My DH died 18mths ago - it feels like he's been forgotten

[grieving51]

My DH died at the age of 55, 20 months ago. We have two DC, DS13 and DD 10. His illness and treatment, which lasted 3 years was traumatic (additionally traumatic for me to think about now, as his last years on earth were utterly shit as we couldn't do anything because of covid) and I now have PTSD from watching him deteriorate and die. I guess the details aren't important, but it's always at the forefront of my mind to explain it all: how it was unexpected (his diagnosis wasn't terminal) and just how much he suffered over a long period of time, both physically and mentally - anything bad that could happen to him, happened. How he was the most lovable, energetic and amazing dad and family man.

But none of that is important really. not to anyone else anyway. I know the world moves on, but no-one talks about him anymore - not even our children - I try to bring him up all the time, but they just glaze over. I know this is just their way of dealing with it, but it's hard when he was such a good good man, and dad, and he just feels...forgotten. My parents are incredibly unsupportive of me - both practically and emotionally (even though they would say they are the opposite) and that hurts. They don't talk about him to my kids.

Many close friends my DH and I shared, have all but disappeared. Some remain, but they get on with their lives, of course, and i still feel so alone in my grief. I have had/ having therapy (which is bringing up the parental neglect I experienced growing up), but this feeling of him being forgotten only gets worse. And surely, it will only get worse as time goes on and he becomes a distant memory to everyone.

I think i still feel a lot of guilt about how he died and how he died so young and how scared he was and how I couldn't help him, and just how lucky I am to see our children grow up. But they were his world and he doesn't get to see any of it. And I can't quite conflate the idea that my kids don't want to /can't talk about him and no-one wants to talk about him to us, and how important he was as a person.

I've asked close friends and family to continue to bring him up and talk about him, and they said they were worried to in case it upset me, but I said I would prefer them to do so. But since then, no-one has mentioned him - when I do, it just gets glossed over. I know I need to get my kids talking about him/ get some photos out etc, but they really seem to resent me doing anything dad-related. Both have had some counselling, so they have had space to talk about him. So maybe I don't need to push it? I also went on a few events for widows, but didn't really get that much out of it. I found them difficult, and mixing with a group of strangers, with death in common, a bit strange, I guess. Maybe i just didn't find "that" person / widow who I can relate to. I don't know. Anyway, I'm not even sure I know why I'm posting, just wondered if anyone had a similar experience to me. Thanks so much.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dear Dad just after covid and I had to watch him suffer too, and now my mum is terminally ill. I feel I’m in a parallel universe sometimes. I have heard of what’s happening to you, happening to a friend’s friend. Exactly the same type of thing, grown up children all getting on with their lives. I’m so sorry, don’t know what to suggest. I know this other lady has restarted work to keep her mind occupied.

I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m sure your children will want to discuss their dad when they are older, this is perhaps just their way of coping for now. Hearing you speak about their dad with love and warmth will be very important to them.

Would you like to share anything about your DH here? Not anything outing of course but if it helps to speak about him please do.

Thank you for your replies.
I'm sorry, I had to delete the last post as it contained too many personal details.
I would like to try to share some words about my DH, but will do it in a while when I can think about it. Thank you.

Your kids not wanting to talk about their Dad shows what a great job you’re doing. As for your friends and family - fuck them. Focus on you, your kids - nobody else matters.

A friend of mine organised a charity party in honour of a friend that died, inviting all their friends and family to dress up, have a party and raise money for the illness they died from. She started doing it as an annual thing and everybody has a good time dressing up, socialising and drinking, but they also have photos of the friend displayed and give a speech sharing memories about them. It's lovely.

Now that is a huge undertaking I know. And obviously you have the fear of not enough people turning up, but I'd do at least some small version of that for your DH.

Its a really unfortunate part of british culture that we can't bear to get upset publicly about people we've lost, so you sort of need to find ways of giving people permission to talk about them in a non-sad way.

I know of someone who sponsors an annual memorial cricket match in the village in memory of her son, and his friends play in her/her son's team against the village. It's a lovely way to bring people together to talk about him, and she gets to catch up with his old friends and see what they're up to.

If your DH played a sport or had any other activity he liked doing, could you do something like that? It doubling up as a fundraiser would get people on board, too.

