My DH died 18mths ago - it feels like he's been forgotten

[grieving51]

My DH died at the age of 55, 20 months ago. We have two DC, DS13 and DD 10. His illness and treatment, which lasted 3 years was traumatic (additionally traumatic for me to think about now, as his last years on earth were utterly shit as we couldn't do anything because of covid) and I now have PTSD from watching him deteriorate and die. I guess the details aren't important, but it's always at the forefront of my mind to explain it all: how it was unexpected (his diagnosis wasn't terminal) and just how much he suffered over a long period of time, both physically and mentally - anything bad that could happen to him, happened. How he was the most lovable, energetic and amazing dad and family man.

But none of that is important really. not to anyone else anyway. I know the world moves on, but no-one talks about him anymore - not even our children - I try to bring him up all the time, but they just glaze over. I know this is just their way of dealing with it, but it's hard when he was such a good good man, and dad, and he just feels...forgotten. My parents are incredibly unsupportive of me - both practically and emotionally (even though they would say they are the opposite) and that hurts. They don't talk about him to my kids.

Many close friends my DH and I shared, have all but disappeared. Some remain, but they get on with their lives, of course, and i still feel so alone in my grief. I have had/ having therapy (which is bringing up the parental neglect I experienced growing up), but this feeling of him being forgotten only gets worse. And surely, it will only get worse as time goes on and he becomes a distant memory to everyone.

I think i still feel a lot of guilt about how he died and how he died so young and how scared he was and how I couldn't help him, and just how lucky I am to see our children grow up. But they were his world and he doesn't get to see any of it. And I can't quite conflate the idea that my kids don't want to /can't talk about him and no-one wants to talk about him to us, and how important he was as a person.

I've asked close friends and family to continue to bring him up and talk about him, and they said they were worried to in case it upset me, but I said I would prefer them to do so. But since then, no-one has mentioned him - when I do, it just gets glossed over. I know I need to get my kids talking about him/ get some photos out etc, but they really seem to resent me doing anything dad-related. Both have had some counselling, so they have had space to talk about him. So maybe I don't need to push it? I also went on a few events for widows, but didn't really get that much out of it. I found them difficult, and mixing with a group of strangers, with death in common, a bit strange, I guess. Maybe i just didn't find "that" person / widow who I can relate to. I don't know. Anyway, I'm not even sure I know why I'm posting, just wondered if anyone had a similar experience to me. Thanks so much.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through and what you have lost. Your post has touched me through your eloquence and the way you have articulated your obvious love through your words. Wishing you the very best in life

My ds 13 has been ill for the past
3 years and recently received a terminal diagnosis.

I have two other sons, 9 and 16. They both can't speak about their feelings - childrens brains are not fully developed and they still have very black and white reasoning.

With my older son, I name my own feelings and ask him if he ever feels that way? Keeping it short and simple helps them learn how to recognise their emotions.

Try not to hope for confirmation from your dc about how they feel - they will be looking at you and wondering if you are ok.

But equally, don't stop talking about him, it's so important they know their Dad loved them. Stick to closed statements about your lovely dh and keep them short and as breezy as you can manage.

Speaking to children who lost a parent young, I am always struck by the silence that surrounded their grief. You are doing the right thing by talking.

Also, I had/have fucked up parents. Don't them them occupy emotional space. My friend was widowed at 50 and she has gone no contact with her parents

• they were emotional leeches. I am no contact with my Mother already and certainly couldn't cope with her malign attentions now.

Keep going and I hope we both find the light in life again sometime soon.

Everyone deals with losing loved ones differently. My sister lost her DH at 41 and her youngest child was 7. The 7 year old wanted to talk about his Dad a lot but her 2 older DD's couldn't because it hurt them too much. It wasn't because they didn't think of him, they did. My older niece told me 2 years after his death it still hurt her so much, she felt it she spoke about him she'd lose control and lose herself too. Maybe your DC feels that way too. My sister didn't cope well for several years but after about 3-4 years she finally accepted he had gone. He died suddenly and hadn't been ill so she was in great shock for a long time. Could you put together a photo book for your DC for when they are older and ready to look and talk? Sorry for your huge loss.

