Memorial service/event but no funeral.

[RobertaFirmino]

Mum died suddenly five weeks ago. She was adamant that she did not want a funeral and I will respect this - she is having a direct cremation next Tuesday.

A van reversed over her and she was killed instantly. Waiting to hear from CPS about charges.

Thing is, people (many who I do not know) keep asking about a memorial event. I agree that one is probably needed (for my own closure if nothing else) but I just don't know what to do.

Has anyone attended a memorial service before? Has anyone ever arranged one? What if nobody comes? I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.

PS: I posted about two months ago about MIL having cancer and the need to prepare for the worst. I promise I'm not some sympathy troll, I've been here for donkey's years.

Ask the people who are asking you to meet you in a pub or cafe and decide with them.
This will be for you and them so get a few together and plan,
Venue
Who will speak and share
Musuc choices
Food and drink

I'm so sorry about your Mum.

I believe funeral homes also offer memorial services though like any cememony/gathering, a DIY one is possible, it would be a lot of work though. Do you have someone who is good at organising events who could help?

https://www.simplicity.co.uk/advice/arrange-a-memorial-service

Sorry for your loss.

We did a very small memorial service for my mum, she had a direct cremation and then we arranged a plaque on a tree at a local arboretum.

Family gathered at the arboretum, my dad said a few words, as did some other family members, mums ashes were scattered (not sure if this was actually allowed or not, can't say I looked into it) and then anyone who wanted to went back to the house for tea/coffee, sharing stories and just generally consoling each other.

I think the thing about a memorial (which is actually what I want!) is that it doesn't have to be an 'immediate' thing like a funeral does. So you don't have to jump into anything just because people think that 'stuff' has to happen. Take your time, you've had a terrible, terrible shock. Let the cremation happen, then see how you feel in a couple of weeks.

Anyone who asks or messages just say 'yes, that's a great idea. I'll definitely have a think about it, great to know you're there if I need any help organising it'

It doesn't have to happen on anyone else's timescale.

I've been to a memorial service. The funeral had already taken place elsewhere at a location that very few people were able to attend.

The memorial service was in a church a few months later and was just like a funeral but without a coffin. A wake was held afterwards in a pub.

Personally I think a service of some kind gives people the opportunity to show they care and is a form of saying goodbye. Without one it feels incomplete.

You do what you feel is right for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

Went to one recently, a few months after a direct cremation.

Village hall, catering done by us (friends), video guy hired to stream it online for friends and relatives abroad and manage sound etc. Short film of photos put together, Celebrant hired. There was a sort of official eulogy and people who wanted to give their own.

Went very well.

See I don't understand this, if the person doesn't want the fuss of a funeral then surely,as someone else just said above, a memorial is the same as a funeral without the coffin.

I think you should think about what you want op and not just think you have to organise one because other people expect it. But also think about what your mum would want who has specifically told you that she didnt want a funeral.

My dad had a direct cremation, with his consent as he knew he was dying, and no memorial has taken place, I can't say I feel any different about 'closure' to others who have had funerals.

Sorry for your experience, that must have been a dreadful shock for you🌸

@Mossstitch actually that's a good point - if she was adamant she doesn't want a funeral then isn't a memorial a funeral by another name?

That said, I'm a great believer in doing what you want to do for closure. That could just be you doing something by yourself - you don't have to go through organising a memorial if it won't help YOU.

(For me, I want a memorial rather than a funeral because I want more than three songs, a LOT of speeches, and for it to take more than the usual 30 minutes.)

I'm really sorry for your sudden loss.

I think it's lovely that you want to honour your mum's wishes but I think it's right that most people like some kind of 'send off'. But you don't have to do it straight away and in a few months time you could even organise a 'life service' which is less memorial or more celebrating her life.

My mum was always very clear about her funeral wishes. She didn't want 'weeping and wailing' (as she put it!) and so when she also died suddenly, we had a bit of a head start and despite the horror of it all, knew what to do. We had a small cremation service and the only people invited were those who could say (genuinely) that they loved her. We then had a bigger celebration of life service at her church, with lively singing, some poems, an open mic (where people could share their favourite stories of her) and then a nice buffet. We also set up a fundraiser for her favourite charity and raised nearly £2000. The whole mood was warm, loving and respectful but with hints of my amazing mum's sense of humour.

