Would he be proud of me?

[mandydandy]

Today is an odd day for me. 20 years since my dad died. I was very young when dad died and many things were left unsaid.
My dad and I didn't have a great relationship. I discovered he was having an affair when I was 12. Told mum 2 years later when he was becoming more and more abusive towards her. We left the family home when she was undergoing cancer treatment. I was blamed by my dad for breaking up the family.
He then absolutely doted on my much younger sibling whilst barely even acknowledging my existence.
We had zero relationship by this point.
Years later, I tried to let him back into my life. Many hurtful things had happened. He made sure I didn't get invited to wider family events. I got no gifts, no cards from them all. My sister did. He watched my sister sing in a concert. I then came on to sing a solo. He stood up and walked out as my music started. Etc etc.
However, I still loved him and craved him saying just once that he was proud of me. Even just saying something nice to me.
It never happened. He was a very stubborn and proud man. Saying anything like that would have been almost an acknowledgment that he had done something wrong. That would never have happened.
At 21, I did the adult thing of trying again. I made all the effort but he didn't reject me so progress.
I think we might have eventually got to an ok place. It was slow progress but there was progress.
Then he got sick, deteriorated very quickly and died. So much left unsaid. So much hurt still there. I've since lost my mum. That was very different. I was/am always missing her but I know 100% that she loved me.
With dad I dont know if he even liked me. He told me I was a bad person, that I was fat, that I was ugly. That I was a narcissist that destroyed relationships. I hope he was wrong but I always have a nagging doubt that deep down I am an evil person. I have gone through dark periods where I completely loathe myself, thinking everyone would be better off without me. I have to constantly fight that feeling.
So yes 20 years and i don't know how I feel. He has missed out on grandchildren. He has missed out on me getting married. He has missed out on seeing me as an adult. But would he have spent the last 20 years tearing me down more or would we have sorted things out. I will never know. And that sucks.
It is pathetic. I am in my 40s, happily married, 2 beautiful children, job I love, lots of friends but I just want to know that my daddy loved me. And I have an awful feeling he didn't and he never would have. So now I spend my time trying to get acceptance from someone who isn't here. It is crazy.

I'm sorry you went through all that. I can't imagine how it must feel to be continually rejected by your father and in such cruel and calculating ways, especially as a child. You sound like a lovely person and tbh if anyone was evil it was your father. Your pain seems very deep rooted Op and i think you'd really benefits from some counselling. Is that an option?

I had a small amount of counselling a few years back but actually found it so upsetting. We might have got somewhere but only had 4 sessions. That was all I got through the NHS. It seemed a bit like having a big tidy of cupboards you make more of a mess before putting it back. I only got the taking everything out bit but never got to making it better.
It made me feel even more worthless tbh which was less than ideal.

I do think that the fact you will never actually get closure because your Dad is dead is quite a problem. I have gone through parental estrangement after a rocky relationship with them but my parents are alive so I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.

I would second counselling but you’re right that you have to be ready for it for it to work. I had six weeks sessions through work once a year for three years and the third year worked the magic. Initially, you’re exactly right with your cupboard analogy. As a starting point to become a bit more ready for counselling, an introspective hobby could help. If you did art or running or something then maybe you could process your thoughts a bit whilst doing that. This would get you more ready for talking to someone else about things. The gym helped me with this so that’s why I’m mentioning it.

In any case, this is a tough road you’re on and it will take a few years to even start healing. I can’t say that my healing will be the same as yours because we’re different people with different experiences. For what it’s worth, I will summarise what helped me and how it worked out in case it helps you.

Basically, I had major relationship problems at work, in love and in friendship as well as with generally trusting the world. This led to generalised anxiety and self sabotage as well as fawning behaviour. I got taken advantage of a lot as I was always seeking my missing pieces in other people. Through counselling, I became aware of how I occupied the role of an obedient and scared little girl in all my relationships. I had no power as I had no boundaries. I built boundaries and also turned my inner voice from a scared little girl into a headstrong and tough woman. I’ve never been happier so it’s really worth persevering.

Your Dad sounds horrid. To bully a child like he did to you is awful. It was his fault he cheated but he’s shifted the blame to you. If he’s that kind of person, I don’t think he would have changed. Whether he would have or not is no longer relevant. You’re the one who’s still here and you need to be who you are instead of letting your inner child dominate. I’m sorry you’ve been through all that and I wish you luck xxx

I do think you need some therapy OP. You are right that 4 sessions can sometimes do more harm than good because you don’t have the time to work through things - can you afford to pay privately?

I am so sorry you went through this. From your description your father was an awful man with no interest in anyone but himself. I doubt he loved your sibling, he was just using them for manipulation. He doesn’t sound capable of love.

Having these unresolved feelings leaves you very vulnerable as you know so please do what you can to afford some help.

Thank you, I'm going to see if I can access more counselling to feel better about myself. I think I have accepted that really I will never know how he felt about me in the end.
I need the counselling to get rid of the self loathing. Rather than closure about my relationship with my dad.
I thank my lucky stars that my darling mum was the most wonderful lady.

It's hard to say if your Dad would be proud of you, because his behaviour towards you was so incomprehensibly cruel. You deserved a better father.

You can be proud of yourself - you've created a brilliant life for yourself, despite the odds. I would be proud of you if you were my child.