My sister died and everyone expects me to be over it

[confused163247533]

I don't know why I'm posting just feel lost and alone.

My sister died not that long ago. She left behind two school-age children.

They're not the first children in my family to be left mother-less in tragic circumstances so I already know through personal experience that there is never going to be anything I will ever be able to do to make this okay for them.

All I can think about is how much better the world would be if I had died instead of her. I feel guilty and ashamed that I'm still here when her children have lost their lovely mum.

Everybody already expects me to just be magically "over it" and unaffected, move on and forget she ever existed. But how can I ever be fine when there are two children whose lives and futures have been ripped apart and I can't make it better for them?

None of us are ever going to be "over" this.

I'm now making mistakes at work and it just feels like proof that I don't deserve to be alive and I'm not worth anything.

Sorry for your loss and for that of the children who lost their mother. Grieving is hard and emotions can be mixed and complicated and other people’s responses don’t always help. Maybe contact cruse or at least start by looking at their website https://www.cruse.org.uk/

if you are feeling really low do contact the Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/
Your family don’t need to lose anyone else , hope you’re feeling better soon

I am so sorry for your loss

No one should tell you to be "over it" - who is "everybody"? It takes a long time until the pain gets a little bit better - that is the wrong term, I mean one learns to live with it a bit.

I think you should get help because thinking you should not be there sounds like depression. You cannot switch places. If you were gone too, then the children lost not only their mum but their aunt, too.

Oh love

Have you/would you consider counselling to help you with your grief? If you're struggling at work maybe talk with your GP and take some time off. If you feel you want/need to be in work then make your line manager aware of how you're feeling and also speak with occupational health.

@confused163247533

i'm so so sorry to hear about your sister.

my god daughters that are sisters irritated the life out if each other as kids, but as adults they're now really close. One has two young girls & the other no children. I can't imagine anything more devastating to the sister without children as losing her sister and her nieces would be further devastated to lose their Aunty as well.

there was no question of you dying in her place & to do so now would just further compound their pain.

just be there for the kids, consistent & loving & you can help them live the best lives they can now.,

who are these people who expect you to be over it, do you think you might possibly be putting those feelings onto them when it's not how they feel? Or have people said as much??

i think grief/bereavement counselling would help.

biggest hugs xx

Who is telling you to get over it?

So sorry for your loss.

I would suggest you seek counselling as this may help you to deal with the grief you are feeling.

Do you live close enough to her children to visit them? Spending time with them, talking and sharing memories about their mum may help them and you deal with your loss x

Everyone at work. They gave me compassionate leave for a few days (which I was grateful for) and the employee assistance line number. Now I'm supposed to just be fine and never mention it again.

Nobody outside work will let me talk about her or how I feel. Nobody seems to care. It's like everyone has already forgotten and I'm supposed to as well but I can't.

It's not fair that she's gone. She was a good person and she deserved to have a long happy life and see her children grow up and be happy too.

Thank you for the kind replies. I feel so alone.

My adored younger sister died almost four months ago, leaving a husband and young son. It's taken me this long to get my head back to work properly. People have been patient and kind. Any one of us would have taken her place if that was an option - but it wasn't. All I can do is make sure I'm there for my nephew, brother in law and parents. It's crap, and I'm getting used to missing her, and I hate that I'm getting used to it. I'm focussing on reminding myself how lucky I was to have her in my life, and making sure I have things that remind me of her all around me. Keep buggering on. X

Sorry for your loss. No you don’t ‘get over’ such a thing. The pain lessens and you live with the loss.

My FiL died 7 months ago & although my job was understanding it did seem that once I'd gone to the funeral my grieving was supposed be be "over". It takes at least a year, maybe more, to make sense of the death of a loved one, according to a counsellor I spoke too.

Yes yes contact Cruse for help. They are great.

I am so sorry for your loss OP.
Your sister's children need you in their lives.
You will never "get over" this, but over time you will manage to live with it and find a new way of getting through the days.
IME the only people who understand are those in the same situation. Most other people just aren't worth even trying to communicate with.
It is 7 years since I lost my son. I cry every single day and probably will do until the end of my life. But I only talk about my feelings with the friends I made who are in the same boat.
There might be some local support groups, either in person or online where you can meet people who get it.
When you lose someone close, life is never the same. You have to relearn how to function, and sadly, you often need to find new friends.

I'm so sorry that you lost your sister, who are these people that won't let you talk about her? Are they close to you? I'd avoid them if you can and maybe seek some help with how you are feeling. X

I’m so sorry for your loss and also that your work environment isn’t helping you more with your grief. Could you try finding a local support group, something via Cruise Bereavement or local church Vicar/community?

