DH’s sister died suddenly

[RosieLeaLovesTea]

Hi all
my DH’s sister died suddenly on Monday. She had epilepsy and had a seizure when alone in the house. Her two daughters 14 and 13 came home and found her dead. It’s worse because my DH had a rift with her. He had not spoken to her for a long time. His DF contacted us as he is out of the country and wanted us to
help the girls and her partner. They are all devastated.

I had said to him quite a few times to try and heal the rift in case something happens.

His dad is also devastated. His sister is the same age as her mother who died of cancer after being diagnosed 6 weeks earlier and my DH was
only 15 yrs old. So he understands to some degree what the girls are experiencing.

I wanted to make contact previously and introduce the girls to our DC because didn’t because I didn’t want my DH to think I was
going Behind his back.

My question is how do we begin to build a relationship with them
in such a fragile and painful state. We will need to attend a funeral at the other end of the country and we have not met them or spent much any time with them.

I hope one good thing to come of it is that we can build a relationship and that they can get to know us and their counsins.

any advise on first steps?

I wanted to send
them a card and a few small gifts to let them know we are thinking of them.

...anyway, the correct route is to talk to her partner and ask what you can do to help. It might be that there are practicalities that you could help him with.

There's no way that you can be of emotional support to those girls. Your DH made it clear in the most obvious way, that he didn't like their mother. How on earth would his presence help them?
So stick to being of practical help to her partner.

How awful ..... that's so sad

And yes re projected guilt. People can act SO inappropriately when they feel guilt

I also agree. A death does not magically fix relationships. Suddenly trying to be the uncle the girls never had might be inappropriate or even hurtful. Don't push anything, let things develop naturally, if they do at all.

We didn't even tell our estranged family about a death until well after the funeral. Their presence would have been traumatic and unwelcome. They chose the estrangement and we felt their choice to be estranged for so long came with the consequence that you don't get invited to major life events.

My brother died in 2021. My other brother felt guilt because they didn't have much of a relationship, but they did have some.

I echo the poster who said your DH needs to make sure this is not about his guilt. It needs to all be about the girls and his sister's partner.

Be there and available, but don't smother or make them feel overwhelmed. If you suddenly rock up and they think you're great they might encounter difficult feelings not understanding why their mother didn't let them have access to this relationship whilst she was alive. They can't ask her for her side. They need to not be in their position.

It might actually be better if you and your children are sat the forefront of the attempts to link in with them because you're that bit further removed (assuming the rift wasn't to do with you?).

She wasn't judgemental. No matter what the back story, these girls have no relationship with him. For someone (anyone) to show up at this difficult time and expect to support them and start a relationship with them may be unwelcome. Try to see it from their perspective.

Not entirely the same thing but when my mother in law died, all sorts of rarely heard from relatives appeared, Christmas shortly after was filled with visits from them, loads of presents for the kids, offers of anything you need just ask.

12 months on, despite my husbands attempts to maintain contact, messages go unanswered and we've not seen them since the end of last year.

Anything that you try and (gently) start up needs to be maintained, even when you've eased your (not necessarily you, DH maybe?) own guilt around the situation.

I think everything needs be done via the partner:

My mum had quite severe mental health problems, during her life time. A few family didn’t speak to her. Can’t entirely blame them. But the last thing I wanted was to be dealing with them, their explanations, their desire to help out now, their desire to have a relationship. Even with the back story of mum being extremely difficult. It wasn’t my job to fix that rift. Or make them feel better.

Genuinely couldn’t have given a shit. I remember one of her sisters agonising over wether to go to my mums funeral or not. I didn’t give a shit if she went or not. I just didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want hear about why they fell out, what the back story was or any of it. And to be honest, I think distant relatives often lean on those closest to the deceased to make them feel better. Especially when there’s a rift.

I was an adult and I couldn’t be arsed with long lost relatives who didn’t speak to her, who thought approaching me would make their guilt reduce. And that’s what these people are really doing. Looking for ways to feels better. It’s certainly not the job of children or bereaved partner. My Dps sister doesn’t talk to him. If he died and she wanted to be involved, now build a relationship, now show support I wouldn’t be having it either.

I would suggest your husband send and/or makes contact by phone and simply starts there asking if there’s anything he can do.

I would put this ‘oh I would have made contact with them but dh wouldn’t want it.’ Out of the pictures. Don’t even hint that you would not like to build a relationship . Your dh should just support.

This isn’t an opportunity for your husband to share his grief. Or revisit his grief over his mother. If he can’t prioritise supporting the kids and partner then he should stay away and arrranve to see his dad when he is over separately.

Having been there on both sides of this OP, I think your DH needs to think about if he has a need to go to the funeral for himself, knowing he may not get a warm reception and people might find it strange he is there after not having been involved, depending how long that was. I'd probably send a simple card to the family as well.

Your DH needs to take the lead here, advised by you as necessary tbh. But there’s been some great advice on this thread.

