4 years since we lost DD - really struggling

[Shefliesonherownwings]

This week will be the 4 year anniversary of DD passing and her 4th birthday as she was stillborn at 41 weeks.

This year feels so much harder to cope with. I think it’s because DS2 was born earlier in the year and after his birth I struggled hugely with the grief of losing her, it just all came back so intensely and vividly. I’m guessing that’s the reason why this year is so hard but as the anniversary and her birthday approaches I feel like I don’t know how I’ll actually get through it. I’m really struggling 😞

I’m so sorry 💐

I’m so sorry, sending love xx

Sorry for your loss 💐Best wishes xx

I'm so sorry for your loss - it must have been and continue to be so hard.

I'm sorry you are struggling and I totally understand how the deep feelings of loss returned after the birth of your second child. It may help to do something positive such as raise money for a charity that supports other families in the same situation Xxx

Sending you an understand hug.

I know you said it feels harder this year, but what were some of the things that have got you through the other difficult patches before?

I’m so sorry. I can only suggest that, when you have your DS2 baby to hold, although it’s so wonderful, it also brings home in a whole new way what you have lost. Grieving is a lifetimes work, and it’s ok not to be ok — some anniversaries will be harder for you than others. And having a baby is such a profound event, you have experienced the joy & the pain in two total extremes, 4 years isn’t long to work through all that, it will take a while.

I know people involved with Petals, the charity for parents grieving the loss of a baby — I’m sure they could help if you want to talk x

I’m so very sorry for your loss OP. I can’t imagine the heartache. What was your DD’s name? X

I'm so sorry - and this sounds perfectly natural. I lost my 2nd baby at 27 weeks, and then went on to have 2 more pregnancies (how I did it I'll never know) in quick succession. It was around the 4th or 5th anniversary of his death that somehow it hit me like a freight train.... and I didn't get out of bed for nearly 2 days, just crying under the duvet. DH frogmarched me to the GP but they told me it was just delayed grief (I don't think I'd let myself feel it at the time) and slowly but surely it got better. Even now, so many years on, it will still hit me hard at the oddest of occasions. Christmas is always especially hard.

But it does and it will get better. Counselling didn't help me but it does help some. What worked for me is having his photo by my bed so he's my first and last thing I see everyday, and just keeping him alive in our family... our DC are very aware of him. Go easy on yourself

Thank you all for your kind words. Today was the last day DD was alive 4 years ago so I’m just reliving every moment and wondering what I could have done differently. I feel so guilty that I didn’t know she was struggling.

I am involved with a local baby loss charity and in fact am attending a support group meeting tomorrow where I know I can share openly about how I’m feeling with others who have been there. I’ll look at petals too @Commonwasher

@SkyFullofStars1975 thank you. I’m sorry for your loss too. DS2 is my third baby, we have DS1 who is 3. I had him less than year after DD passed. Like you I don’t know how I did that but I was desperate to have another baby. I feel as though this may be delayed grief. I went from losing DD to falling pregnant again very quickly, dealing with the pregnancy and a new baby, then I went back to work and threw myself into that as if to sort of prove I could still do it. I think I am only now starting to really process it all. I have had a ton of counselling of different types but I think what you have said about keeping your DS alive resonates. I want to make sure my DSs know DD and she is included. It’s hard though as DH finds it hard to talk about her but I think it will help me.

@listlovers her name was Isla.

Hug your little boys tight and tell them all about their brave, beautiful sister.
sending love ❤️

Might be nice to write a letter to her and if you're spiritually inclined ask her to watch over you and her sister.

What a beautiful name for a beautiful soul. Thinking of you and of Isla 💐

Isla, always remembered and missed 💕

@Shefliesonherownwings their memory never fades, I can promise you that and you will make some sort of sense of it all one day. It took me a long time, but I also think it's made me a much better parent. I fiercely love my DD's and always have a sense of how amazing it was that they survived their journey into this world. Although you've had the very worst imaginable pain, your other children give you the most unimaginable joy. Life goes on, albeit differently to the way you'd got in your head.

I'm so sorry OP. I lost my baby in 2015, and when I came home from the hospital with newborn DD I just cried as DD, DS and I sat on the sofa for a photo because there was an empty seat where I should have had a 6-year-old cuddled up with us and sharing in the arrival of her new baby sister.

I don't think you ever properly get over losing a baby. Sometimes even now I think about her out of the blue and it just stabs me in the heart and I can't breathe.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

Hi @Shefliesonherownwings I remember you from the TTC after loss threads after you lost Isla.

Pregnancy and birth after stillbirth are incredibly anxiety ridden and difficult and coupled with the ongoing grief for Isla it is not surprising that you feel this way, your feelings are never far from the surface, which is so very hard alongside the demands of caring for two very young children. I have no advice, just reassurance that somehow, taking one minute at a time, you can and will get through the days, including the anniversaries and the birthdays.

My heart goes out to you and please know that you are not alone. If things feel overwhelming, please speak out irl and on here and also to SANDS, there are many who feel for you.

Isla is a beautiful name