I lost my bro just over 5 years ago and in the last year both (very elderly) parents. My line manager and the majority of my colleagues are pretty good and very understanding. One is a bit hard to call, but he’s a fully paid up member of the awkward squad and we expect him to be less engaged with anyone else’s issues.

My advice on grief is to expect it to come at you in different ways. With my parents - in particular - there’s the loss of history; the sensation that, whilst I don’t miss the less pleasant care elements I had to provide, I reach a time of the evening when I’d phone for a check in with them that was also a chat; then there’s the alone feeling of the family unit, once 4, being now just me. With sibling loss it’s the unfairness of someone dying seemingly before their time.

However, you/we are not alone. So many of us out here dealing with bereavement, organisations that can help and then there’s wider family and friends. Good luck and look after yourself. Never think it’s unreasonable to feel your grief, there are no rules or time limits.

@Run4it2 I'm so sorry you've lost your sister too. I'm glad you have kindness around you and are finding ways to keep going, thank you for sharing your experience 💐

@JustKen I'm sorry about your FiL. That's kind of how I feel too, like I was granted a two week window when I was allowed to be grieving and then was supposed to snap back to normal.

@JustKen and I'm sorry that you can relate to the expectation your grief should have been wrapped up and "over" in a convenient timeframe. I'm glad you were able to speak to a counsellor who sounds helpful.

@endofthelinefinally I'm so sorry you lost your son and thank you for sharing your experience with me. I hadn't considered support groups but I can see how that might be helpful if I can find one.

It's so hard to tell if people just don't understand or don't care or both. I think the sense that people don't even care is feeding my feelings about not deserving to still be here. It's so confusing.

Hi, when my sister died I didn’t know how I was ever going to get past it. And you don’t really, you kind of learn how to bear the pain of the loss.
She left behind two teenagers whom I’m close to. Her daughter in particular phones me up to talk about her mum, she cries, I cry, it’s been 18 years now.
I miss the chat, the laughing, the shared history.
Find a group or a counsellor that you can grieve with, don’t bear it all alone, it makes it worse and harder. Most people don’t want to talk about the hard stuff, I guess it’s human nature. So it’s important to find an outlet. For me it was writing, journals full of rage and sorrow.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family.

@Wolvesart I'm so sorry for your losses. I can relate to what you've described, thank you for sharing it's really helpful. I feel like I've lost my past and my future all at once. It's so disorientating.

I will see if I can find any support groups near me.

I am so sorry for your loss. My sister died last December and I know I will never be over it. I understand what you mean about that expectation from others, the world moves on and those of us bereaved feel left behind and unable to pick up the pieces. It is a horrible , isolating and frightening place to be.
If you feel you need more time to grieve then ask to see your GP who can sign you off. Try and be kind to yourself, grief is exhausting. Eat as well as you can, try and get fresh air and sleep.
Your sister was alive and she was special to you, to others and to her children. She won't be forgotten. She will live on through that love and legacy.
Sending you lots of love x

So sorry about your DSIS and the wider family especially your DN

Sadly I think we are just utter crap talking about and dealing with grief. I don't think people expect you to be over it, more they feel helpless and awkward and want to ignore it/sweep it under the carpet.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.
You dsis must've been quite young.
When df died after a long battle with cancer I took the week off went straight back as I was on probation for a new job working with mostly young people so I decided my grieving day was Thursday my day off.
Sounds bizarre.
I would get out photos and trinkets and sometimes have a cry.
This seemed to work for me.
Also posting on here with others who have been through it .
I agree cruse sounds like your next step.
Also I'm convinced your sister wouldn't want you to be miserable.
Take each day as it comes and slowly it gets easier.

@MaryJanesonabreak I'm so sorry you lost your sister too. Your post gives me some hope that we will survive this, I'm so heartbroken for her children. Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm glad that you're close to your sister's children and able to talk about her together. I'm really sorry you've been through this too.

My darling sister who was my best friend died two years ago. I am not ‘over it’ and never will be. My grief was overwhelming for the first year and now is like a constant ache, always there but I am able to be present with my family and at work -although my resilience to stress has been dramatically diminished. It is still very early days so don’t put pressure on yourself to be tiptop, just getting through the day can be an enormous achievement when you are grieving.

Is there anyone in your team that you can share your feelings with and see if you can make work more manageable for you for the short to medium term? I’m sorry that your sister died, to lose a sibling is a lonely and difficult loss that people don’t often properly acknowledge.