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Original poster

DH’s sister died suddenly

44 replies

RosieLeaLovesTea · 08/11/2023 19:55

Hi all
my DH’s sister died suddenly on Monday. She had epilepsy and had a seizure when alone in the house. Her two daughters 14 and 13 came home and found her dead. It’s worse because my DH had a rift with her. He had not spoken to her for a long time. His DF contacted us as he is out of the country and wanted us to
help the girls and her partner. They are all devastated.

I had said to him quite a few times to try and heal the rift in case something happens.

His dad is also devastated. His sister is the same age as her mother who died of cancer after being diagnosed 6 weeks earlier and my DH was
only 15 yrs old. So he understands to some degree what the girls are experiencing.

I wanted to make contact previously and introduce the girls to our DC because didn’t because I didn’t want my DH to think I was
going Behind his back.

My question is how do we begin to build a relationship with them
in such a fragile and painful state. We will need to attend a funeral at the other end of the country and we have not met them or spent much any time with them.

I hope one good thing to come of it is that we can build a relationship and that they can get to know us and their counsins.

any advise on first steps?

I wanted to send
them a card and a few small gifts to let them know we are thinking of them.

OP posts:
GrumpyMuleFan · 08/11/2023 20:02

I am so sorry OP. I have no wise words, but you do sound as if you are on the right path. I would let the past be and focus on the future. I am not close to one of my sisters and subsequently don't know her DC very well - I understand how your DH feels. I always think that if something happened, we would put that behind us and scoop them up into our family. Reality not always that straight forward. Good luck with the coming days and weeks.

Thedm · 08/11/2023 20:07

Just be careful about it. I’d hazard a guess that you don’t know her partner either, and he will probably want comfort and support for him and the girls from his family, who will have a relationship with the kids. Don’t go in full force or overbearing, with long visits or offers to have the girls for a while or anything like that. Just be careful.

It is an awful time for them and for him, and it needs to be about them right now, not about you. Be there of course, try and make some plans to see the girls, your FiL can probably be the helper for that as he has a connection to both sides. But just don’t look at this as your opportunity and go in single minded. For them, it’s about the loss of their mum.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/11/2023 20:09

I'm really not sure about gifts in this sort of situation. It's like expecting someone to be happy at a time when they are desperately sad.

Original poster
RosieLeaLovesTea · 08/11/2023 20:10

Thanks all. They live up North and we live down south and it’s approx 4.5 hour drive. I would like to start slow and build up but it’s not like we can pop in for 10min chat and a cup of tea. Hopefully we will be able to see them over xmas and spend some time. Her partner was so devastated he was crying and taking about her in such a lovely way. It broke my heart.

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 08/11/2023 20:21

I think that you need to be realistic here. This is not some happy opportunity for you to get to know your nieces. These are teenagers and you are strangers who had fallen out with their (beloved and now lost) mother. They will have an opinion on your husband and how he treated their mum. They also will want to be with people who actually know them and care about them.

For goodness sake do not go blundering in and start suggesting spending Christmas together. You didn’t spend Christmas with them when their mum was alive. Why would they want to spend Xmas with you now?

If you genuinely want a relationship with them then you have to be very very careful, very very slow, very very gentle and very very accepting of the fact that they may see just speaking to you as a betrayal of their mum.

MissyB1 · 08/11/2023 20:24

How is your Dh feeling? What does he feel about his nieces?

Original poster
RosieLeaLovesTea · 08/11/2023 20:25

My DH is upset. He was crying and he wants to help his nieces. I think he understands how they feel losing his mother like he did. He is also upset for his dad who is devastated.

OP posts:
JustAMinutePleass · 08/11/2023 20:26

You need to think about the girls. The last thing they need is to trip over the family who never bothered with them / their mother while she was alive. Give them time and space to grieve and take their and their dad’s lead when trying to build a relationship. It’s very possible they don’t want a relationship with you and your DH and you need to respect that.

JustAMinutePleass · 08/11/2023 20:28

RosieLeaLovesTea · 08/11/2023 20:25

My DH is upset. He was crying and he wants to help his nieces. I think he understands how they feel losing his mother like he did. He is also upset for his dad who is devastated.

With all respect this isn’t about him or his grief over losing his Mum. This is about the girls losing their mum. If he truly wants to help he needs to take their lead

Original poster
RosieLeaLovesTea · 08/11/2023 20:28

I was not going to suggest spending Xmas together. Father in law had decided to
come back from abroad on 23/12. My DH suggested we visit him over the Xmas period and so as we are
There will make time to them if they want to see us. my father in law does not feel he can attend the funeral he is that upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieLeaLovesTea · 08/11/2023 20:31

@JustAMinutePleass I think if you knew the backstory you would not be quite so judgemental.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 08/11/2023 20:31

Oh those poor kids.

I think I'd start with a letter/email via their Dad. Give them time to think & respond in their own time.
Just tell them how sorry you are, some nice memories of time together, and your wish to see them when they are ready.
No rush.
No pressure.
Just a clear and open offer to be with them in any form they want, when they want.

