Approaching first anniversary

[randomjo]

My mum died in her sleep last year with no warning signs, she was 69. She was always on the go, she picked my children up from school and had minded them since they were babies. The shock and pain was unbearable at first but I seemed to be doing so well recently, until last week. Her anniversary will be next week and I assume this is why I feel like I've taken ten steps back emotionally but I just wasn't expecting it. Someone was very unkind to me a few days ago and ever since, I feel anxious, depressed, angry and I'm just missing my mum so so much. She was always in my corner. I'm wondering if other people have gone through the same around the anniversary? Thank you for reading

So sorry OP for your loss. The grief of losing my mum really hit one year on. Seven years on now and I’m finding it a little easier to manage every year, I hope you will too.

Thank you for responding. I am glad you are finding it a little easier than before. I was very upset with my mum for 2 months before she died about a lie she supposedly told. So much so that I wasn't speaking to her. I feel so much guilt over the pain I caused her and I have so much regret.

Bless you @randomjo that must be so very hard. Im sure over a lifetime together, those short two months of dischord are just a drop in the ocean of your mother-daughter relationship. The two months would not be what she would want you to be fixating on, I’m sure she would want you to forgive yourself and to cherish the happy memories you both shared and honour those.

Could you light a candle, sit by a photo of her and speak out loud the answers of the following questions to her, it may be quite therapeutic (I found this exercise in a book called You Will Be Okay by Julie Stokes):

I hope that you…
Always know that…
I feel so proud when…
I laugh when…
I wish…
I remember when…
I regret…
It was your choice to…
Thank you for…
You would shine when…
When times get tough…
I love you because…
Now we’re not together, the thing I miss about you the most is…
You are special because…
I hope that I can be more…
I will try to be less…
Sometimes I feel we are similar becuase…
Something that really matters in my family life is…
a favourite memory I will always have is…
Then, now and always…

Thank you so much @desperatelyseekingwisdom for your kindness. You are right, my mum had been through alot of grief in her life and she wouldn't want me feeling this way. It was only when I experienced grief like this, I understood what she went through. I wish I'd had that empathy when she was alive. I'll try the exercise you suggested x