heavy sadness in my chest... at the moment I actually feel okay and I'm not crying is this normal? I feel guilty for just being with my two year olds cartoons on in the background.

Do you have periods in grief after crying where you're okay for a short little while?

I'm not okay by the way... but I'm not crying for once. He started declining a week ago so I've cried almost constant for a week.

I'm 25, I just want to know what grief will continue to be like from now? I know we are all different, but I feel like I have a lifetime left of just missing him. I am so sad.

❤️
Totally normal
My dad died last year. I was 28 and have two kids who are 7 and 2 now and I haven't actually cried since before he died. It gets easier you just have to ride it and no need for any guilt at all

yes pretty normal I think there Is only so much you can take and your brain takes over, your son is enjoying your company and that's OK.@

Sorry for your loss, Op 💐25 is very young to lose a parent, many people of your age will still have grandparents, so it seems very unfair.
There is ‘no right way to feel’, bereavement is a very individual experience, there is no right or wrong way to feel. One foot in front of another, one day/hour/minute at a time.

Yes, I remember the day after my mum died and a nurse said it's gets easier and I remember thinking but it's not difficult now... When the grief hit, it was like being hit by a high speed train, so unbelievably painful with odd periods of no pain, when I'd wake up I'd forget for a few moments and then it would all come back

Yes it is okay and normal. You will grieve in your own way, and in any case I don't think that 'normal grief' (if there is such a thing) involves constant unhappiness and preoccuption. Whatever feelings you have, whenever you have them, is right for you. xxx

Huge range of normal.

You can't cry unstoppably forever, obviously. You'll have ups and downs.

It would not be healthy or normal to be completely cut off from your own life/family/children, even though your loss is large and real - the love for your children is still there.

When my Dad died I went onto automatic pilot. I made all the phone calls, helped Mum with the funeral & dealt with the constant stream of visitors. At the funeral I circulated & chatted to people even had a few laughs. But then once everything was over & I was back at home the grief hit me big style.

I think there's only so much your body can deal with at a time like that & shut down is a way of coping.

I've heard various people say the same.

When it does come be kind to yourself. Talk to people. Don't 'be brave'

So sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry you have lost your dad. I have found it helpful in grief to understand that our brains have very strong survival mechanisms to help us get through the worst. Lots of the ways we react are because our brain is trying to help us keep going and “mend” whilst dealing with the awful pain of loss. I really recognise what you are saying about going between extreme grief and crying and then feeling more normal for a while. My experience has been that this continues, but the grief periods gradually gets less extreme and less frequent and the periods of feeling normal get longer.

Perfectly normal. I read once that if the full impact of grief hit you at the time of the death it would kill you. That is why nature gives you as much as you can realistically deal with at any given time.

Your grief is your journey, and you will deal with it in your way, remember that.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope that memories of your father bring you comfort in the days ahead. 💐

Totally normal. In fact, the only thing normal about grief is that there is no normal, it is individual to everyone. All you can do is ride it out and be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss, may your memories comfort you xxx

Totally normal, there's no right or wrong.

Circumstances can change how we react too, if someone has been ill for a while, we often react differently than if it's a sudden death eg an accident.

Give yourself space to grieve your way but don't feel guilty for doing or just thinking about ordinary things ... we had gig tickets for 5 days after dps mum died (recently) and we still went, it was good and we knew her attitude to wasting money, if even dwelling on her loss, she was very matter of fact.

It's also ok to find yourself struggling down the line when you appeared to be ok for a few weeks, you will be okay but it takes time, be kind to yourself.

So sorry for your loss

Absolutely normal, it goes in waves/cycles. And common to feel guilty (as well as relieved) for feeling ‘ok’ for a time.

Agree with PP also, it can sometimes be later down the line things hit you harder, once the dust has settled and things have gone back to everyday routine.

Yes, you'll have a range of unexpected and confusing emotions. Just try not to expect anything particular and you can give yourself the permission to feel your emotions,whatever they may be. An hour watching Peppa Pig without your toddler can be normal. When I was going through it I did strange things, I watched back to back horrific horror films after my Dad died unexpectedly, hated horror before. Go easy on yourself, it takes a long time to get through it all and feel normal again. You have to go through the emotions of grief there's no way round it but it's okay to still smile at the good times. Sorry OP, sending strength and best wishes to you 💐.

My lovely dad has been gone nearly ten years now. I randomly burst into sobs the other day.

Your body can't hold that level of pain constantly, it definitely comes in waves. And the waves very slowly move further apart.

Little ones are a great distraction, and source of love. Be kind to yourself. We all grieve differently

Absolutely op. You will laugh too. Dot spend time worrying about your totally expected reaction After DM died I remember crying several times a day, then a couple of times then once a day then the first day I didn’t cry at all. Sorry for your loss.

Sorry to hear about your loss. What you’re experiencing is normal. My Mum died in the Summer, amongst the raw grief, I actually have some nice memories of the first month when me and my family spent so many days together. Preparing for the funeral, looking through photos, endlessly talking for hours. I sometimes feel guilty for being happy back then but it’s not healthy to be sad all the time. It needs to be interspersed with happy times and new memories too, and that’s ok.

