My mum died last week

[painttheworld]

And today I am not coping very well. She had been ill for years with metastatic cancer and other issues, very up and down. It was sudden (a fall) but also I had thought I was expecting it. Even so tired of all the crises and worried about things getting worse. Almost hoping for it to happen. We had a rocky relationship but were in a good place for us

So all in all a good death.

But today I feel like an abandoned child. And I am feeling worried about what if my children die? What if my best friend does? What if what if what if ....
I have never been worried about death before.

I left a slightly abusive marriage nearly two years ago and the divorce has been truly brutal, so I know I am feeling very raw anyway. I have autism and ADHD, I am carer to my asd daughter but I feel so so scared. I don't usually feel things very deeply so I think I am just scared of such big sad feelings. I know they will pass.

I am away with DD just now, but have to return to my older children tomorrow and I am utterly dreading it. So I am also a terrible mum. I am going up to my dad next weekend(I was with him when she died and just after). He is very frail and totally heartbroken.

My sister has compassionate leave, and a fabulous husband, no kids, loads of friends. And I am jealous of her (won't let her know). I just want someone to look after me and let me have some time to grieve. I have a boyfriend, but he is in the away so partly feeling like leaving this time is another loss.

That has helped me understand.

I have lost my marriage
I have lost my family home
I have lost being with my children full time
I have lost several friends since leaving him
I have lost most of my confidence in myself as a mother and friend
I have lost any illusions that I passed as normal and could fit in with people
My uncle who I cared for died 15months ago
I have lost my mum

I will miss her, but not even weekly really. And it is no tragedy. But I feel so so alone and lost today. Like it all feels very very exhausting and hard.

Thank you for giving me a place to write it out. I am allowed to grieve my mum, even though I wasn't a normal daughter. I will give myself some kindness this week.

I’m sorry for your loss, mum and uncle. Two significant deaths. Understandably you’re discombobulated
Take care, deep breath when anxious and yes be kind to yourself.
Understandably it’s all very raw and hard to fathom, time helps.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You've had a real kicker of a time and it's totally understandable you're feeling knocked for 6.

Of course you're allowed to grieve - for your Mum, your uncle, for your marriage.

Sending best wishes and positive vibes

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time .

Of course you will need time to grieve - and there is no right or wrong way to feel . Nor is there a time limit on your feelings .

You have recognised that you need to be kind to yourself - and this is very true .

Wishing you all the best