I have never lost someone that close to me to give u any advice. But I couldn’t read and run. I just wanted to say I am so sorry you lost your husband. And yes please do tell us about him on here.

Is there a local support group you could join?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Children are incredibly resilient and do live much more in the moment. I really hope you find some peace of mind soon.

It sounds like you had a lovely marriage. How did you meet?

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry that it is panning out in this way for you.

I guess you are correct that people are too afraid to mention him for fear of upsetting you so they just avoid it. Of course, that isn't really the right thing to do as it makes you feel that he is forgotten. I am sure he isn't, but it might feel that way and you need the support.

We lost my Dad just over two years ago. My mother has been going to a local support group and has found it helpful. She didn't think she would actually like it but surprised herself and she does. It is a little bit of a social life for her and it is good.

Do tell us about DH here if you wish to, and as soon as you feel able. He sounds like a lovely person.

I am really sorry for your loss. Please tell us about your husband. I can relate to people not wanting to mention a person who has died when actually, it’s the one thing that would help as you want to talk about them all the time - well, I do.

I lost my Dad earlier this year, and am struggling horribly with the memory of his last 5 months which were a combination of a devastating cancer diagnosis, lack of care resources and medical neglect. It was the worst thing I've ever had to go through. And now we're out the other side, there's just this silence. As if Dad never existed, and the world has carried on.

The honest reality is that life does go on for most people who knew your DH be it family or friends - they'll express shock, upset, attend the funeral and share memories. Then they move on. You don't get that luxury, you've got to live with this every day for the rest of your life.

I've just learned not to expect better from people,tbh, because you're just left disappointed.

Your post brought me to tears. Agree with pp- do talk about him here if you can do so in a non- outing way. My heart goes out to you. You're amazing for carrying on, looking after your dc with little support, and keeping your dh's memory alive- he was lucky to have you, as are your dc.

I’m so sorry, this is so hard for you. I’ve not lost a partner but my mum after a protracted illness when she was similar age to your dh. I can relate to the feelings of guilt and unfairness, and to the trauma.

I remind myself that my mum would not want me to be weighed down by guilt and I’m sure your dh wouldn’t want this for you either.

Don’t know if you are British but we not very good at this in our culture. Other cultures are better at jointly and publicly remembering people - the day of the dead in Mexico for instance.

Your children will talk about him I’m sure for the rest of their lives. They will tell their own children about him. I was talking about my mum today and it is nearly 30 years ago.

I can give the perspective of the ‘child’ that doesn’t bring him up if that helps?

I was 17 when my dad died and he was my absolute world. It was unexpected without question the most traumatic life defining moment I’ve experienced. I couldn’t talk about him, it hurt too much. I needed a few years to put some distance between myself and the intensity of all that raw emotion. Little by little I became more able to bring up memories (though they were rare at first) and eventually I became quite happy to talk about him often. I can’t speak for your children, but something like this may play a role.

Oh OP. My heart goes out to you. My mum died - quite a long time ago now - but I know exactly what you mean. I am fortunate that her sister and my brother still keep her memory alive but the awful, awkward silence when I casually mention her in passing, as in just conversationally, to anyone else is horrible. It's like they're scared I might cry or do some other not very British thing. Either that or they do some kind of patronising head tilt type thing. I guess people are scared of saying the "wrong thing," whatever that is.

💐💐 to you and your kids and the memory of your lovely dh.

I can see all angles of this. We lost my wonderful mil 8 years ago, she was only 62 it was a very rapid and traumatic death.
Myself, my dc and dh have constantly talked about her, it really does help, the more we do it the more people become comfortable with it.
Initially we had people who would freeze and look awkward but, we kept talking and eventually it got easier.
I can say it has really helped us grieve.
With regards to your situation, can you explain to your dc that you want to keep talking about your dh to keep his memory alive, could you ask them questions about him and see how they respond. Like do you remember what dad's favourite sweet was etc and just see if it opens them up to talk.
To be fair it is still quite recent really for all of you. As for the adults I don't know what to say, that is on them. I know death makes people uncomfortable.
Could you explain to the closer people/relatives how you WANT to talk about him.
Anyway we are all glad to hear about your dh, I know how beneficial it can be.

I think sometimes we need safe, boundaried spaces to share it. Your DCs don’t want you to raise it unexpectedly when they are inhabiting a different moment- feeling happy, or thinking about homework. It interrupts the flow of life which it’s important that they can continue with.
The problem is it can feel like shoehorning him in to every conversation.

