My dad passed away yesterday, I can't live with this pain

[fancyabru]

My dad passed away yesterday. I don't know what to do with myself, living feels guilty as much as I know he would want me to carryon. I'm a care worker, going back to work will be to painful, I have clients who are a lot like my dad. I miss him so much, we were so close, nobody loves me like he does. I was there when he took his last loud breath, and I keep replaying the moment over and over in my head.... it fills me with sadness that he could've been aware what was happening and that he could've been scared unable to respond or move. I'm only 25 and I feel like it's such a long to continue with this heavy feeling in my heart missing him. I literally feel like if I was told I would die today it would be a great comfort knowing I will be closer to being with him. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know we don't know what lays beyond the grave but knowing his body is cold and unattended makes my soul ache thinking imagine if he actually feels like that still. I don't think I'm ever going to be okay, I don't know how people live through this kind of pain. I have a 2 year old son, and for the first time he doesn't feel like enough... I need my dad.

Oh I am so so sorry.

I am so sorry. Just take one day at a time. It will get easier. As someone much older than you I have experienced grief many times. The worst my stillborn daughter. The pain I felt was physical. I never thought it would end. I live a happy life now despite it.

How are you OP? Please do seek support in real life. I know it feels awful right now, but you will get through this

Oh lovely I wish I could give you a big hug ! I was where you are last year and it does get better , just go with your emotions for now and do lots of self caring - grief is different for everyone you just do you

Oh, I wish I wasn’t writing this to you. My Dad died when I was 25. He wasn’t poorly. One day he was here, the next he was gone.
People told me time is a healer, it isn’t, but you really do learn to live your new life. I couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks and seeing people smile and laugh annoyed me as I could never see me doing that again. You will though, I promise. Things change and are never the same but you do learn to live for your Dad. Take care of yourself xx

I am so sorry you are going through this. All I can say is that you are in a very raw place at the moment, you will have says like this and better days and grief is a process.
The first year is the hardest so don't expect too much of yourself in the next year.

Just get through each day, go with your feelings and let them out, cry and laugh as you feel the grief and then suddenly remember good times. Try and have people around you for the next few days just to sit with you as you go through all this.

Your only job right now is to get through each day.

How much time off will work give you? Do you get sick pay if you need more time off?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad. You're very young to be experiencing this loss so it's not surprising you are feeling so lost and devastated right now. You should be able to get some compassionate leave from work and you can also visit your GP and get signed off for grief and stress for a while if you need to. Care work is tough at the best of times and very hard to focus on your clients when you're grieving. It's very early days so it's completely normal to be feeling as you do right now. Have you got anyone to support you in real life? From what I know about death, there is a release of hormones at the end which helps the person to feel safe and peaceful and I'm sure your dad will have found great comfort in you being with him at the end.