Adult sibling loss

[ZoeD18]

This is a bit long winded but I'm desperate for some advise on how to deal with a situation.

My sister passed away last year after a 10 year battle with cancer.

During that time we found out we had the BRCA gene and along with my Mum I had preventative surgery.

When my sister passed there was a lot of friction between myself an my brother in law who she married 3 years prior to her passing.

Myself and my Dad were (what felt like) excluded from anything regarding my sisters passing.
My BIL had made a spreadsheet of visitors. My mum and step dad were not excluded and were involved in the whole process.

I feel like I will never get over the loss of her. In our teens and twenties we were best friends she was my absolute go to person.

However I'm harbouring alot of anger towards my BIL for cutting me out of the final months.

My mum favors him and even on our family holiday he has turned up... be it all for a day but now everything is about him. He went away with my Mum and step Dad inly a.few weeks ago and I've been looking forward to this week with my parents and my children.

I feel like such a cow for not being more compassionate towards him. I struggle with my own mental health and anxiety. I find it difficult to keep a lid on my emotions because I don't want to be the one to cause any further rifts especially after what's been a hideous time for our whole family.

My sister was a one in a million - outgoing, beautiful, funny. I've always been the nervous awkward one in the family.

Any way...I guess I'm looking for ways to move forward from this internal anger.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are all grieving. Go easy on yourself. Could you talk to a grief counsellor?

It's not your job to be compassionate to your BIL. You need to look after yourself first.

Yes, it's not nice that you felt excluded from your sister's final months but you have to hold on to everything you shared in all the years before that, nobody can take that away from you.

Sometimes people do too good a job in acting like they're coping, maybe you need to tell someone, your mum or dad or a friend, that you're struggling with this. They might just be totally unaware that you need support.

Thank you for your comment.

It's odd but words from a stranger feel more comforting in a way x

I lost my sister to cancer last year too - I'm so sorry you've been through the same. It's absolutely heart wrenching to lose a close sibling when they're still quite young (my sister was in her early 30s).

My BIL is very attached to my mother too, and she's perfectly happy to accomodate him even though his disdain for us prior to my sister losing her battle with cancer was pretty clear. Now we're the only connection he has with my sister he's leaning very heavily on us. In my mother's defence, she's probably doing the same. He was the love of my sister's life, she absolutely worshipped him and vice versa. I can understand why my mother wants to keep that part of my sister's memory alive.

I don't have it in me to do the same, it's taking everything I have to keep working and be as stable as possible for my children who are also grieving a much loved aunty. I also harbour resentment for how I wasn't good enough to be his sister-in-law until my sister was fighting for her life.

I'm not sure what the answer is, I don't find counselling helpful for me...but my children are finding it helpful so it might be worthwhile you trying it too.

In the absence of a solution, I'm sending you very un-MN hugs

So sorry if my post triggered anything for you.

It's just awful- my sister was also in her early 30's

Thank you for your comments. Sending love to you x