Thedm · 08/11/2023 22:01

RosieLeaLovesTea · 08/11/2023 20:31

@JustAMinutePleass I think if you knew the backstory you would not be quite so judgemental.

But it isn’t really about the backstory. For whatever reason, justified or no, your husband didn’t didn’t speak to his sister for years and didn’t have any relationship with his nieces. You have the backstory, but you just don’t know what the girls know about it, how much they were told and if they would understand your side of it or not. I think that poster was giving the opinion they possibly have, rather than being judgemental herself. The girls may see it as someone who didn’t bother with them pushing in now that the sister, who he didn’t like, is out of the way or they may think he is only back around because he feels guilty or feels obligated. Basically, you don’t know how they will react to building a relationship with your family. Whatever reaction they have now won’t be the one they have in a few months time. Right now, they are buried in grief. You should be there for them, if they want you to visit, and if they don’t know you should gently check in but don’t be pushy. Just follow their lead, take it slow and be cautious of how they feel about your husband and whatever they’ve been told about the fall out.

Wafflesandcrepes · 26/11/2023 07:23

I’m so sorry for your family, OP. This is so traumatic. I have no wise words of advice. Take things one step at a time, be there for them, offer practical ways you can help. Re: a Christmas, I’d definitely find out what their plans are. It’ll probably come up in conversation. You might not know them yet but you might connect with them well. My mum was NC with part of her family. When I met one of my cousins, we connected straight away.

Also I meant to say that the tone of some of the messages here - and other threads in the bereavement forum - is off. Please remember you are dealing with grieving people and people who are going through a traumatic time. It’s a good idea to read your messages before you post and edit them for kindness.

Wafflesandcrepes · 26/11/2023 07:39

Also do you have relatives you could visit nearby? You could go up for a weekend and mention to your BIL that you’ll be in the area and would be happy to pop in for a cup of tea. It might be just what they need.

Namechange4234 · 26/11/2023 07:46

It's not about the backstory .... the back story is your husbands reasoning for being NC

Those poor children and their dad have lost someone who they love dearly and have (perhaps) got ANOTHER backstory, which is THEIR truth and THEIR understanding

They may want nothing to do with any of you

You and your husband need to get your heads around this before you jump in to try to make things right and rescue the situation (rather late in the day imo)

They are grieving. The last thing they want is your husband desperately trying to assuage his guilt

tribpot · 26/11/2023 07:49

I don't think @JustAMinutePleass is being judgmental but is rather trying to explain the very likely feelings of these two bereaved and traumatised girls towards relatives they don't know. What you know about the back story and what they know is likely to be very different.

I think @Notonthestairs has the right idea, going via their dad and asking how you can help. FIL is understandably wanting you to offer the help he would if he were in the country and that might be by helping with funeral arrangements if there are people the DP can't reach because of the rift, for example.

I'm very sorry for your loss, what a devastating time.

AnotherEmma · 26/11/2023 07:49

What was the rift about?

User562377 · 26/11/2023 07:52

Do you know her partner at all? I'd start there. Along with a sympathy card in the post. Slow and careful.

Wildhorses2244 · 26/11/2023 07:55

Actually, although you’ve said “it’s not like we can pop in for 10 minutes for a cuppa “ I think that’s exactly what would work best here.

Is there any way that you can suggest doing exactly that? I appreciate it will make a long drive for a short visit but I think that if you want to build bridges that’s probably the best way to do it.

CatonmyKeyboard · 26/11/2023 08:00

It may be that what they need is practical help. Deaths come with a huge amount of unwanted and unfamiliar admin and form filling, and even if your FIL can't face the funeral, someone will need to make arrangements. But you would need to offer very sensitively.

Holly60 · 26/11/2023 08:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Holly60 · 26/11/2023 08:04

Actually maybe I'm wrong in what I've just said. Maybe FIL does need to see his son and take comfort from him.

I've reflected and I think maybe I was too hasty to post above.

He may appreciate the relative normalcy of your children being ever so slightly removed from the grief.

saraclara · 26/11/2023 08:04

They are grieving. The last thing they want is your husband desperately trying to assuage his guilt

That.

Also maybe this is also a moment for mumsnetters to reconsider throwing around the "go NC" advice to strangers online.

Mariluisa · 26/11/2023 08:08

Another one saying tread very carefully while you and they are at this stage of grief and shock. In our case when DH died suddenly his brother and wife swooped in - she was positively energised and giddy, telling me that she’d been telling colleagues how she’d ‘gained a niece and nephew’.

Meanwhile I knew the actual deep hurt my DH had experienced from their actions over the years due to their loyalty to FIL who made BIL his golden child from childhood.

The guilt they suffered also had to be projected somewhere, so that came my way at the most vulnerable time in my life.

Im sure you’ll behave better than they did! And your intentions sound good, but my in-laws were doing things they’d never have done had DH been there. The person we were grieving