My sister died and everyone expects me to be over it

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I don't know why I'm posting just feel lost and alone.

My sister died not that long ago. She left behind two school-age children.

They're not the first children in my family to be left mother-less in tragic circumstances so I already know through personal experience that there is never going to be anything I will ever be able to do to make this okay for them.

All I can think about is how much better the world would be if I had died instead of her. I feel guilty and ashamed that I'm still here when her children have lost their lovely mum.

Everybody already expects me to just be magically "over it" and unaffected, move on and forget she ever existed. But how can I ever be fine when there are two children whose lives and futures have been ripped apart and I can't make it better for them?

None of us are ever going to be "over" this.

I'm now making mistakes at work and it just feels like proof that I don't deserve to be alive and I'm not worth anything.

💐 So sorry for your loss 💐 A support group and some therapy or counselling would be so valuable for you. And you do matter, and are valuable yourself. Please take care of yourself.

Don’t despair, my SIL was so sad 5 years ago but she’s now found peace and it’s strengthened our relationship.

I lost my sister a few months ago. My parents died a good few years ago now, and although I have a loving DH and DCs, I feel lost and unable to come to terms with the fact that nobody in my life now knew or remembers me as a child. That makes me feel sad but also indulgent, as many people are in the same position.

My grief hasn't surfaced until recently as I was so worried about my BiL and her (grown up) children. But I feel so sad for her, missing out on the rest of her life and for all of us, living without her.

I'm so sorry OP, that you're going through this too. I think many people see you getting on with life and appearing ok, when you're very much not. I can be laughing and joking one minute and sobbing the next. Take care.

I can empathise to some extent with the feeling you'd like to swap places. My partner's mum had stage 4 cancer and died last year after a 2yr battle. She had 3 children, 4 grandchildren, and many many people who loved her deeply. She was a wonderful woman. I have cancer but have been told I'll get better and survive. I feel terribly guilty I get to survive and she didn't. Especially as she had so many people who loved her and was 100 times the person I am. I worry sometimes others wish they could swap my position with hers. I don't know if this is a normal feeling or survivor's guilt maybe.

I also think some people struggle talking about those who have died after the immediate aftermath. Either they worry they'll upset you or assume you don't want to talk about it. Maybe it's about being open and honest that you're still learning to live with the grief of losing your sister. And that you want to talk about her. My friend's dad died the day she gave birth to her first child. She said one of the hardest things was people getting awkward and avoiding her when all she wanted to do was talk about her dad.

Another recommendation for a support group. People who haven't experienced this have absolutely no idea - how could they? I've found some really useful things by Julia Samuel, https://juliasamuel.co.uk/, maybe have a look around.

I’m sorry for your loss.
My younger brother died 4 months ago, and it hit me like a truck. He was only 42, and left behind a 23 year old son and 20 year old daughter. His first grandchild is due in December.

Seeing my parents grieving, seeing my other brother and sister grieving, watching my nephew prepare for his child makes me so sad, and also angry.
He should be here.

I’m also angry with him because his death was as a result of drugs. But mostly, I just miss him very very much. Life just isn’t the same now, and I don’t think I’ll ever again be the person I was before his death.

I’m sorry I don’t have any real words of comfort. It absolutely sucks that they’re gone, and we’re still here trying to live without them.

Are there bereavement support groups you could join perhaps where you could be free to talk about her with people who will understand? That might give you an outlet.

I'm sorry those around you are being so unhelpful - people are uncomfortable talking about death and tend to brush it away when it doesn't affect them and probably think they're doing you a favour, which it's not at all.

I am so sorry OP. A similar thing happened in my family. Not exactly the same as you losing your sibling but really crap. With family help and counselling the children are now doing OK. Their lives will never be the same again but they have found a new normal.

My DH lost his mum when he was young, and his aunt has been the most wonderful kind of surrogate mum to him and his sibling. And she is now a brilliant grandmother to our DC - dont underestimate the importance of a loving and supportive aunt, you can be an extremely important presence in those children’s lives in the days and years to come. So sorry for your loss x

Sorry for your loss OP.

