Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My Dad died. It was awful.

70 replies

Trifleguzzler · 04/11/2023 22:21

Hi everyone,

I just needed to get this out I am sorry if it is upsetting for anyone.

My Dad died last night. He had been ill for years with different things going on. He was so brave and so strong he always bounced back but this time he couldn't.

I was there for his final night I sat by him all night in hospital with my step mum.I had researched end of life so I could be prepared. But nothing prepared me for it.

It was awful, he was so agitated they sedate him but when it wore off he would soon become agitated again. I spent the night caring for him, doing his mouth care, putting his socks on, brushing his hair, tickling his head, warming his ears.

At one point he tore his canular out and he was covered in blood.

What was the most shocking was the state he was in. He was so so thin weighed about 6.5 stone.

When I got the call to say I had to go that he was waiting for me. I zoomed up the motorway it took 4 hours to get there and the minute I arrived he gave me his big beautiful smile, said oh hello then said I need to sleep now. He didn't really regain consciousness again.

This sounds ridiculous and I would never not cared for him. But he had family visit who got all of the lovely bedside chats and reminiscing and I got the active dying part which I think has traumatised me.

I researched it because I wanted to stay calm and reassure my step mum that what was happening was normal. And it was text book. But nothing prepared me for seeing my Dad who I loved so much be so scared. The last thing he said was hold me. He was so frightened.

I wasn't there when he passed as by that time he was on steady morphine and so peaceful, I just kissed him told him to be good and left him and my step mum alone. He died an hour later.

Sorry not sure what I am trying to gain from this maybe do you forget that part and remember the good stuff or will this haunt me? Not sure what to do.

I don't have a partner to confide in although my ex husband has been brilliant.

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 04/11/2023 22:25

It's so traumatic. It was for me. The last moments with my dad haunt me to this day still. Take comfort that you were there for him, that he saw you and you made his passing easier for being there. It's been 12 years and I can picture it as if it was yesterday. Consider therapy if you need it, keep talking, accept all the love that is offered and be kind to your self.

I'm so sorry 😞

JollyHostess101 · 04/11/2023 22:28

I’ve just lost my dad!

No real advice but I take immense comfort in the fact that he’s not suffering anymore!

I miss him everyday- big massive hugs!!

IcedupTulip · 04/11/2023 22:29

I’m nearly 6 months on and still can remember most things. The horrible things. Some other things are blurry but the traumatic things are still remembered. I’m guessing from the poster above me remembering from 12 years ago, it probably always will be.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 04/11/2023 22:31

Thank you so much. I think I am going to need therapy 100%. I am normally quite pragmatic about things and i knew what was happenong was normal but this has nearly finished me. 😔 I feel shell shocked.
I am so sorry too.

OP posts:
IcedupTulip · 04/11/2023 22:31

I struggle with wondering about an after life too. I wish I knew if there was one but comfort myself that if there isn’t at least they aren’t aware they have passed.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 04/11/2023 22:32

Yeah I guess it's something I will need to come to terms with. God it is so painful.

OP posts:
NotAscoob · 04/11/2023 22:33

So sorry op. Huge hugs to you x

Princesspollyyy · 04/11/2023 22:34

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. How awful for you. I'm so sorry for your loss x 💐

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 04/11/2023 22:34

@IcedupTulip I have not stopped thinking about this all day. I used to have such a romantic notion in my head that he would be back with his own dad who he lost when he was very young and missed him all of his life, he spoke about him a lot. Now I just think, he's just gone.
Maybe witnessing it all just made it all so real nothing was romantic anymore.

OP posts:
ZeppelinTits · 04/11/2023 22:44

I'm so sorry OP. My sons dad died last year and although we weren't there at the very end, we did watch him suffer and I also viewed his body after his death the following day which really affected me and took ages to get over. The hospice nurse who stayed with me for the viewing said to me something that helped a lot and I'll share it with you just in case it helps. She said "at first this will be all you can think about when you remember him and you might think this will always be the case, but over time you'll be able to think of him again without calling this part of it to mind and you'll be able to enjoy the positive memories you have of him once again". And basically that it was normal to be shocked, and normal for that to get stuck in your head. She was right and a year and a half on, it has got a lot easier. Your brain is processing it right now and it's so very fresh and raw still and will feel very distressing. Talk and talk and talk about it as much as you can, therapy sounds like a good plan. Get it out if you, don't hold it in. In time, your feelings will change and you'll be able to see an overview and it won't hurt or feel traumatic in this way.
Sending you love. Flowers

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 04/11/2023 22:45

Thank you.😪

OP posts:
Justonemorecoffeeplease · 04/11/2023 22:51

OP I’m so sorry for your loss.

My Dad died in 2021. I can remember everything so clearly. It was a boiling hot day. He too was skeletal, cancer had ravaged him. He held on while I drove the two hours to get to him. By the time I reached him he was non-verbal. I sent my mother downstairs to get a cup of tea and held his hand and told him to go and that I’d look after my Mum who was disabled. Holding my hand with my husband holding my other he died.

OP it will probably stay with you but you did say goodbye so perhaps there’s comfort in that?

My mother died suddenly eight months later and was found by police during a welfare check in the middle of the night when I couldn’t get hold her.

The death of a parent is a loss that I’m not sure you can prepare for. It will take time to rebalance and I have no words of wisdom for you other than to say remember the love you shared with your father can never be taken away from you - that legacy will live within you.

Wishing you strength.

henrysugar12 · 04/11/2023 22:54

Sending you hugs.