I was pretty estranged from my brother when my dad died. He came to the funeral and helped a little with sorting dad’s house out. I was struggling caring for my mum (who he’d not seen for years) and told him I needed help. He stepped up. Over the following year he was a great help. It was a big surprise to me. We’ve built a relationship again.

I say send a card. Say you’re incredibly sorry. Say you’ll see them at the funeral and will help in any way if you can. Say you’ll be up at Xmas and again would like to see them/help in any way. Then leave it to them to decide what they want. Don’t push or force anything. Be there for them, but in the background.

Tread so very softly.
I would not send gifts. Gifts are for keeping and the only association they will have with it is that it came their way because of the death of their mum. No matter how carefully chosen it is tainted before you begin.
The only gift that could overcome that, would be something like a family item their mum loved and she'd want them to have. But a teddy bear (or whatever) from a relative who's essentially a stranger ain't that, no matter what strength of love is behind the sending of it.

Their Xmas will be ghastly, they may have presents for her she'll never open. Family traditions that will now never happen again, is that the right time to try to begin to build a relationship given what a strange footing the dynamic will be on?

It is a long way to go so of course you can't do flying visits. But brief visits are necessary with her partner and children who don't know you at least. Do you have the means to stay in local accommodation for a few days at a time and offer to visit/help/express your tender care?
No matter what relationship you manage to build, it will always be long distance, so it will only develop very gradually, I expect you realise this, but keep it in mind so you can remind yourself not to be too full on despite wanting to step up to support etc... It could still feel very intrusive to them.

The key is to take it at their pace and notice their cues, offer your presence and support but make clear their way is the right way.
Maybe you know how her partner and children view the rift, maybe not, depending on what they feel about it, actions which in another situation would be viewed positively could potentially be viewed as entirely the opposite - kindness becomes opportunistic vulture-ing... That sort of thing, and if you are to overcome that, you need to be very respectful and observe their preferences and comfort zones and boundaries.

Good luck. Such a sad situation.

Do you have children? From a different perspective when I have lost someone knowing blood relatives were out there still helped, even if I didn’t have that relationship before the death. My ex husband’s father and his brother were estranged, when they both died a short time apart the cousins became very close even though they’d had no contact whilst growing up. They may have feelings about your husband but want to get to know any cousins they have.

What a dreadful thing to happen.

I am so sorry.

It sounds as if one thing your DH can definitely do is support his Dad.

If I was a teen rocked with shock and grief the last thing I would want is the arrival of aunts, uncles and cousins I had never met. Especially if, as seems likely, some negative things might have been said.

I think a card or letter. No suggestion of any meeting as yet. Your DH might need to make a short heartfelt acknowledgment or apology for intransigence about the rift. That isn’t about addressing HIS guilt or regret for himself.

That sounds harsh and isn’t meant to be, but the situation will take sensitive handling and honesty and clarity for the future. I wish you all well.

You also have to consider that building relationships takes energy and when you've had such a close loss, energy for such things is in very low supply.

4.5 hours is a long journey (we have a 6 hour journey in our family so i do get it) but I think if you truly want to build bridges actually you should be going up there for a cuppa. Book a travelodge or something. Suck up the inconvenience and the cost.

Turn up with cake and a couple of nice ready meals for his freezer. Take photos of their Mum. Your DH can tell them some stories of before the rift and then say he’s so sad and sorry they didn’t sort it out. Leave after an hour or the second they are ready for you to.

I would agree with PP to start with the girls' father. Talk to him, support him and ask if you could visit the girls or help with the funeral in any way. I'd let the past be the past. And support DH's father - his loss is immeasurable.

Building relationships takes time and commitment. I can remember the relations who turned up at my mother's funeral having not seen her for years. Of all the attendees they were the most tearful and then promptly disappeared again. Even on the day I wanted to say 'where were you when she was ill?' I don't think you quite understand the situation or the impact of grief - please don't send gifts. I also think the adults - your partner, FIL (too upset to attend the funeral but happy to turn up 2 weeks later!) are too wrapped up in your own guilt/grief. I would get in touch with your SIL's partner ask if there is anything you can do and say you would like to attend the funeral. Give them space at the funeral, ask if you joining them on each step is OK- seriously accept that they might just want you to go back home.

I was in a loosely similar situation.

My DH's mother was part of a big family and there had been a huge falling out of her siblings over a ring I think so some of DH's Aunts and Uncles did not come to our wedding.

DH died of leukaemia almost 5 years later aged 29. When they came crying to the funeral I def felt-although did not say to anyone-well what good is it you coming now that he is gone when you should have come when he needed you.

So I would just warn that there may be some of this-the girls are teenagers and grieving, they willl only know and believe their mother's version of events so I would tred carefully.
I think you should proceed with caution at this time and take your cues from them.
After the funeral, when everyone goes back to their normal lives and they are left bereft and empty would be a time when perhaps-and slowly-you try and build a relationship but don't be offended if you are initially rebuffed.
They may feel the need to carry the grudge for their mother's sake.
Good luck.

Yea the thing is everyone comes out the woodwork once someone passes way. The bereaved person clearly sees that so don’t be expecting a family reunion.