What to send a man when their baby miscarries

[custardlover]

I have a man in my team (I am his boss) and he told me today that he and his wife have just discovered that their unborn baby has no heartbeat. They are waiting for a natural miscarriage to happen but if it doesn't then she will have a procedure on Monday. They are both heartbroken. I don't know his wife but my heart is torn for them both. What would be an appropriate thing to send? A card or flowers? Or neither? How would you feel if your husband's boss sent a condolence gesture if you miscarried?

It’s kind of you but I wouldn’t send anything. They will most likely have family and close friends to comfort them.

My husband’s boss sent flowers, and I thought it was really kind and really thoughtful. Definitely appreciated.

I’m not sure how I would feel. I think the best thing to do is to be a good manager to him (which it sounds like you are). It sounds like you’ll be supportive if he needs time off; a supportive manager is the best gift of all. Plus then there’s no risk of the gift not going down well; I’d not bother with a gift to be on the safe side. You sound like a very lovely and caring boss though.

Having recently had a miscarriage, honestly I wouldn't send anything. This will sound ungrateful but we got several bunches of flowers and I just didn't like having them around. It sounds like you are a great boss so just be supportive, let him have the time off he needs, make sure his work is covered if possible.

a sympathetic and supportive email

I got a card and flowers, I really appreciated it. Lots of men at DHs work privately confided that they had been through similar

Thanks for the replies. I won't send anything - I wouldn't want them to feel awkward / reminded / unhappy at the sight of it. And I'll definitely focus on supporting him and ensuring he has the security to take time off etc.

I would say not to send anything but be understanding and let him have time off if needed.

'Tis kind of you but if you don't know them well enough to know whether to do something, you probably shouldn't. You wouldn't want to guess wrongly. No matter what, they probably don't want a lot of reminders so flowers/card might just grate on them.

Give your sympathies privately, asking him to convey them to his wife if appropriate, and say to him that if he needs some extra time off to sort anything, you can accommodate him?

As his boss the best thing we can do is be compassionate and allow him to work from home or take time off paid / as sick leave as and when needed.

I had a lateiscarriahe at 16 weeks and my dh boss did this too. It made us feel people were thinking of us.

Send them a card letting them know you are thinking of them both, that you are there if they need anything and express how sorry you are to hear of such tragic news.

You don't need to send a gift. A nice card, not too cringey is enough to show support and thought and won't cause any additional distress.

Please think twice about sending flowers. As someone who has had multiple miscarriages I hated it when I was sent flowers as I associate them with celebration not grief.

I would send a genuine heartfelt email and give him time off work, and then be flexible going forward if he needs to take time off to either support his partner or to manage his own feelings.

Knowing you have a boss who is understanding and accommodating will be a great relief and stop unnecessary stress

I think a card could be lovely - simple & sincere. It allows him to show it to his wife, in a way he can't with a work email / conversation.

As others said, genuinely supporting him to have time off as needed but also some flexibility and ongoing support with work priorities over the coming weeks / months, will mean a lot.

My husband's colleagues sent us flowers and a card just saying 'thinking of you' when I miscarried. I thought it was lovely because my friends and colleagues sent things to me and it was nice that my husband was acknowledged by his side too!