DH on his own with dying MIL (poss trigger warning)

[fuffa]

I've posted a few times lately for advice on different things as my MIL is going through end of life care at home.

I think the end isn't too far off, she stopped eating on Monday but is still drinking a little.

DH is there with her from first thing in the morning until about 10.30pm when he comes home.

District nurses came out Mon and Tues morning, nothing yesterday and are due again this morning.

DH keeps saying he expects to go in and she's died in her sleep which of course could happen but I've read so many traumatic experiences on here from people being with their parents at the end and I'm worried DH isn't prepared for what could happen, or getting the support he needs with it.

I get the impression he thinks she's just going to slip off peacefully in her sleep.

I've said to him several times to call the palliative team again or district nurses and ask what support he'll be getting from them but he's understandably under extreme pressure.

It's only him, he's cared for his mum for years and is extremely close to her. He also has mental health concerns and I'm really worried about how he'll cope during and after if it isn't a peaceful death. Plus, I obviously want MIL to be as comfortable as possible.

I can't be with them as we have 2 primary aged school kids and a FT job that I'm dealing with at my end.

Is it normal just to be left to your own devices when someone is dying at home? The district nurses were supposed to be going in the morning to empty her commode and see how she was but no one turned up yesterday. When he called apparently only 1 person knows MIL's case and they weren't in.

My mother had a Marie curie nurse sleep there every night.

Phone your local hospice.

There are nurses coming in every few hours now and they're trying to get a Marie Curie nurse for tonight but they couldn't get one for last night. DH has been there continuously and is finding it really difficult.

MIL was in a lot of pain during the night and it took a long time for someone to come out.

She had a syringe driver fitted this morning and he's to call if it needs topped up. He was told a little of what he could possibly expect to happen and he's distraught. I tried to prepare him, he thought she'd just sleep and not wake up.

It's upsetting he is there by himself with the odd nurse coming in and out briefly.

He was asked if he wants to be there at the end, he's torn because he doesn't want her to die with a stranger there but he's worried about what might happen.

I'm at home with the kids and he's dealing with it all himself.

when fil was end of life imminent he was moved to the 'rose room' and relatives were allowed to stay with him 24/7.

in the end he died in the 3 minutes mil needed for a quick toilet break.

Is there any way your husband can arrange for his mother to be moved to a hospice? Then there will be more staff on hand. It's fine if she dies alone - many people do - but what she really needs is people around to ensure adequate pain relief for as long as is needed.

I have fairly severe MH problems.

Being with my mother when she died was distressing but ultimately helpful. In the subsequent weeks/years it comforted me that I'd been able to be there for me, and I know that I'd always have felt guilty if I hadn't been (however misplaced that guilt).

I'm not pretending I know what's best for your DH. But just wanted to gently suggest a way in which his being there could help him.

I second trying to get a hospice place if you think more support is needed.

For end of life care at home, yes it is you on your own with carers if you have them visiting, District nurses not necessarily every day. Availability of Marie Curie nurses varies hugely across the country so they may or may not be available.

At least with syringe driver you know there will definitely be a visit from a nurse every day.

Thanks all.

She had passed away when I wrote that last message.

DH and her closest friend were there at the end, it was peaceful.

Just waiting for DH to do what he needs to then he'll come home and I can look after him after what he's been through these past couple of weeks.

Glad she didn't linger on and it was peaceful. Hope you and your husband are okay.