Confused about how to feel / grieve for my Mum

[MangoMask]

My lovely Mum died on Friday. I am so confused on how to feel / grieve. I haven’t even cried yet, I’ve just been supporting Dad and arranging the funeral and ringing people with the news. In so many ways it’s a blessing for her, I absolutely know this, she had zero quality of life. Every message I receive tells me I must be relieved. Almost insinuating that I shouldn’t be sad. I don’t know how to respond to these messages because I mainly want to shout - she was still my mum and I loved her.

She had suffered from Dementia for several years but still knew us all and could smile and laugh. I went round to bath her every other day and helped Dad with housework and shopping. We were managing (just). After a fall and a severe blow to the head a year ago, she ended up in a nursing home with absolutely nothing of herself left except her body.

I really struggled to visit her there, there was no recognition of anyone or anything, and I came away crying every time. So in the last few months i probably only went every 2 or 3 weeks. Hugely selfish I know and the guilt weighs heavily.

I almost feel I don’t have the right to grieve. For her sake I should be happy she’s released and I feel like I was a rubbish daughter in the last few months.

Has anyone else been through this and maybe able to give me some advice on how the hell I’m supposed to feel ?

Sorry for your loss of your dear mum. You feel how you feel, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. It may only hit you after all the practicalities of your mums funeral, life goes quiet and returns to "normal", and you have time to reflect and revisit happier times. We all have regrets but dont dwell on them but talk about her to others as it helps, and don't put pressure on yourself.

I’m sorry for your loss.

You have probably done a lot of your grieving for her when she was still alive. It sounds like you were a good daughter to her. Don’t beat yourself up over the past few months, the reality is it wouldn’t have made any difference because she wouldn’t have known if you were there or not. Grieving is a process and you should allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, even if it is nothing.
Other people are probably not trying to make you feel bad by asking if you were relieved. The real loss of the person with dementia is the diagnosis. By the time they have died the person is often already gone. She has peace now. You need to look after yourself. You don’t need to bow to anyone’s expectations, you need to focus on yourself and heal.

You can be relieved and sad and angry and devasted and stressed and depressed all at the same time. That is one of the hardest things about grief - it is complex. Please try not to be too upset with those saying you must be relieved - comforting someone after bereavement is hard and people can be clumsy and may think that this is the best thing to say. She was your mum and you loved her deeply, so of course you are devastated. you also know that she had little quality of life so can consider intellectually that this may be an end to her struggle, but you are also stressed with funeral planning and no doubt worried about your dad. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Remember your mum as often as you can, the good times and the bad. That is a life lived, and that is how you honour her. As for not feeling like the best daughter? You loved her. We are all imperfect, but you loved her. The question of how you should feel? No answer, sorry. you will feel all of the things I have mentioned and more besides, sometime all in the passing of a second. PLease be kind to yourself, and come back here if you need to vent or ramble or whatever you need. Also dont forget you are still human and need feeding and watering and sleep. Seems unimportant right now but it is very important

I completely understand OP. My mum died 2 months ago in similar circumstances and I am all at sea with my emotions. I loved her dearly but she had no quality of life for years. Part of me is massively relieved and part of me is devastated my lovely mum is gone

..I agree that a lot of our grieving has already been done by many small increments over the years.

I completely get this.
my mum died 3 months ago, the grief, guilt, relief are a chaotic mess in my head.
I miss her so much :(

it’s not for others to say how we feel, only we can admit that little bit of relief. Our mums, OUR mums

sorry for your loss x

Well lovely people you’ve made me cry at last…thank you so much for all your kind words.

I’m not remotely cross at any of my friends who messaged me, they were being kind. I just felt there was an expectation on me not to grieve like you normally would when you lose a parent.

I think I’d just been feeling so guilty as she’s free from this horrible disease at last I shouldn’t be sad. But I am and I’ll try to get over myself and accept this.

Hi, my lovely dad died on Friday. He had a massive stroke 13 years ago and has been quite disabled since.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I've found the admin and my mums 'noisy' grief quite hard to deal with so you aren't alone I guess is what I wanted to say xx

Sorry for your loss.

However being released from dementia is a blessing, it is still sad when it happens. I know when my mum died, and people gave their condolences, I said that she died 10 years earlier (I think I was probably trying to be brave) - but it was very comforting when they said that it was still sad at the time.

Hopefully the days/weeks to come will be a celebration of her life when she was the real her.

Exactly how I felt when my lovely mum died of dementia last year. Relieved that she was out of her terrible existence but devastated at losing the mum she once was.

When my grandmother died I had similar comments and felt like you. We were very close and I was still very sad she wasn't there any more, even if she had been suffering from dementia for a long time and had been very bad the last couple of years. I felt like I should only feel relief for her. I remember feeling very angry at her funeral because of this. In the long run it made me quite unwell to try and repress these feelings.

I read a book about the shock of grief, no matter the circumstances, and it helped a lot. It gave me permission to be shocked and upset about something that although predictable, had a seismic effect on me.

I hope you feel that you can express your feelings and have some nice supportive people around. Some of those may not always say the right things, but it doesn't change the fact that you are allowed to be sad about the loss of your mum. Condolences and sympathy to you

Just picking up on your guilt about not visiting. I had similar when my dad was in his final days. I think the visiting hours were 24/7 at the hospice though only one family member could stay over so I went in every day. But I couldn’t make myself get there early. It was a real effort to go. Not because I didn’t want to, I doted on my lovely dad, but it was so hard to be there and sit and wait for the inevitable. So I used to get there late morning, a few hours after waking up.

I felt selfish for needing those hours where I was in a bubble of not facing it and have felt a lot of guilt over this. Perhaps I should’ve spent every second I could there.

But you know what, I think my dad would’ve got it. We’re all flawed, we’re not perfect, we don’t live out the Hollywood version of events, and “normal” life gets in the way. I think my dad would’ve known, and respected, that I did what I could at the time. I didn’t and don’t love him any less. I’m sure he would’ve accepted that buying myself some space between visits was a coping mechanism. And our relationship was sooo much more than those last few days and weeks anyway.

I’m sure your mum would’ve understood too op. Be gentle with yourself.