My Dad died. It was awful.

[Trifleguzzler]

Hi everyone,

I just needed to get this out I am sorry if it is upsetting for anyone.

My Dad died last night. He had been ill for years with different things going on. He was so brave and so strong he always bounced back but this time he couldn't.

I was there for his final night I sat by him all night in hospital with my step mum.I had researched end of life so I could be prepared. But nothing prepared me for it.

It was awful, he was so agitated they sedate him but when it wore off he would soon become agitated again. I spent the night caring for him, doing his mouth care, putting his socks on, brushing his hair, tickling his head, warming his ears.

At one point he tore his canular out and he was covered in blood.

What was the most shocking was the state he was in. He was so so thin weighed about 6.5 stone.

When I got the call to say I had to go that he was waiting for me. I zoomed up the motorway it took 4 hours to get there and the minute I arrived he gave me his big beautiful smile, said oh hello then said I need to sleep now. He didn't really regain consciousness again.

This sounds ridiculous and I would never not cared for him. But he had family visit who got all of the lovely bedside chats and reminiscing and I got the active dying part which I think has traumatised me.

I researched it because I wanted to stay calm and reassure my step mum that what was happening was normal. And it was text book. But nothing prepared me for seeing my Dad who I loved so much be so scared. The last thing he said was hold me. He was so frightened.

I wasn't there when he passed as by that time he was on steady morphine and so peaceful, I just kissed him told him to be good and left him and my step mum alone. He died an hour later.

Sorry not sure what I am trying to gain from this maybe do you forget that part and remember the good stuff or will this haunt me? Not sure what to do.

I don't have a partner to confide in although my ex husband has been brilliant.

It's so traumatic. I'm so sorry. I've been there. It's surreal. He knew you were whether agitated or not.

Take time to grieve, there is no right or wrong. Do it your way. Expect the unexpected

Be angry , be sad all those emotions are valid.

It's a tough ride. But you have this

@Charlingspont and yes
He was so lovely. The best man I have ever known.

My dad just died too. Cancer. It was so awful at the end hearing him gasping for breath. Feel like I will never get over it. Sending you lots of love and strength xx

I lost my dad 6 weeks ago. Very similar circumstances to your story actually. Very agitated at the end. So I had to get him sedated and that finished him. It was an awful trauma but it's faded a bit and left a calm feeling that he is peaceful now and the worry about him has lifted.

Hang in there x

I'm so sorry OP
I have nothing of value to add other than my condolences. I don't think anything can prepare you for watching someone you love die. Praying you find peace x

He hung on until he had seen you, @Trifleguzzler. That means worlds more than having bedside chats. He wanted to see you and he did.
No-one is prepared for death and IME everyone is scared at some point (my DM had no quality of life towards her end, but she still really wanted to live and was scared of dying). That's a horrible thing to witness, but as you've said, your dad's passing was peaceful and that's a good thing.
Take your time, as it's a lot to process. Then, if you feel you're struggling then yes, do see a counsellor.
I'm sorry for your loss.

My dad had stomach cancer as his primary. The fecking idiot just upped his antacid intake. Then it spread to his spine, so he went to a chiropractor. Then he was in a lot of pain, so he went to a French doc to get painkillers (long story). Then he collapsed at work.
I only found out what he had due to an autopsy.
I'm still pissed 18 years later that he didn't see his actual doc.
I'm sorry I lied. It isn't any easier to talk about it now. I'm in tears.
I think I need to talk to someone.

@LadyGaGasPokerFace yes my Dad had covid and it turned to pneumonia too. I am glad he isn't suffering anymore, he had the early stages of vascular dementia too. So his body gave up before his mind did. For that I am grateful.
I miss him.😔

Such a tough time, I’m sorry for your loss. Hold on to the fact he obviously held on until he knew you were there, and so he loved you deeply.

Sorry for your loss OP….and sorry to everyone else for their stories on this thread ❤️

My dad died last year. His last week was horrific. A trauma from start to finish as we watched him suffer til the end. Nothing could have prepared me for it and I’m always pretty stoic. The only comfort I can take is that he is at peace now and I hope you can take that comfort with your dad too x

@Daffyyellow thank you.🥹

Thank you trifle

TBH , I think it was easier on him, he was so rarely ill , he didn't like us fussing and was my Mums carer and often didn't tell us what was going in because he didn't want us rushing over . He;d never been in hospital since childhood , not because he hated them, he just didn't need them, except something Day Care /Checks

When I spoke to him, I think the confusion was getting to him too , being cold in hospital meant he was very ill, its like an oven . So though it did stab my heart to hear him ask , I know if I'd broken Covid rules he'd have been unimpressed ! (And at that time he wasn't EoL so couldn't get there )

We had Zoom Calls but of course , like many people he died when he had no visitors .

@Startrekkeruniverse Yes I am the same. I am quite a strong person not easily rattled. This has shaken me to the core.
Thank you so much everyone for sharing your stories so far. It's all just so painful. I think my lack of sleep isn't helping I was awake for about 40 hours straight so I don't think that is helping with my state of mind.

Oh OP, your post struck a cord. I lost a very close immediate family member recently who was quite young. We were very close. I was there in the final hours looking after them. It was traumatic and difficult, not peaceful. I'm glad I was there for them till the end, but there's a bit of me that is resentful that in the last few days, other people got to share in the lucid moments, when I missed them all, despite visiting for hours every day.

That doesn't haunt me though. The memory of those final hours do sometimes, but mostly I just miss them, every day. And that would have been the same regardless of those final hours.