So sorry, OP. It's hard. Everyone's experiences and circumstances are different. My dad died in the the Spring after 5 horrible weeks in hospital. I think my most stressful and upsetting period was during that time, not afterwards. Watching the decline and not knowing what the hell the day would look like each time I woke up in the morning. Just not knowing exactly what was going to happen each hour, each day, each week. I can totally understand you doing most of your crying during that period. It's so upsetting to see someone suffering, you feel helpless.

So when he actually died, while it was a shock, I was kind of thankful that it had happened then, for his sake. It was a release for him. His life would have just got worse and worse if he'd lived past his date of death. Actually I get most upset now thinking of him suffering to try to stay alive, rather than the missing him now he's gone IYSWIM. I think as he was elderly I'd seen a slow decline over a couple of years and each time you see another part of the ageing/illness process happen to people you love your brain reminds you "You know he can't be here forever, you are witnessing his body wearing out its usefulness." So whether you realise it or not you are mentally preparing for it. And I think you almost accept it after it's happened as you subconsciously knew it was coming. It's as if you are subconsciously already almost at peace with the loss, but not with the actual death IYSWIM and the circumstances leading up to it.

But there are still days when you wake up and for a second or two forget that they're not in your life anymore, say if you've had a dream with them in etc. And when you remember that the reality you thought you were in is not as it was. You get a bit of a jolt and it can be upsetting.

Like Moneyworrier, I have some fond memories of being together as a family planning his funeral and hearing the wider family tell us stories about him. I do remember laughing about something amongst it all and thinking "how weird it is that we're laughing, and my dad has just died a few days ago."

It's all just hard. Go easy on yourself. If it's your first big loss you just don't know what's "normal" as you've never been through it before. I see relatives who've been through multiple losses and they obviously have have got through it. I bet each time they've had a loss they've questioned their own feelings and emotions less and less and just accept that all the various feelings will just come and go and fluctuate and there's no right or wrong way to get through it.

So sorry for your loss, I was like this too. I went numb for the first week because I had too much to sort out but inside I was screaming. I think it’s perfectly normal, I’m 30 and lost my dad in June unexpectedly. I think you’re weirdly designed to cope because there’s only so much you can take so it’s like you go in to autopilot. I remember thinking even before that losing my parents would be my worst fear and used to get emotional just thinking about it. When it actually happens you suprise yourself with how well you can cope. I do have days where grief has me in a choke hold though and that’s okay too. There’s no right or wrong the pain is immeasurable and you do what you do to cope ❤️ sending love x

Totally normal.
My dad died when I was 23. I got the phone call at work. It wasn't actually a shock, and I felt ok. I didn't cry. My boss drove me home, told me to take the rest of the week off (it was early afternoon on a Thursday), but I went into work the next day. I didn't really cry much until his funeral 2 weeks later.

That was 30 years ago next month. I cried recently about Dad because DS (15) is unnervingly like him.

Grief takes people differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Oh my love, swap 'happy' for 'comforted' in there and please stop feeling guilty about it. That's what family is for xxx

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my DM two weeks ago; I'll share where I am with grief.

I knew that DM was terminally ill two months ago. For these two months I would randomly tear up when talking with people about DM, or when I was in a 'safe space' like alone in the car. I didn't cry in front of close family though, it was in front of randomers like the butchers or the pharmacist. No idea why!

Then when DM passed, I cried every time I needed to speak to someone on the phone - whether that was a distant relative, or her utility supplier. I just couldn't get through a conversation. Although, again, I was fine when with close family.

Here we are, two weeks later. I'm doing okay really. I miss DM like mad and my life will never be the same, but today a friend popped in with flowers and I had a whole conversation with her without crying. I had a teams meeting with six colleagues and needed to thank everyone for their support - I did this with a croaky voice and teary eye, but I did it. I'm feeling quite proud of that.

I hope you are okay. I'm sure whatever is happening to you, is normal for you. Please don't worry, take each moment as it happens.

Of course it's normal. Some people totally fall apart, others are copers. Some deaths are traumatic, others expected.

Even after my lovely husband of 37 years died, I was normal some of the time. A week after his funeral I took my only just adult daughters on a last minute holiday in Dorset, and we had some really happy times that made me realise that one day we'd be okay.

But my husband had been ill for eighteen months, we'd all pulled together, and his death at home was peaceful.
Had he been killed in a car accident without us being able to say goodbye, I'm sure it would have been different. Also I tend to be a coper. That's not to say that it's better than letting it all go, and in some ways bottling things up is unhealthy. But so far all the losses I've had have been manageable. Just because some people are highly emotional in their grief doesn't mean that it's how you're meant to be.

The fact that you're okay some of the time is good. Those times will grow and the sad times will become shorter.

I was 25 when my Dad died too. I’m mid 40s now and I mostly just gently miss him but there are still times I tear up and just wish he was bloody well here!
he died in a hospice so it wasn’t a shock and I probably did a lot of pre death grieving although for the first months and even years it could absolutely floor me. But I had happy times, I went on holiday, started my MA, made new friends. There is no one way to grieve- just be really really kind to yourself.

After my Dm died I kept ‘seeing her’ everywhere . Once she was driving towards me(my mum couldn’t t drive ) and I was so convinced it was her that I almost stopped my car in the midi of the road. Grief is horrific in its early stages.