Was this insensitive?

[Yoyoyo1]

When a friend asked how my mum was, when I said she was sad and I was worried about her, she replied, 'well they had a long, good life, at least he didn't die at 48, like my friend's husband".

Dad died in March, he was 82, they were married for 50 years.

Why do people seek to minimise grief?

Because they don't like to think about it, because we are all helpless in the face of it, and yet it is literally the only thing that is guaranteed.

I am very sorry for your loss, and I am sorry for your Mum. No matter how long we get with those we love, it is never long enough.

So sorry for your loss. My dad died in March too at 86. My mum is also sad, and angry at the World and everyone in it. They had been married 62 years.
Your friend was very insensitive. I think it must be so much harder to lose someone if your are older, as you have spent so much longer together.

Grief is devastating for everyone, regardless. I would regard your friend's comment as insensitive in the extreme.

I don't know why but it is playing on my mind. My dad is worth grieving over. He was wonderful.

She's not saying he's not worth grieving over. She's saying he had a good long life.

It was a really really stupid and careless thing for her to say. I’m so sorry for your loss.

They do it because they are uncomfortable with the pain and grief and think they should try to jolly bereaved people up to look on the bright side. All that is needed is for them to have said aw sorry mate that's shit. To hear and acknowledge the grief.

Perhaps she didn't know what to say so fumbled that out and is now cringing hours later?

It's not especially unkind, probably a bit ill thought through. It doesn't mean your mum is wrong to grieve, it means your mum has a lot of years to be thankful for.

Sorry to hear about your dad, your love for him shines through your posts.

Trust me, losing your husband at 52 after 30 years marriage is absolutely devastating too. There is the loss of the future too.
We are dreadful at dealing with grief and death in this country, particularly if you haven’t lost someone who is incredibly special to you. We minimise because we feel uncomfortable and for many, we have to experience a devastating loss in order to understand the most appropriate way to respond to another’s grief.
My mum died in February of this year. I am so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry OP. Not the same but a work colleague described the death of my grandmother as a happy release. FFS.
People are uncomfortable discussing death and say something crass as they don’t know what to say.
Of course you are grieving the loss of your wonderful dad. So sorry.

Insensitive and actually rather spiteful. Not someone I would call a friend after that comment. Grief is personal. Your friend is a twat. I'm sorry about your Dad.

I think that friend hasn't lost anyone close to them before. When my mum died most people I knew just totally avoided the subject. Only those who had lost a close relative or friend knew what to say - even those o didn't know very well. It was pretty interesting to be honest. Even my husband who hasn't lost a closer relative was terrible and basically just hid from my grieving. We're terrible at dealing with death and therefore unless you have direct experience of it you generally say crap things to the bereaved. That's my experience.

People just don't know what to say or say the wrong thing as they are so inexperienced with grief. I lost a child and was either ignored/avoided or had to listen to some dreadful comments by people my own age. A conversation with one person in particular I will never get over. It was beyond thoughtless. On the other hand I had some moving, thoughtful letters and cards by older people, including people I had never met (elderly neighbours of relations etc.) who had been through the same thing. I am sure I may also have said the wrong thing to people when I was younger...

So sorry for your loss. I was watching a fab video the other day by Brene Brown who talks about the difference between empathy and sympathy. She says "rarely does an empathic response start with at least". People say "at least" because they're trying to silver line it. In the face of difficult conversations or when we don't know what to say, we try to make things better. It ends up sounding crass and diminishing what you're going through. And yes insensitive. This is the link to the video.

It was very insensitive of her to say, but if she's supporting her friend I can understand it. When my best friend died at 23 I felt the same, the loss of the future is absolutely crushing. The utter waste of a life not lived for nearly as long as it should have been. And that perspective gave me some comfort when my dad died many years later at 69 - of course we were devastated, but he lived a life, married, had children and grandchildren, walked us down the aisle, had a happy retirement with our mum. My friend didn't get to do any of that, and so much more besides.

But she should have thought it, not said it.

It’s not a competition. Some people seem to think they can top your grief.
It happened to me when my mum passed away. A ‘friend’ said she knew just how I felt as she had been upset when her rabbit died. Apparently she’d only had it a week and was planning living her life with this rabbit. At least I’d had my mum for 60 years.

You really have to question what goes through people mind.

Condolences on the loss of your dad x

No one should compare when it comes to loss. What your friend said was deeply insensitive, but probably came from a very bumbled attempt to comfort you. It doesn't sound spiteful.

When my DH died when I was 37 an older widow said to me 'Well at least you're young enough to start again.' It's unbelievable what people say when they don't know what to say.

They arent minimising they don't know what to say and are being factually correct
Death is awkward for people

I see these posts and think it's just a way of dealing with things. Just because someone expresses gratitude that a person had a long life, it doesn't mean they are minimising the other person's grief.
I lost my mum when I was just 42. When someone said to me that at least my mum had been around to meet my children I didn't take it as spiteful or minimising my grief. It was something to be grateful for, especially as I knew that person had experience of her parent not making it that far.

Basically some people really don't know what to say so they overthink it and seek to minimise it instead. Some say nothing at all and change the subject which is even worse.

When someone dies, you see the best of some of the people around you. You also see the worst. My MIL was particularly insensitive about my grief when my mum died. My DH just didn’t get it at all and thought I should be relieved (my mum had been very unwell). So sorry for your loss OP. Hope you have found kindness in many others.