I'm very sorry for your loss. The grief doesn't diminish, but you do get used to living in the world.

My mum has just passed away four weeks ago. I had a very similar experience with the agitation and then waiting for the morphine and sedative disease to be right to keep her calm and comfortable. It was pretty horrific.
I'm starting to think more about the good times now and not think about the last few days

I am so so sorry @Trifleguzzler It sounds like your Dad was at peace once he had seen you and smiled at you. It sounds so traumatic and I wish you peace. Maybe try and find some happy memories and photos to try and focus on now Xxx

@Trifleguzzler ((((((HUG)))))

I'm SO sorry. It's very very hard.

At the end it was you he was waiting to see, it was you he wanted there and he felt more peaceful once he'd seen you.

My Dad died suddenly, it's a different kind of trauma.

My Grandad died like your Dad. He had been a tall broad man and had shrivelled down to skin & bone, it was awful
watching him shrink & fade away.

Anyway, just to say, it won't always be this raw, you don't (or should I say many/most) 'get over it' but you learn to let it live alongside of you. It's there, it hurts but it stop being front & centre 24/7. The rest of you life pushes back in because it has to.

lots of people are different but I can't talk (or type!!) about my Dad without crying, even now (over a decade on) I still miss him SO much. My Dad died at 65 from a massive heart attack, so there was no relief from the fact he was no longer in pain. However the cancer had caused my grandad a lot of pain, mentally & physically and he had had enough of the side effects of chemo.(very harsh years ago, it's come a long way) & so there was some relief he was no longer in agony.

But, of course, I just wanted him back, as he was pre cancer.

biggest hugs, you're not alone!!

So sorry OP

I was with my dad when he died (it’ll be ten years in February) and reading your posts has resonated so much. He had heart and kidney failure and it was a seizure that finished him off, while I was with him and holding his hand. The doctor said it would be classed as a “peaceful death” but it was anything but for me - I had flashbacks for months about it, although I do believe he wouldn’t have known anything about it so I suppose she was right in that sense.

I hadn’t read anything about what to expect at end of life (I hadn’t expected him to go that soon, though in hindsight, maybe I should…) so it was traumatic, but I really don’t think that there’s anything that can prepare you for the loss of a parent. I think you just have to do whatever you have to do to get through it, there’s no wrong or right. I spent six months in a complete fog I think, looking back, and it took a long time before I could remember him as a living person, but those good memories do come back.

Be kind to yourself and take it one step at a time. It takes what it takes.

I saw my father’s body in unpleasant circumstances and for quite a while that was all I could see but as a pp said upthread after some time the good old memories started to come in. I recommend e m d r if you continue to struggle.

I’m so sorry that your Dad’s death was so traumatic for you both. My mum’s death was also rough. It took me a long time to realise just how traumatised I was and had therapy to deal with it. My relationship with mum was not good and there were no Disney moments. She was angry and bitter and didn’t mellow at all. She was also agitated and frightened, and I looked after her for the entire month leading up to her death. While I wished I hadn’t for a very long time, I am now studying nursing and will specialize in palliative care so that I can help others avoid dying like my mother did.

I was relieved when my father died because the last few weeks of his life were pretty awful. He'd stopped eating and (almost) drinking and just wasted away. I wasn't there when he died but arrived a few minutes later. He didn't really look like my dad any more. We sat with him for a few hours til my mum was ready to let him go.

For a while I feared that, when I thought about him, all my memories would be of his decline with dementia and his death. But over time I am regaining other memories, of happier times. With that comes more grief, for everything I've lost, but it's better that the horror of those last days. And in the end he had a long, good life, even if the end was basically a bit shit.

I think the problem is that society doesn't talk about death - so when it happens to a loved one, we're so unfamiliar with it and expect a scene from a film where everyone gathers round the bedside and your loved one slips away serenely.

The reality is so different. My Dad died earlier this year from liver cancer, and his last 4 weeks of life were truly truly horrifying and will haunt me forever.
My only comfort was sitting with him after, and realising that he was peaceful and not suffering anymore.

It's so hard, my mum wasn't even ill for that long and her condition was only discovered through having a broken bone, but as soon as they told her what it was she started having "symptoms" even though she had none previously. She just gave up. It's heartbreaking to see someone do that.
And you can't help punishing yourself for feeling angry with them. and the guilt is the hardest thing for me, about grieving for her.

Sorry for your loss and wish you peace.
I was with both DPs and my gran when they died and still think I just wasn't prepared for DM death 3 months ago. She'd been very seriously ill for 5 years but always rallied, and I didnt really believe it until the hospital rang to call me in to be with her. I'm reassured to have been with them all when they died and to have the chance to hold their hand and offer my support, and miss them all terribly still. It does fade into the background a little as life intervenes and recall happier memories.

What I am really struggling with now though is the change in family dynamics between all my siblings (and their partners) now that the older generation have all gone. It's highlighted how different we all are and what a job DPs must have had with us all growing up!

I was too late to get there when my own Dad died. I was on my way up in the train and my mother called to tell me he had died. No one had been with him. I had seen him two months before. I still feel so guilty for not having gone up earlier but I was working full time and had a household to run. My mother didn’t want me to come up which I have never forgiven her for. I did see his body . I am haunted now that he died like this alone. What an awful way for a human being to leave the world. I really knew nothing about death or dying and found the whole thing terrifying. He died in a hospice so I hope he was sedated .