My mum died in front of me three years ago. I can see it in front of me as if it was happening over again. It was horrific. And I beat myself up about it as I was so angry at her for not fighting and trying to stay alive. She had given up and refused treatment, but didn't realise the extent until we found dozens of letters from the hospital of appointments that she never went to.

henrysugar12 · 04/11/2023 22:55

And yes, have some therapy. I had some and it helped. I do think I need to get some more though.

mrsbyers · 04/11/2023 22:56

I had ten days of this with my lovely dad , I don’t think about it now though , I think about the night we spent listening to the radio and holding hands , telling him we all loved him as he passed away and the smell and feel of his lovely fluffy soft hair when I kissed him on the cheek one last time

Caswallonthefox · 04/11/2023 22:57

I watched my dad die 18 years ago. It still affects me now. I only knew he had cancer because of the nurse answering the phone when I rang to find out how he was.
He went in on the Wednesday and was dead at 3.15pm on the Friday.
I watched him throw up frothy blood. It was also the only time I have seen him cry.
Counselling for me turned into bitching about other family members.
It does get easier, although, to this day, I can't listen to certain types of music and tonight I will think too much.
Always try and remember the positive memories you have.
Don't ignore your feelings. You have had a traumatic experience, if nothing else discuss it with your doc and if they recommend antidepressants don't say no.
I had a 3 month old son as well. I'm glad that the only person my ds smiled at was him.
I'm still pissed at him for not going to his doctor.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 04/11/2023 22:57

@Justonemorecoffeeplease I am so sorry that is so heartbreaking. I am so thankful I was able to give him a smile as I walked into his room. It was 30 seconds. Like he had waited I got there and he said okay she's here and he was pretty unconscious then.
You are right about the loss of a parent. Something I was reassuring my children about (before he passed)because obviously this has made them realise I am not immortal. That I will go when I am an old lady (I hope) and by then they will be grown and will know how to deal with it and will be absolutely fine.
Nope they won't It's awful whatever your age is.
My step mum is younger than my dad and when she got news that her dad was coming to the hospital she broke down and just said I want my dad.
I was sat there while mine was dying thinking yep I do too. God it's all so sad.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 04/11/2023 22:58

I'm a few years down the line , my Dad died during the height of Covid . Apparently that day was the highest Covid death rate .
He was admitted (without Covid ) and died within 3 weeks .

We couldn't visit due to restrictions , I remember being on the phone to him , he was saying he was cold and said "Are you coming to visit me" and I had to explain that I was not allowed .
When his Consultant told me he was on EoL Pathway , I was relieved because I couldn't imagine how my Dad would cope if he recovered .
My Brother and SIL were able to see him as he was on EoL , the Consultant said he maybe had 2 days but he hung on for 5 days .

It was a shite time all round for everyone in Covid times .

Look after yourself , take any help offered and be prepared for the wave to hit you at odd times , the grief.
I thought his funeral would be unbearable (again, Covid ) but the day before we had a reminice about him and even a laugh at some of the funny moments we recalled .

You're starting on a road that a lot of us have walked before you .
You're not on your own

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 04/11/2023 23:01

@henrysugar12 This is how I felt a bit. My Dad had stomach cancer five years ago and he had his whole stomach removed, so it was a steady decline after really. He stopped eating fully about 3 years ago and had a full liquid diet. He weighed 6 stone at the end. I pnlt saw the extent of how frail his body was when he pulled his covers off.
I begged him to eat for years and he jusy wouldn't but he didn't want to die.

OP posts:
Charlingspont · 04/11/2023 23:03

I have been through something like this. The agitation is called 'terminal agitation'. I just wish everyone was taught about it so we could expect it (although whether it's fair to allow people to go through it is a discussion for another time) because it's so shocking when you are there while someone you love is going through it.

So sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like he was a lovely man hanging on to see you and smile.

Barnowlsandbluebells · 04/11/2023 23:03

I'm so sorry for your loss. We all hope our loved ones will die peacefully but the reality is sometimes very different. My lovely dad suffered terribly and the trauma of experiencing this took me a long time to deal with. In time, the happy memories of your life together will bring you a lot of comfort.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 04/11/2023 23:04

@70isaLimitNotaTarget honestly in the early hours when my step mum was asleep and I was just sat watching him and he was calm, the covid families were all I could think of. I can't imagine not being there or him being alone. It's just devastating. I am so sorry you went through this.😔

OP posts:
namechangedforthisnone · 04/11/2023 23:04

It's been 8 months since I lost my dad and nothing is easier for me. He was diagnosed and passed with cancer in three weeks. It's left a huge void in my life and I still feel like I am just getting through every day. It is easier than it was but still so raw. Please be kind to yourself and just go with how you feel

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 04/11/2023 23:06

@Charlingspont Yeah that's it. I had read up on end of life. I wanted to be prepared so I could be calm and support my step mum. And I was calm and I reassured her. But like you say it was whole different story seeing my Dad go through it.

OP posts:
LadyGaGasPokerFace · 04/11/2023 23:06

Sorry to hear about your df. I lost my dm last year and she battled so many illnesses it was a wonder she lived and battled on for so long. She had pneumonia in the end and couldn’t beat it. She was in constant pain and she wanted to be with df who passed away 5 years earlier. It was really miserable for her. I’m glad she’s no longer in any pain.

It’s early doors for you. Take one day at a time and if you need time off work call your GP who will sign you off for bereavement.

Take care 💐