How to have the awkward conversations around bereavement?

[Hickry]

A grandparent passed away during COVID lockdowns. My parent moved into the grandparents home, selling theirs and buying their siblings out of their share of the parents house, and sorting all the items of their parent.

There's been a few bits and bobs this has raised along with all the expected grieving and it's made me think more about the future.

1. My grandparents ashes are still in their old house with my parent. The plan was to scatter after the lockdowns and have a family gathering to do so and celebrate their life etc. It's not happened. I think the siblings can't agree and sort. My grandparent never said where they wanted to be scattered. One of my siblings finds it hard they have no named place to go and remember like a plaque or bench in a remembrance garden, or the place the ashes would have been scattered etc.

How do we raise this with parent? The ashes being scattered.

How do we avoid this when our parent passes? Do I just ask her one day out of the blue?! "Where do you want your ashes scattered when you pass?"

I know all families are complex but ours is a very avoidant type. It's tricky to navigate difficult conversations with our parent. 😔

2. Items inherited. It turns out a sibling is sad that they were never offered any of the grandparent's jewellery. They've rightly pointed out the house was split between siblings and a small amount given to each grandchild. But all of their precious possessions were kept by the child that is now living in the house. Nothing passed to any siblings or grandchildren. I'm not too bothered by this but others in the family clearly are (but not enough to raise it and have a fall out, just a small source of sadness I think for them).

How do we avoid this when the time comes and our parent passes? 😔 I'd like my parent to make a list of what jewellery goes to who for example to avoid arguements but it seems unlikely to happen tbh and I've no clue how I'd raise it with them.

I think with our elderly relative passing during the lockdowns there were less group/family conversations happening, the sorting wasn't done as a big group, the grieving was all separate etc. So less communication. But sadly it's also meant things haven't been discussed that needed to be.

I don't want there to be a similar situation for us siblings lying ahead I guess. My anxiety is dwelling on it a bit so if anyone has any advice I'd welcome it.

The less beating around the bush, the better. Shirt, sharp and to the point.

Short, not shirt!

maybe you or your sibling could pick an important date db offer to organise a family event to scatter the ashes and also research and be prepared to offer some ideas of places that might be meaningful if no other ideas have come to mind.

I think scattering the ashes is an important part of letting go, if you miss “the window” in the grieving period then you get stuck in a kind of limbo - why a particular day or location etc

With regards to your parents, draw up a questionnaire and give it to them ie whether they want to be buried or cremated, do they want a service, who would they like to conduct it, music, request re ashes afterwards, particular items. DH and I have done this so we each know and our children know what we would like. It saves the bereaved a lot of second guessing and hassle, and gives comfort that the deceased’s wishes are being honoured.

Houseplantmad I wish we'd done this with our grandparent before they passed. There was hesitation about what they'd want to be buried in, and regrets around those choices for some. If we'd known their wishes that would have really helped. 😔

I think I am going to do similar for my own wishes too.

A questionnaire sort of thing is maybe good as a framework to start with.