I am so deeply sorry, I can only imagine how difficult losing your husband must be💐

OP you sound so amazing. I love how you talk about your husband.

Is there a support group you could join?

You grieve in your way, on your timetable and tell people what you need from them.

I haven’t read the whole thread so I am sorry if I am repeating suggestions.

I am so sorry you lost your DH, he sounds like a fantastic husband, dad and friend. And I’m sorry that you feel he is being forgotten. That must be excruciating for you, when I imagine you must want to talk about him constantly. I lost my mum 2 years ago and talk about her every day. I won’t and don’t apologise for this.

Your children not talking about their dad is probably not that uncommon. A previous poster summed it up so well - they won’t want to be reminded by the pain and the emotions when they are doing fairly standard stuff…homework, getting changed for bed, eating dinner etc.

It doesn’t mean they love him any less.

Would you confused starting to write a memory book and your DH? Get all the lonely memories, personally traits etc down on paper?

Your post about your dh is lovely, OP. I’m so sorry that you lost him too soon. He sounds wonderful

This thread is making me realise I need to take more pictures of DP.

You write about your husband so eloquently OP. He sounds like a lovely man and a wonderful father. Your children won't have forgotten him - I'm sure, as other posters have suggested, that they'll talk about him more when they're older and their emotions are less raw.
I liked the idea of creating a memory book for them with photos and so on... it might be therapeutic for you to put together and a lovely thing for your children to have in the future. When my dad was terminally ill a long time ago, he created a big album of photos and anecdotes about his side of the family. I love looking at it still... all those people who might otherwise have been forgotten - my grandparents, aunts, uncles etc - are kept alive there. And I can hear my dad's voice too.
I'm so sorry about your husband's close friends who weren't there for him in his final days. That must have been hard to bear. Some people are very afraid of death and can't face being made to think about it. That doesn't make it any less painful but try to remember that they probably suffered too, and even more so for withdrawing from the situation. Perhaps that might help you to forgive them.
Wishing you and your family all the best, and keep on talking about your husband and keeping his memory alive. I'm sure your children will be grateful for that in the future.

I was bereaved 23 months ago, same sort of time as you. Her last years were marred by Covid, we couldn’t go out and about. Most importantly we couldn’t get medical attention and that contributed to her death, if the pandemic hadn’t happened maybe she would have got diagnosed and medicated and lived longer. Under the circumstances she wasn’t diagnosed until literally right before her death, so she missed out on drugs which could have reduced her pain and extended her life.

It devastates me that I didn’t help her more when she was ill because I was too afraid of Covid to go out and persist with asking doctors for more tests. And I’m scared that I’m forgetting her, or that I will forget her as time goes on. I’m still absolutely heartbroken but nobody else is. Sorry, there’s no easy answer but I know how you feel.

Thank you, op.
You have written something so true and direct and eloquent that it went straight to my heart and landed there, in a way that few things do.
I lost my brother 23 years ago, in a car crash, and he has been forgotten. When I die, no one will remember him. Even the people I know who touched many lives, great teachers and artists, are largely forgotten. It is one of the saddest things to accept in life, that if we are lucky there are 2 or 3 people in the world who remember us for a short time.

Does your dh have parents or siblings still alive? He, and you, sound like such wonderful people. I find myself wishing you were my friend and we could sit and talk together. I would love to hear about your husband.

OP your husband sounds lovely. It’s good to hear what a wonderful father he was, your children will treasure those memories with him.

I would consider writing a ‘memory a day’ book that you can pass on to your children when they are older. I am sure they will appreciate that and it might also be cathartic for you.

I would also tell your friends (the good ones) you feel he is being forgotten and you need to speak about him. Most people don’t know how to react around grief and are probably nervous broaching the subject with you and will take their cues from you.

Setting out clearly what you need and how you are feeling can be very helpful for your friends to provide the right support.

It can be difficult for people to talk about those passed away, partly for fear of upsetting the relatives, and for us Brits, we’re not good at talking about death generally.

I’m sure people haven’t forgotten him.Do you talk about him in public? If you don’t, maybe they are following your lead and respecting your silence, thinking you don’t want to talk about him.