My sister died nearly 2 years ago. I’m still not over it I don’t think you ever can be. Could it be that it’s not that your work colleagues have expected you to get over it but that it makes them uncomfortable? I suspect that happens a lot.

It sounds as if you have "survivor's guilt" as well as the awful sadness you must be suffering at the moment. As others have said I think councelling might help.

I’m so sorry OP. Of course this will never be over.

Survivor’s guilt is a very real thing, too.

My practical suggestions would be to find different people to whom you can direct your conversations about your sister. Work is just work, it’s good you told them and got compassionate leave but at the end of the day a company has no feelings, and can never ‘care’ about its employees, and colleagues, no matter how nice, are not real friends. They’re trying to move the conversation on past this because they and you are all at work to work. Of course you still need to talk about your sister - just don’t do it at work.

Friendships too can be surprisingly shallow when times are tough and perhaps your friends aren’t willing to be supportive or step into the role of counsellor. That sucks but I have lost friends by assuming it was ok to tell them about my problems often… Don’t be me. Find support from the people who are willing to offer it: counsellors, grief support groups etc.

I know how you feel. I've been though similar. It took a number of years to feel ok. Looking back, I wish I had realised how long it would take because the process went on for so long that I began to think it would never, ever get any better. The survivor's guilt was appalling. That changes over time.

So you only took 2 weeks off? Do you get sick pay? Most people at my work place take at least 3 months after a bereavement. I really think you would benefit being signed off by your GP if this is possible.

Also, I’m sure people do care, but they might be avoiding talking about it because they think it will upset you. Did your work send you a card or any flowers? I bet people do care more than you think xxx

My sister, too, passed away 10 years ago in a horrific way. She died in her home, it was a house fire, she couldn't get out due to MS. She was experiences symptoms that only got worse and worse and worse. Not only did I have survivor's guilt, and wished it were me, also I have guilt due to not being there on time to sit with her. Due to her MS, we never left her alone. I was late the day of the fire. I was supposed to stop by after work to be with her, but I selfishly didn't feel like going to her right away. What that choice cost me. I'll forever miss her as I will forever love her. I'm trying to forgive myself.

I am so sorry for your loss, it is so hard. Have you considered joining a grief group- this is one that I found helpful, the guy who runs it is really kind and has written some books on grief, it is a lot less than even an hour of therapy ( around 23 a month) and a safe place to be among others who are in the same boat, it is so hard when others do not get what you are going through https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/tenderhearts?fbclid=IwAR2VJXLUCgiA08eMeF4zRN_rGlXPr6Kam_b69Q9tzgPW-rwfuX0SqOTX-Tg

OP - I lost my brother 10 years ago. Like many here, I wouldn't expect you to just get over what's happened. Is it just me, or is sibling loss particularly badly supported? Even now it feels like yesterday for me, but IME we learn how to cope with our loss, not get over it. Which all sounds a bit gloomy, I think it's also possible to cope with a loss, and live happily! I have discovered a capacity for managing complex emotions effectively. But it sounds like it's early days for you, hang in there. I'm sorry for your loss.

My counsellor has been saying that for weeks. There’s lots for other types of loss E.g. patent, child, partner but not much written about sibling loss.

Sorry, jumping on your thread a bit here OP, but it seems like a good place to ask.

Does anyone else get@ the pressure of being the ‘child left behind’?

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

In my experience, many people respond to a bereaved person in the way that they would hope others would respond to them if they were bereaved: e.g., I have a relative who I hadn't spoken to for years before my brother's death who is now constantly inviting me out for dinner and asking me to discuss my feelings. This is exactly what she would want people to do if she had lost a sibling, but personally I am very introverted and just want her to stop.

So, I wonder if your co-workers are the type of people who would not want to discuss bereavement openly or frequently if it were them, and they assume that it's also what you want (?)

@RafaistheKingofClay Yes, it is a lot of pressure! One of my first thoughts after learning of my brother's death earlier this year was "now my mother is going to pressure me to have children". And indeed she started "hinting" within about one week of his death that it would be lovely if I met someone and had children soon. She is obsessed with the idea of grandchildren and also tried to look into preserving his sperm after his death, though thankfully this was not possible. Absolutely the last thing I needed on top of the bereavement 😒