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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Small ways to feel close to a lost parent

60 replies

MrsTopaz · 17/10/2023 23:03

My dad passed in March, and I’m trying hard to find ways to integrate his memory into my day to day life… the man he was before he was Ill and couldn’t remember himself or us.
I wear the plastic card holder from his work lanyard to hold my ID on my lanyard, something that was once close to his chest on a daily basis is now close to mine.
ive changed my car reg to include his initials, so whenever I drive somewhere it’s like he’s coming with me.
I wondered if anyone had any other ideas of things that helped you to feel close. Doesn’t need to be big, just everyday things. Much love to anyone who finds themselves here.

OP posts:

Stopsnowing · 17/10/2023 23:06

I ask his advice. I imagine he comes in, sits at the dining room table and I ask his advice.

stickybear · 17/10/2023 23:31

I wear my mum's watch and this is silly but there was a particular clothes shop that she loved and I enjoy browsing their website or catalogue, deciding what she'd have liked and what I might have bought her for Christmas etc.

78Summer · 17/10/2023 23:43

I keep my favourite photo of my mum in the kitchen and give it a kiss and say I love and miss you. Just keeps her memory alive. Six years and miss her every day.

Soopermum1 · 17/10/2023 23:49

My Dad had an ornament that has been judged as hideous by everyone who sees it. I love it (we shared similar taste) and it has pride of place on my landing windowsill. There are also pictures there on the wall as I go up the stairs.

Honeyroar · 17/10/2023 23:51

I try to focus on things he used to say or do that I do too. Sometimes I say something and think “that was my dad!” And it makes me smile.

specialsauce · 17/10/2023 23:56

Me and my child cook his dads favourite recipes.
We keep alive the little sayings he would say, the funny words he'd use for things and the pet names he called our child.
If we see something he would like we buy it for him and put it by the picture my son has of him and his dad together in his bedroom.

I wish there was more we could do too.

Coffeedrinker7 · 17/10/2023 23:58

So sorry for your loss 💐
My mum passed away many years ago. She was a big reader and I started reading a lot of her old books- if I was lucky I’d find notes in the margin that she had made or sometimes a random shopping list 😊
If I’m feeling down I always get a kit Kat or maltesers as they were her favourite and I can imagine her saying”just have a cup of tea and some chocolate and it’ll be alright”

My lovely MIL passed away earlier this year. I am terrible with plants but I have kept one of her favourites from her house and am managing to keep it alive! I also sometimes wear a scarf of hers.

BeaLola · 18/10/2023 00:02

My DAd is still with us but my lovely Mum died in 2000.

I buy flowers and have them on my hearth or coffee table for her for Mother's Day, her birthday and Christmas.

I wear her jewellery from tine to time . Use perfume we both loved . I have her collection of mini jugs on a shelf in my kitchen.

I use hankies that were hers first lovingly washed and ironed

I talk to her and raise a glass to her at special or difficult times . Play music that reminds me of her . Talk about her to my Ds who never knew her but woukd knie her from all the pictures he has seen. Grow her favourite plants in my garden .

Discwriter · 18/10/2023 01:04

I scroll my mom's pinterest, being careful not to like or change the algorythm in any way. I think of her daily.

Dogfureverywhere · 18/10/2023 16:56

Sorry for your loss.
We all love to cook and I have a recipe folder with handwritten recipes from grans, nans, aunts, mum, dad etc. DB and I like to cook dads favourite meal for the family on his birthday, and favourite cake recipes etc on other heavenly birthdates.

DM has also recently died and it feels like we've lost not just mum but also dad all over again. I haven't been able to bring myself to wear any of her jewellery yet, but I have a favourite snuggly jumper of hers that I'll wear now its getting colder.

Original poster

MrsTopaz · 18/10/2023 17:47

These are so beautiful, thank you all for sharing 💐💐

OP posts:

Thighdentitycrisis · 18/10/2023 18:07

Not something I do consciously but I often think of dad when gardening. I’m transported back to being a small child and when finding my dad working out in the garden. When I ever that happened he always took time to show me something and share his interest. Or bring my attention to the beauty of nature. Of course he had lots of other interests but I was too young to understand them. Gardening makes me feel closer to him

User0000009 · 18/10/2023 18:10

I wear my mum’s gold bangle on every special occasion so she can be there too x

gotomomo · 18/10/2023 18:11

Dp wears his dads watch everyday, he also has his binoculars which go out with us each weekend when we go for a walk despite them being 3x heavier than modern ones.

I cook my nannas recipes all the time (well mostly winter, they are hearty!)

crochetmonkey74 · 18/10/2023 18:13

I talk to her all the time, wear her jewellery and have handwritten recipes framed. I talk about her a lot

Houseplanter · 18/10/2023 18:14

I wear her wedding ring on my right hand always.

I have a couple of her ornaments, a mirror I know she loved and was a wedding present of hers. They are among my most treasured possessions.

My dad is harder cos he didn't have such personal things, but I have some of gardening things and use them often.

BristolBlueGlasses · 18/10/2023 18:19

I'm so sorry for your loss. Like your dad, my mum became another person before she died and initially I longed to replace memories of the ill her with those of the vibrant person she was before her illness. I really can assure you that with the passing of time the later memories fade and the happier ones flood back in.

I feel closest to her when I notice the things she loved - the changing seasons, animals - or when I use the things that she treasured, such as her Christmas pudding basin or the gifts she gave me. I often have a little chatter with her in my head when I'm on a walk. I tell her about my life and reminisce about hers just as though we were talking over a cuppa.

CMOTDibbler · 18/10/2023 18:24

My dad loved a particular chocolate at Christmas, so I always buy them still. He was also very fond of red kites and I talk to them when I see them. I wear my mums engagement ring for special/ stressful occasions and am going to have the stones reset with the ones from her mums ring and using both lots of gold so I can wear it more

cptartapp · 18/10/2023 18:30

I use bits of my mum's things all over the house. I was hanging out washing using her old pegs today. She wouldn't have got it at all!

McIntire · 18/10/2023 18:30

I carry my Dads handkerchief with his initial embroidered on to all family events and wear my Mums jewellery.
We use their old wine glasses, salad bowls etc

McIntire · 18/10/2023 18:31

cptartapp · 18/10/2023 18:30

I use bits of my mum's things all over the house. I was hanging out washing using her old pegs today. She wouldn't have got it at all!

Yes, her peg bag!

BreakfastGold · 18/10/2023 18:36

We order my daughter's dad's favourite takeaway from time to time, and go to his favourite restaurant. I light a nice candle at home every month on the anniversary. We like to watch his favourite TV shows together.

Jklmo59 · 18/10/2023 18:46

Put a picture of your dad next to a mirror and look for similarities from your dads face in you. Maybe you have his nose or eyes or ears or smile or stupid grin! Whenever you are missing him, look in a mirror and find that part of him in your face and you'll realise that part of him will always live on in you. That really helped me when I lost a family member.
Also writing letters to him.

caringcarer · 18/10/2023 18:59

I always put up my Xmas tree on December 18th which was my parents wedding anniversary. I think of them as I put up the baubles.

Wishimaywishimight · 18/10/2023 19:03

I have a few of dad's jumpers. Also I had his wedding ring made smaller so I wear that every day.

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