Sorry for your loss.

Your DH sounds a wonderful man. How many memories the children will have of him just being there for them. I'm so sorry how hurt you're all feeling. I wondered if it's difficult for the children to talk about him, whether there are any special places connected to him, where you could go and dwell together and think about him without the need to form words?

Don’t know if you are British but we not very good at this in our culture. Other cultures are better at jointly and publicly remembering people - the day of the dead in Mexico for instance.

We do though. Day of the dead is 2nd November. * *

In the UK et al, All Souls Day is 2nd November. Is a day of prayer and remembrance for the faithful departed observed by certain Christian denominations. Its the same thing really just different cultural aspects in Mexico but it is the same fundamentally.

I guess if you aren't religious there is less opportunity to formally remember and recognise. But it does exist. Over 80% of Mexicans are Catholic and it is a huge part of their cultural heritage.

On All Souls Day I tend to go to church and before the service starts you are invited to write down the names of people who have died whom you wish to be remembered in prayer.

Grief is a strange. Some want to move on, other want to remember and keep the memory alive in daily life. The children are just doing what works for them.

Even if you're not religious, you would be most welcome to sit in Church on a special day to remember your husband. You don't need to be a Christian. No one would turn you away. Just something that would help you remember and acknowledge.

2nd November is soon if you wanted to go.

I am.so sorry for your loss.

Your post made me cry, OP - you sound so sad. I’m so sorry for your terrible loss. Of course you still want to talk about him - could therapy perhaps be an option as that would give you the chance to open up to someone?

I lost my wonderful dh in June, he was 42. We have been together 28 years this year, married for 25 September just gone. Our children are 17, 22 & 24, the eldest has her own home and never comes to see me or text. Even when I offer to pop out for coffee, the younger 2 live at home and I hardly see or speak to them. They also don't want to talk about dad. Friends that we have had for over 20 years have disappeared completely.

I KNOW how you are feeling, the loneliness is killing me. I'm 44 and already wishing my life away. I have joined an online group for widows today to try and meet some new friends that will understand and be happy for me to talk about my dh. It's been 150 days and it's as if people expect me to be over him already. We met at 15 I've never been an adult alone, I have no idea how to do this.

I'm sorry you are going through this shit also, feel free to pm me if you think it would help.x

We all handle grief differently, and for your children that might be not talking about it too much right now. The second year is brutally hard, for many even more so than the first year. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Be prepared that it might hit your children later. One of my teens refused to talk about it and was in denial for about 18 months. He couldn't hide forever though and it suddenly all impacted at once.

I don’t think you can push the children to talk abut it. Mine were similar ages when DH died. The one who was 9 honestly, barely remembers him and I can honestly day that the vast majority of it has passed him by. As he gets older he talks about him a bit and looks through old videos and photos but it does have to be led by him. My one who was 13 talks a bit more but again it has been incredibly slow. We have always talked about him in general conversation but you can’t push it, 20 months is terribly soon. We are nearly 5 years down the line and I think it’s only in the last 6 months or so they’ve really processed it and it’s when they see things he has missed or been around for,

My parents are also dreadful, it’s like he didn’t exist and they knew him for over 20 years. They don’t mention him, they don’t contact me on his birthday or anniversaries even though they know when they are. They never ask if I am ok. I’ve had so many rows with them about it but it doesn’t make a difference. They don’t talk about him to the children either.

My friends are good, but it’s so so hard. I do understand

The thing is, OP, that you can't control how others react to someone's death.

But you can try to help yourself. It sound like you need ongoing counselling/therapy - both for your loss, and for your upbringing.

Thank you for writing about your dh. He sounds wonderful.

He will never be forgotten while you breathe.

I don't know yet if there will ever be a day when I don't think of my dh, but it hasn't happened yet. I have my own dates and places when I remember him. My favourite photo of him and ds is on the wall by the front door. His paintings are all over the house.

For a long time I read poetry more than anything else. Poems that seemed complicated become really simple when you are reading them in pain. If you know Dirge Without Music by Edna St Vincent Millay, it expresses exactly what you are talking about I think. 💐