Something like ‘It’s your dad’s birthday next week, I’d really like to invite granny over and have his favourite dinner and raise a glass to him. Would you like that?’

Having a picture near the door that you say hello and goodbye to as you come and go can become an easy habit, too.

My DM has been finding hard, but wants us to meet and do something on his birthday, Father’s Day, their wedding anniversary, Christmas, the anniversary of his death and on his funeral! Plus obviously we want to support her on her birthday!

It’s not that he wasn’t a lovely dad, and of course we miss him, but don’t want our lives organised around missing him.

Death and loss are completely unfathomable. My mum died when I was a year old. I was left with a much much older brother a maternal gran my dad and a maternal aunt and her husband. Not one of them talked about her, not to each other and worse still not to me. I never asked for fear of upsetting anyone either. Like you OP it feels like she never existed. I've since managed to find a few crumbs about her life but it's heartbreaking that her memory seemed to mean nothing.
So very sorry for your loss.

I was going to suggest a thing that you do in his memory, a walk, an abseil down a building, a charity event to raise money for XXX. Or could you write about him, write his life story and self publish it, put loads of photos and mementos in it. It would be in the house for your kids to see when they’re ready.

Sorry, these might be rubbish suggestions - they’re just thoughts!

I'm so sorry. I'm there with you too. My DH died in 2020 - we got his terminal diagnosis right at the start of the first lockdown and then went through all the hell with just us (him, me and our-then 19-year old son). People were very supportive at the time but now if I mention DH to anyone who hasn't been through something similar there is a sort of polite pause and then they change the subject. It is like you get a year and are then expected to move on and not mention the person again. It is really odd and upsetting. It feels like they have run out of things to say and are bored of it. But when you are bereaved, after a while, it stops being about the trauma of the death and becomes more about the person as they were in life. You want to keep their memory alive because it is alive for you. People genuinely seem to think that if you don't talk about, it isn't there.

I don't know if you've had any bereavement therapy. I had some for a while but it was really useless (the main advice she had was to watch Taskmaster to take my mind off things - she offered this gem in two different sessions!). I'm wondering whether to try again as I do feel really emotionally 'stuck'. Might be worth a try?

My son also initially didn't want to talk much about his dad - to whom he was very close. But now he's starting to open up a bit more - its taken him about three years.

@grieving51 My best friend lost her husband at 60 . She has no children. She went through a time she would talk about him & then she chose not to. But we do go out for a coffee etc and she will speak about her husband . Sometimes ( she said ) people are embarrassed by speaking . She didn't want "a lot of fuss " but from good friends she was happy to speak about DH . She has gone on holidays he told her in his last days he wanted her to do . And she has .

I don't know what the answer is - I suspect never a perfect one but all the very very best to you 💐

That's so wrong.
My daughters dad died when she was young. We were divorced and there had been DV prior to that. I talk about him with my adult DD all the time.
Can you tell them how you feel?

Thank you for all the messages. It's very hard to know what the right thing to do is, for my DC and I guess everyone's experience of bereavement and grief are different. I know that the world was better off with my DH in it. He was funny and clever, he always saw the best in people, annoyingly so. He had lots of people that really liked him, he always brightened up a party, always made people feel at ease. But he had very few close friends, ones who he really trusted and was close to. Unfortunately, even a couple of his closest friends abandoned him towards the end - and that's something I find hard to think about now as I'm not in touch with them anymore, so I can't share stories with them. They really did lose out by their actions towards him - but he was also really hurt by them and so it's hard to forgive them for that.

He was a very special dad. He always got up in the night when they needed something - he was always by their side when they were little, helping them, encouraging them to do everything, like learning to ride a bike, trying new foods, buying them cool clothes, and practical stuff, making them laugh a lot, taking them to the park when I chickened out because it was too cold. They totally adored him. I can still remember their faces when I told them he had died. I will never forget that awful moment. They were so confused, but also so brave. He was always really proud of them - of every little thing they did. He was their biggest champion and they have lost so much now he's not here.

Thank you for those who replied about losing their parent when they were younger and what it meant. It's really helpful to see it from your point of view. I know they will survive. I just don't want the memories to fade. I do tell them how proud he was of them and I'll keep on doing that.