Obviously walks this road differently and our choice is not going to be appropriate for everyone but this would defo have given my mum a big smile! I think the key part is that you've honoured her wishes of no funeral and then how you choose to honour her life (whether that's now or later on) is up to you.

This sounds like a good option. My Dad had a bench at his bowls club and my sister said a very few words about how Dad valued his friends there and he'd been a wonderful husband and father and food and drinks at club.

I have told my lot that I don’t want a funeral but I’ve said they should all go out for a nice meal on me!

Please don't do this. It's nota free for all.

Funerals are solemn, sad occasions.

Memorials / celebrations of life are happy, reflecting on the good times.

I don't want a funeral or memorial service.
I personally think certain people in this line of business are greedy and take advantage of the vulnerability of the bereaved at a difficult time.
I think a direct cremation can be so much more personal.
We had a funeral for my husband, l didn't feel anything, it kind of felt rushed and there were a lot of people there l didn't know. It was awkward, if anything.
Scattering his ashes however in private, just surrounded by close family members felt a lot more authenthic.

I’m so sorry for your loss you don’t need to rush into anything.

I hate the rise of direct cremation. Funerals are for the living not for the dead. Personally I found I couldn’t start to process what had happened to my Mum or start to process of moving forward until after her funeral. Although I appreciate everyone is different.

A celebrant will help you with the speaking bit. If you talk to the undertakers who will be arranging the care and cremation of your Mum they will be able to recommend some good celebrants. You could combine it with the scattering of her ashes.

My parents attended a memorial for a friend who had donated their body to medical science and my DH attended a memorial in the UK for a childhood friend who had since emigrated so his funeral was the other side of the world. Both were well attended.

Me too @Robotalkingrubbish , no way do I want any kind of ceremony. I’m agnostic and hate being the centre of attention. I’m planning to leave my body to research, failing that then direct cremation.

I guess we did this when my father died, but what we did may be quite different from what you would want to do, or may be too much like a funeral for your mother's taste.

We arranged a direct cremation with no-one attending and (I think) the previous day held an event "in memory and celebration". I tried to avoid the word "service". So it was only a few weeks after his death.

We arranged it like any other event really. Booked a nice but informal venue (actually a barn with nice gardens). There was a formal-ish bit where I introduced various people to speak plus a photo slideshow with music. Before and afterwards we played music he liked. Lots of it. And there was a longer slide show running in the background. The venue served tea/coffee afterwards and we brought prosecco and other people brought cake. It was a lovely afternoon.

Managing numbers was pretty tricky as we sent out invites to key people who then passed them on to others and though we asked for RSVPs some people came without, which was fine. We had more than we expected, but just about squeezed them in.

We did it like that because we knew we didn't want anything religious or formal. There was one quite nice cemetery in the area, but we had used that for my mum and my sisters were a bit weird about going back there. Just too depressing I think. And all the alternative cemeteries locally were even more depressing! Plus we liked the idea of giving everybody simple refreshments at the same place and you can't do that at a cemetery. We tried to find places that would do an event with a coffin there, but nowhere suitable would. And actually, in the end, it was much nicer to do an event without any undertaker or coffin involved. Felt much more "normal".

People were invited to visit the coffin at the undertakers if they really wanted to. My sisters and I did a final goodbye there in the morning of the event. I don't think anyone else did, and it was pretty weird. But maybe was still good to have a moment. I wrote a letter!

Sorry, that was very long. I hope it was helpful. The point is that anything goes and you can do what you want. You can suggest someone else organize it if they think it is important and you aren't bothered.

Agree with the others, there is no rush.
In fact, even with a funeral you can wait longer than you think. My dad's death was very sudden and unexpected too. My sisters and I struggled for a while knowing what to do. Once we realised that a funeral really didn't have to be organized within a couple of weeks it took a lot of the pressure off.