Overwhelmed with loss of both parents

[Groomofthestool]

Dad died unexpectedly in March this year. I miscarried at the funeral. I had another 10 week miscarriage in August. Mum died from MS earlier this month. Both were 74. I feel so adrift. I am an only child so nobody is left who knows what they were really like. I am mid 30s and suddenly no longer feel young. Can a parents death spark a mid life crisis? It's like I was happily blundering through life but now I've lost all my naivety and I can see it's all so cold and pointless. Just been told this week that FIL has stage 4 cancer and not much time left. Everything's a mess. I'm exhausted. Can people come back from this?

Hi @Groomofthestool. I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. Your situation is scarily close to mine. I’ve lost both parents and a FIL in the last 12 months; my mum’s passing was also, like yours, very recent. My parents were only mid sixties and both deaths were totally out of the blue. I’ve also suffered recurrent miscarriage (the most recent in June) so I totally understand that feeling of pointlessness and emptiness. I don’t have any children and it now feels very hard even thinking of trying again when my mum won’t be here to support me or meet any grandchildren. No solutions I’m afraid, only solidarity. It feels awful to say, and I hope you’ll understand, but it’s almost easier knowing there is someone else out there going through the same. At the moment I’m just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other and taking things hour by hour.

I'm so so sorry. That is a really sad situation for you. I'm also an only child and my dad dropped dead unexpectedly recently. He was only 64. My mum has MS and I do not have a good relationship with her. I thought we'd bond over my dad's death and help each other but instead our relationship just massively deteriorated. She doesn't live in the same country as me. I feel incredibly alone.

It's obviously been a lot worse for you as you've lost your babies and I cannot even imagine what that must be like for you. But I do understand the pain of feeling like your childhood and all your memories are just dissolving as there's no one but you who has them. You feel like the rug has been taken from under you. I feel like I don't really know who I am.. just this insecure sick feeling. Its very hard. A large part of your identity is now gone.

When you feel the most alone you ever have in your life, please know that you’re not alone.

I was raised by my grandparents so they were the only parents I had. As a result, I lost both my “parents” in 2019 and then 2020. The pain was shocking, even though I felt I should have somehow been “prepared” for it mentally. I’m also an only child. It’s not just the loss of your parents; I understand. Part of what causes that mid-life crisis feeling is that you suddenly realize you can never go “home” again. When people talk about going “home” to their parents for Christmas, or going “home” just to visit their parents; it feels that you’ve lost an anchor in the world.

But.
Even though it still hurts, and even though I’ve had a heaping load of shite since then, I still believe the phrase, “It will be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” You will discover new anchors, you will slowly (and sometimes painfully) redefine home. The phrase “our little family” makes me grit my teeth, but I never say anything negative about it, because some people have had to assemble their own “little family,” brick by brick, by themselves, in the middle of a storm. I get it.

You will always miss your parents. The grief will feel less… raw? as time passes. It will still be painful, but not such a fresh wound. And you’ll know home when you find it. You may find it several times. It won’t be what you lost with your parents, but it will be a different kind of belonging.

I've been lurking without speaking for a long time on this board. Another only child; lost my dad years ago, now losing my deeply loved Mum and I feel as if I'm dissolving. The world suddenly feels like a very cold alien place. Thank you, everyone. You have made me feel a little less alone today.