Celebrating a deceased loved one's birthday?

[Catdemons]

Hi everyone,

My brother died 6 months ago today; he was in his early 30s, and it was totally unexpected. His birthday is coming up next month, and then Christmas; my parents and I are considering what we might do to mark these occasions for the first time without him.

For his birthday, we're thinking of having dinner at a restaurant where we had previously gone with him, and I'm also planning to make a donation in his memory. He's been cremated and his ashes are at my parents' house, so there is no grave to visit.

I thought I'd ask about this because I was lurking on the recent thread on small ways to feel close to a lost parent... I'm doing a lot of things on a day-to-day basis to feel close to my brother. I couldn't find much in recent threads about celebrating a deceased loved one's birthday (or other special occasions), though, and wondered if anyone would like to share anything that they normally do. Thanks in advance

Sorry for your loss , I found ' the firsts ' very hard after my mother died . Her birthday , mine , Christmas etc .
I think a meal with your parents is a lovely idea , a great way to remember him and share your love.

This is a lovely idea. We go out for a curry on my son's father's birthday each year as that was his dad's most favourite food in the world.

It's nice because you can invite his friends if you like too. We do this. All are welcome.

So sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum last year and it still feels like yesterday. All the firsts are really difficult. On her birthday this year, I planted her favourite rose in our garden and my husband, son and I spent the day together. I didn't want to be alone. Had a family call later in the day (they all live in the same country) and we all told Mum stories.

I’m sorry for your loss. To celebrate my lovely aunt’s birthday I always have a cuppa and some cake for it, and send happy birthday aunts name texts to my sister. She’d always insist upon sprouts for Christmas dinner so I bought a sprout tree ornament. Silly things like that, I’ll even just have a cuppa and chat to her as if she was here, give her updates on how life is going and how much I miss her. She’s been gone for 8 years now, and I’m getting teary writing this.

Sorry for your loss op. I lost my brother when he was 26 so I know that feeling of shock.

My much loved dad also died last year and my SIL kept badgering me about doing something commemorative on his birthday. Me and my mother felt the same way that we just wanted to see it quietly pass by with no great fuss. We thought about him and talked about it being his birthday but that’s it. I know we are probably unusual and I think having a memorial meal is lovely if it it gives you all comfort and brings you together. For us it would’ve been an emotional step too far.

My brother died young. His birthday was very difficult the first few years, but was always a time we would remember him especially (not that you ever forget). I think it's nice to do something together, or just listen to music they loved, or eat food they loved etc. a few years ago we met up with his old friends on his birthday. That was hard but it was good to be with them.

You have to do what feels right for you.
It's so sad losing your brother so young, l am sorry for your loss.
I planted a tiny twiglet of a tree and over the years it has bough me much comfort to see how it has grown and is thriving, alongside all the changes in myself. It's like we weathered the storm together and to see the birds nesting in it is a reminder life goes on, in different ways and that memories stay close in our hearts.

My much loved dad also died last year and my SIL kept badgering me about doing something commemorative on his birthday. Me and my mother felt the same way that we just wanted to see it quietly pass by with no great fuss. We thought about him and talked about it being his birthday but that’s it. I know we are probably unusual and I think having a memorial meal is lovely if it it gives you all comfort and brings you together. For us it would’ve been an emotional step too far.

This is how we felt too.
Obviously, all of us are different., but there is no way we would have wanted to go out to a restaurant for my sister's birthday after she had died. Far too emotional. Far to "empty space at the table" for me, my parents and my siblings.

What I do know though, is that we all grieve differently. You have to do what is right for you.

Hi everyone,

Thanks very much for your kind responses. I'm very sorry for your losses as well, and appreciate your thoughts. It is so helpful to talk to other bereaved people - it's like joining a very supportive club, although you deeply regret your membership in that club.

I love the idea of planting something in his memory and taking care of it and seeing it grow. The website where we published the obituary actually has an option to plant trees in the person's memory, and I ended up doing that today. But they are planting the trees in the northern part of the province where I live in Canada (as part of a reforestation project), and they send you a certificate, but I suppose I'll never actually see the trees. Maybe I should also try this with a houseplant.

And I completely agree that it's up to the individual to decide whether/how to mark an occasion with others. My parents are actually marking the 6-month anniversary of his death now (it is early evening in my time zone), but I decided not to join them because I'm not sure if I'm up to it after the end of the work week, and I'd rather have a quiet night in. Personally, I have a lot of positive associations with my brother's birthday - always had fun finding him a nice birthday card and present, etc. So I guess I feel more positive about doing something for his birthday compared to doing something for the anniversary or half-anniversary of his death.

We cook his favourite meal for his birthday. I have framed his handwritten recipe.

@Catdemons - yes it's good to be where you can actually spend time with the plant or tree, so at home or in a local place loved by the person and you.

Sorry for your loss, it does get easier over time ❤️